Helping Our Children Shine

by guest blogger Kathy Slattengren

parenting educator at Priceless Parenting

Did you ever gaze into your children’s eyes when they were babies wondering what they would be like

when they grew up? Did you notice some of your children’s strong personality traits even when they were very young?

One of our challenges is to see and appreciate our children’s unique combination of passions, capabilities, qualities and beliefs. This can be especially difficult when our expectations for our children do not match who they are.

Unmet Expectations

A teacher told the story of 10-year-old Ryan’s dad who spoke to him about what a huge disappointment his son was turning out to be. While Ryan was getting top scores in this teacher's science class, the dad did not see Ryan demonstrating the type of persistence he expected.

For example, he bought Ryan a wonderful Lego Mindstorms building set and Ryan played with it for 15 minutes before walking away. How would Ryan ever succeed in life if he couldn’t stick with something so interesting more than a few minutes? The dad explained that if he had been given that toy as a child, he would have spent many hours carefully creating all sorts of structures.

Ryan was clearly different in a number of ways from his dad. Although the teacher pointed out again how well his son was doing at school, the dad dismissed it saying he feared Ryan would never succeed in life given his lack of persistence.

Building Their Lives on Strengths

Our children will build their lives based on their strengths, not their weaknesses. It’s our job to help them recognize and develop their strengths.

This is easier said than done especially when a child struggles in school. A 6th grade girl’s mom was concerned about her daughter Emma’s future given that she struggled with both English and math. How would Emma keep up when she transitioned to junior high school? How could she ever get into college?

While this mom’s anxiety was understandable, Emma possesses other traits that will allow her to create a brilliant life for herself. Emma has a sparkling personality and wonderful interpersonal skills. She also had the confidence to sing a solo in the school talent show – and she has an amazing voice!

Emma’s path through life may not involve the one her mom envisioned for her. However, Emma can find success and fulfillment by building her life around her strengths.

Helping Our Children Shine

When we allow our children to grow into their authentic selves, we encourage them to shine in their unique way. Sometimes it’s hard and even scary to let them shine.

Since my daughter was a toddler, one of her strongest characteristics has been her perseverance and determination. In second grade she wrote about her goal of becoming a Level 8 gymnast. Despite breaking her left elbow four years ago and tearing the ligament in her right elbow last year, she persevered and exceeded her goal by becoming a Level 9 gymnast as a high school senior.

This is truly her accomplishment due to her own determination since both my husband and I gently encouraged her to consider quitting due to the injuries and the likelihood of further injuries. She stuck with her passion and has surpassed all expectations by qualifying to compete in Westerns, the highest competition for Level 9 gymnasts. When she stood on the podium to receive third place at the regional competition last Saturday, she was simply glowing!

Appreciating the Gift

It can be very difficult for us to truly see and appreciate our children for who they are. Our children are a gift. Getting wrapped up in feeling disappointed for what they are not causes us to miss the awesome child standing before us.

What unique gifts do your children bring to the world? By supporting our children in following their own dreams and passions, we help them develop their strengths and allow them to shine.

© 2011, Kathy Slattengren. All Rights Reserved

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Change Is Natural. Change Is Hard.

by guest blogger Patricia Nan Anderson

consultant and trainer at Patricia Nan Anderson.com

Everything changes.

It’s funny that we can be surprised by change since it’s the one thing we can always be sure of. But we are never ready.

Part of the problem is that we can stand some small changes as long as the important things stay the same. But we have no more control over the important things than we have over the piddly ones. And these days, change in the important things is something many families experience over and over again. Deployment. Illness. Job loss. Divorce. Maybe we lose the house. Change. One change after another.

Sometimes we have to withstand what seems unbearable. We don’t have any choice. And when we’re in that difficult place, our kids are there with us. We not only have to deal with change ourselves but we have to help our children manage it too. How do you do that? Here are some tips:

·         Tell no lies. Tell truths that will not have to be revised as your kids grow older or hear things from others.

·         Be matter-of-fact. Share your feelings honestly but there’s no need to increase the emotional drama.

·         Don’t point fingers. Identifying the person who is “at fault” doesn’t help anything and causes lasting harm.

·         Move forward. Today is different from yesterday, but that doesn’t mean you can give up on tomorrow.

Look ahead. Your life and your children’s lives take place in the future. Embrace all the experiences ahead. By demonstrating strength in difficult times, you give your kids the gift of resilience and optimism.

Even the most fortunate parents might wish to do that.

(c) 2011, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Back To School Safety Tips

by guest blogger, Kim Estes

helping kids stay safe at Savvy Parents Safe Kids

 

There is a lot of preparation that goes into back to school season and now is the perfect time to brush up on safety too.
Preschool years: Start talking about the “Uh-oh” feeling. Let kids know that the “icky” feeling they may feel in their tummy is their body’s way of letting them know that something is not right. Encourage them to seek out a safe grown up when they get the uh-oh feeling. Let them know they are the boss of their body!

Elementary school years:

Talk about the roles and responsibilities of the adults around them. Talk about healthy boundaries. Review who their safe grown ups are. Review with your child who is authorized to pick them up from school. Ask them if anyone gives them the “Uh-Oh” feeling. Remind them to “check first” before accepting gifts or rides from anyone (even if they know the person!).

For parents:

Plan ahead on how you want to handle play dates at new friends’ houses. Talk about how you want to handle sleepovers this year. Talk about the readiness of your child if they express and interest in walking home with a friend or if they want to try staying home alone for short periods of time. Thinking ahead and preparing to answer these questions will make you less a target of being put on the spot when your kid asks you.

For all ages:

Remember to make talking about personal safety a fun thing. Never use scare tactics. The more you talk about safety the more your kids learn about listening to their instincts and how to make safe choices.

© 2011, Kim Estes. All Rights Reserved

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Real World Movie Ratings!

by guest blogger Amy Lang

sex ed expert at Birds & Bees & Kids

I just saw Bad Teacher (this URL is to a detailed description of the movie) a very highbrow flick involving so much use of the f-bomb in context I was wowed.  I may have been a little over sensitive to it because there was a 9 or 10 year old boy and two 13 year old (I’m hoping) girls watching along with me.

Don’t worry, they were there with their parents, so it’s okay. You all know I love it when parents are REALLY open with their kids about sex. Love. It. Especially since I think it’s really awesome for a 10 year old to hear things like “I caught my finance trying to have sex with the dog. There was peanut butter everywhere.”  I'm joking, of course!

It was sex ed day for that family and little old judgmental me got to have her movie going experience kinda ruined because I was stressing out about these kids watching this really raunchy stuff.

So, for your information (and mine) here is a link to a lovely site that lets you make an informed decision about movies you take your kids to or let them see.

Movies are really big, loud and real and can scar, scare and confuse children if they aren’t capable of processing the content.

Kids In Mind has a great rating system based on profanity, gore/violence and sex and nudity. They spell it out so you can make an informed decision. Go read up on the films out right now. You might change your mind about letting your kids see them.

PS - The movie was pretty funny – just check your expectations at the door and leave your kids at home, please!

(c) 2011, Amy Lang. All rights reserved.



Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Back To School Shopping Tips

by guest blogger Madelyn Jansma, M.Ed.

parenting educator at Healthy Happy Families

I hear a collective groan from parents every August! Are you looking to raise savvy shoppers who are responsible and budget-conscious in this age of entitlement? It can be done while building a positive relationship with your tweens and teens if you use a Love and Logic® approach. 

Set a standard for clothes care before you hand out any cash. Have your child earn the freedom to make her own clothing choices while subtlety setting limits on what’s been driving you nuts: “Spring shopping money will be available once I see that you have a track record of proper clothes care:  wash dirty clothes at least once a week, and put them enough away so that the dog won’t lay on them.”  Many kids can do their own laundry beginning in third grade.

Shop with a plan already in place. Have your child assess what he already has. Have her make a list of what she wants/needs. Discuss what’s reasonable, and be willing to give in on a few points:  “If fuzzy slipper shoes are important to you, I’ll be happy to let you have a pair as long as you’re not wearing them to walk great distances.  Let’s just make sure you pick out tennis shoes with good arch support for those times.” What does your child like to wear? Should it be a week’s worth of clothes, or two? Should there be a nice outfit for a special occasion?  Write out the plan in a notebook (next paragraph). In a sense, you’re teaching how to build a wardrobe, even if it is almost exclusively athletic shorts and high tops. In the long run, kids seem to buy fewer clothes and enjoy them more.

Teach budgeting and accounting. Set a budget together. Have kids keep a record and sneak in some math skills. Show how to file receipts—perhaps recycle an old notebook with some pocket dividers. Whatever it is, if your kid creates the system, your kid with be more likely to enjoy the system.   My daughter “wowed” a clerk by bringing in a receipt and asking for a price adjustment (she was 11 at the time).

Start with a short time frame and limited options, instead of just giving a kid all the money for the year—maybe fall shopping for school clothes, and April shopping for summery clothes. “Let’s start with you picking out the four play outfits you’d like to wear this summer.  I’ll oversee the church clothes and swimsuits and shoes this time around, and I’d be happy to have your input.” Consider turning over their sport equipment budget a few years from now, once they’re going strong. And occasionally, judiciously, bail them out with love—you can be a hero once or twice, an enabler soon after.

Keep some cash in reserve.  Having a “just in case you grow or want something that’s a trend once school starts” fund teaches delayed gratification and may avoid a future argument. Your son may need to come up with a white collared shirt for orchestra.  If he hasn’t needed the reserve several months later, you could hand it out as a bonus for being a thrifty shopper!

Have them go first-class, name-brand on their own dime: “I agree you need some running shoes, and I’ll be happy to pay for the first $50. I give you weekly allowance money so you can make important choices like this. Isn’t it nice when you have options?”

Develop the idea that big ticket items or frivolous items might be good birthday or holiday ideas.  This is a great way to avoid a mid-mall meltdown!  Savvy Love and Logic® moms even keep a notebook in their purse so the child can jot down a note: “Hey, that’s a great idea, and unaffordable right now…but you know that Grandma always asks for suggestions. Will you make a note for me so I know exactly what you’re interested in? Thanks, sweetie!”

Consider having Dad approve the outfit and the expense list—keep it open and honest and modest. “Hmm, sweetie, I’m not really comfortable with the length of that skirt, and I know that it’s too short for school policy.  Why don’t you use your babysitting money for that one, so you can still enjoy wearing after school?  I just don’t feel like I’m getting my money’s worth when there’s so little fabric involved.”

Gently allow kids to learn from the consequences of their choices: Love and Logic® parents lead with empathy while holding firm on boundaries. “Yeah, it’s a bummer when I run out of clothes during the week, too.  Some kids do laundry twice a week or wear pants twice before washing, and some kids spend less on each pair of jeans but buy more of them.  Some kids even do yard work to earn extra money. You’re a smart kid; I’m sure you’ll come up with a plan.  The good news is you only need to deal with it for a few more months until your spring budget becomes available.” A neighbor girl and friends all exchanged dresses with each other during the bat & bar mitzvah season, instead of purchasing new ones every time.

Set the right tone.  Consultant parents ask, “What do you think?” and, “How would you like to handle it so you feel ready to do this on your own some day?”  Be a cheerful shopping partner, and don’t offer advice unless prompted: “Wow, it was fun seeing what you like in the store. You’ve got a style all your own!”  Set an example of restraint/budgeting/sale shopping: “That’s an awful lot for a jacket, and I have another one at home.  I’ll put it on my think-about-it list, and if I decide it’s something I need and can afford, I’ll come back during the sale.”   Reflect seriously on how you want shopping perceived—I’m wary of raising recreational shoppers, so I tend to say things like, “Sure, we can browse for a few minutes,” because I’ve taught that browsing means not buying, and “Wow, shopping is work!  Good thing it’s not how I recreate.  I’d rather re-create and re-charge myself on a hike or a bike ride!”  You may feel differently; just examine your motives. 

Is there any question that we need to teach our kids how to handle money?  Just look at the current American economy! It takes time to shop with tweens and teens, so let’s train them to be thoughtful and careful shoppers. I’m off to the outlet mall on Saturday with my 14-year-old son and his friend.  My son signed up to be notified of the twice yearly 30%-off sale at his favorite athletic store, and last year it was how he came in at budget with a week’s worth of clothes that were thoroughly used and enjoyed. His friend came with us as my son spent the last of his spring budget and asked, “Mrs. Jansma, could you tell my mom about clothing budgets?” If only solving our nation’s debt crisis was so easy.

(c) 2011, Madelyn Jansma. All rights reserved.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.