Thoughts On Washington Parenting

Thoughts


Blog posts written by our friends and members on issues of interest to parents everywhere. Find out more about us at http://www.washingtonparenting.org/

5/30/2012

Sleepover Savvy: 6 Things To Know Before You Say “Yes”

by guest blogger Patricia Nan Anderson, Ed.D.

parent development specialist at PatriciaNanAnderson.com



Summer is sleepover season. With no school days to work around, more evenings are free for sleepovers. And your children even may be invited away for an entire weekend. It all sounds fun and usually it is. Assuming that your child is old enough to enjoy a sleepover and not need to come home at midnight, what else should you think about before you say “yes”?


Here are some thoughts…


Know the family. It seems obvious that you should know the names of the people your child will stay with and their address, but many times children don’t know this basic information about their school friends. So know first and last names, who lives in the home and where the home is before you consider a “yes.”

Know something about the family. Does this family share your values? Think here about media use, substance use, use of profanity, and use of harsh discipline. If you don’t know the family well enough to have a good idea of its values, then you really don’t know enough to let your child stay over.

Know about obvious dangers. If the family owns guns, are all of them locked up? If the family owns a dog, is it completely safe? If there is a possibility the family will go swimming, go four-wheeling, or shoot off fireworks who will be in charge and how will the kids be kept safe? The way to know is to ask. Don’t be embarrassed. Ask.

Know who’s in charge. Are the parents planning to go out themselves on the sleepover night and leave the children with a babysitter or older teen? Who will be there and how can you reach that person?

Know how many other kids will be there. Is this a single-kid sleepover or a slumber party? If there will be a crowd of kids there, the ability of any parent to control the group is diminished and some parents give up altogether. The possibility for mayhem increases, including raids by a group of the opposite sex, drinking, dangerous stunts, and nasty gossip. Give extra thought to consenting to a slumber party, especially if your child is a teen or preteen.

Know that your child knows how to reach you. Make sure your child knows you will always come to pick her up – anywhere, anytime – if she feels she needs to make an exit. Make sure your child know that if she feels uncomfortable about anything or anyone, she should trust her gut and speak up – or just get out.


One way to find out more about a family your child wants to visit overnight is to host a sleepover for that family’s child at your home first. You’ll get an idea of what the child thinks are “normal” family activities and you’ll get an idea of how attentive the child’s parents are. Just remember that no actual sleeping happens at most sleepovers.


Most families are pretty much like yours and most sleepovers go off without a hitch. The sleepovers that go wrong are unusual enough to make the evening news. But it still pays to be careful. It’s okay to say “no” if you cannot responsibly say “yes.”


(c) 2012, Patricia Nan Anderson.
Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.


5/23/2012

Parental Presence in A Digital Age: Part 2

by guest blogger Gloria DeGaetano

The door to the apartment was left ajar, so Miriam peeked in. She knew she was expected, but after knocking several times, she wondered why no one answered. Miriam could see that the blinds were down, making the small room oddly dark for the middle of a rare Northwest sunny afternoon. She called out, “Cindy, Cindy, it’s me.” No answer. As Miriam’s eyes adjusted to the dim light, she could see Cindy staring at a large television. Cindy’s two year-old daughter was enraptured by a cartoon blaring from another TV in the corner of the room. Cindy’s son, ten months old, strapped into a car seat, watched a third small television. All three TVs were on different channels, yet all three people were enraptured by the same focus: a two-dimensional flat surface.

A public health nurse in one of my workshops shared this true story. At the time Cindy was a sixteen year-old single mother. Understanding the tragedy of this situation for both mother and babies, the workshop participants and I discussed the dire consequences of allowing screen machines to interfere with loving bonding experiences between parent and child.

This occurred 15 years ago. Since then, of course, times have changed dramatically to encase both parent and child in the peculiar world of mobile devices. Not exactly a world, yet a portal to many worlds of countless possibilities—worlds that continually tempt us away from the world of the here and now, the world of the living, so to speak. Yet, if we succumb too often and too unconsciously, we risk the danger of re-making ourselves into absent parents by default. Here, but not really. If parents are unapproachable, will children grow to seek validation from their machines, cementing an emotional bond with Siri and foregoing the messier relationships with parents altogether?

The startling ease by which screen machines keep children quiet, yet distant, may mean parents today have to be more intentional than ever to provide a loving presence to children that children can feel because the competition for our affection is so keen. If babies at nine months are introduced to TV (the average age in the US for beginning TV exposure) and if toddlers are using I-Pads as toys for more than a few minutes daily, then parents may have to prepare for 16 more years of hassles trying to get them to become “unglued.” Early exposure means that children will develop an emotional bond that will be very difficult to break. You can count on it.

Young mammals are programmed to attach to what is most present and available in their lives. John Bowlby, British psychoanalyst and psychiatrist, in his classic studies found that baby monkeys, for instance, actually form emotional bonds to objects. Infant monkeys who were given a “substitute mother” in the form of a cloth monkey clung to it and tried to receive nurturance from it. Separated from their real mothers, they actively “attached” to the only “mother” they knew, even if an inanimate object. We think of babies holding tight to teddy bears or blankies when their parents are out or when they are alone hearing fighting from the other room. I also recall the stories of kids sleeping with their DNS or other mobile device—not to sneak in some late night games—but rather to “cuddle” with their devices. Once hooked, young children can’t comfortably let go.

Scientific research confirms that babies and young children intentionally seek love, comfort, and nurturance from objects. Studies of children who have been separated from their mothers for extended periods of time show a sequence of behaviors that end in detachment from humans and attachment to things. With their mothers unavailable for nurturance, they experienced surprise, then protest, and finally despair. Not understanding that their mothers would come back, these children despaired profoundly. They attached emotionally to a toy or a doll, focusing attention on the object as a source of emotional comfort. As adults many of these children exhibited severe maladjustment, such as high levels of anxiety and aggressiveness. With their social capacities permanently damaged, as parents they treat their young without affection, like inanimate objects.

A loving parent-child bond is absolutely imperative to steer brain development on its right course. Love actually changes the shape and function of the human brain. Without such a bond, the child is set up early on for a wide array of future cognitive, emotional, and social problems. In fact, without on-going parental presence, most mammals grow up altered in some way. Pioneering primatologist Harry Harlow revealed how baby monkeys brought up without mothers and playmates sat in their cages alone whimpering and picking at their skin until they bled, rather than choosing to be with others of their kind, too emotionally damaged to socialize.

This is also true of human infants. The nature of the baby’s attachment to his or her parent or primary caregiver will be a primary determinant in the child’s ability to relate to others. Writing about how the infant internalizes his/her “working model” of how to be with other people from the initial relationship with the primary parent, psychiatrist Daniel Siegel emphasizes: “If this model (the first relationship to the parent) represents security, the baby will be able to explore the world and to separate and mature in a healthy way. If the attachment relationship is problematic, the internal working model of attachment will not give the infant a sense of a secure base and the development of normal behaviors (such as play, exploration, and social interactions) will be impaired.”

In an age of screens, perhaps one of the basic problems is that it becomes easier for people to look away from each other rather than toward each other. But parents and children need to look at each other—often. Rensselaer Polytechnic’s Linda Caporael points out what she refers to as “micro-coordination,” in which a baby imitates its mother’s facial expression, and the mother, in turn, imitates the baby’s. This also happens when fathers are interacting with infants. Televisions, computer screens, and digital gadgets obviously can’t accomplish such a profound, coordinated dance of intimate communication. In a sense, children don’t know their feelings until the parent expresses feelings for them. Demonstrating a facial expression allows the child to understand, and eventually name various emotions.

Facial expressions act as a pathway into understanding the other person’s inner state. When we think about it, this is an amazing capacity of the mammalian brain. We can’t read a goldfish’s mood or a turtle’s state of mind by looking at. But we can read our pet dog’s countenance when we take him for a walk. Mammals use their faces to express emotions. Turning toward each other, parents and young children form a very special interpersonal relationship merely by looking at each other. Since this exchange allows the parent to tune into the mental and emotional states of the child, the relationship bond deepens between them. When we look into the eyes of a beloved person, there is an intimate knowing. When we find vacuity behind human eyes, it can give us chills or cause us to wonder, “What’s wrong with that person?”

As parents maintain eye contact with babies and young children it allows these new brains to develop appropriate ways to filter emotional experiences. Watching strangers’ faces on flat screens, however, doesn’t have the same type of effect for the child. Love must be present and felt for brain structures to respond appropriately.

(c) 2012 by Gloria DeGaetano

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

5/15/2012

Parental Presence in A Digital Age

by guest blogger Gloria DeGaetano

The parent-child connection supports cognitive development through mutual engagement in the sensory world. As parent and child play together, the sensory world pours into the child's nervous system. Movement and tactile experiences actually trigger neural networking. That is, actual brain structures, particularly the synapses that allow for communication among brain cells, are determined by a child's physical exploration of the world. These structures cannot grow any other way. There's a big difference between drawing with a mechanical device to "form" lines on a computer screen and drawing by immersing little hands in watercolor paint, forming lines on textured paper. The smell and feel of the paint, the experience of making the lines by allocating the paint, the touch of the paper—all combine to activate brain circuitry in ways that cannot be done in front of flat sterile, screen surfaces. Direct experience with the concrete world is imperative to grow the young human brain. The more parents lovingly interact with young children and model active participation in the natural world, the greater the chances that the youngster will develop more of his or her capacity. Just doing simple activities like taking a walk together sets up limbic resonance, shared communication, direct experiences, and important bodily movement. We shouldn't underestimate what a "little thing" like taking a walk with a child can do for his or her "brain gain." A summary of over eighty studies link movement with memory, spatial perception, language, attention, emotion, nonverbal awareness, and decision-making.

Ideas for Making Your Parental Presence Felt with Babies

As you walk around doing light chores, use a snuggly so your baby can be close to your body and feel your heartbeat.

Sing quiet songs or hum restful melodies as you rock your baby slowly in rhythm.

Make as much eye contact as you can with your baby throughout the day by playing facial games of imitating various expressions, talking to your baby, singing, cooing and basically having as much fun interacting with your baby as you can. Delight in her every new achievement; affirm every time he tries something new.

Take care of yourself. You can only interact with and enjoy your baby to the degree that you have the energy to do so. Asking for help and accepting support for household tasks and other duties that require your attention means that you have more attention for your child. You will not regret the time and love you lavish on your baby. A secure infant is on a trajectory for a fulfilling life.

Resist the urge to put baby in front of a screen machine. Your resources are well spent for loving caretaker who will interact with your baby in the types of activities mentioned above. Remember, "Love alters the structures of our brains." Enlisting friends and relatives to lovingly interact with your baby means your baby takes the best path possible for optimal brain development.

Ideas for Making Your Parental Presence Felt with Young Children

Take twenty minutes in the morning and twenty minutes in the evening to play with your child. Make a room out of a blanket over the kitchen table or build a tower with blocks with your child, you will learn much about how your child perceives his/her world. You also strengthen your child's feelings of security, trust, and belonging.

When in the car running errands, point out what you see and discuss various colors and shapes. Talk about what you will be doing, such as: "First we're going to the Post Office. Then we'll go grocery shopping." Give your child something age-appropriate to do, such as dropping a letter into a slot at the Post Office or choosing apples to put in the cart at the grocery store. Affirm all efforts. Keep your child involved in the process of living with you.

Slow down the pace of your day by talking with your child. A conversation interlude with a little one can be very poetic and awe-inspiring. Often youngsters say and see things from an interesting and unique perspective. Their self-expression blossoms with parental attention and authentic curiosity. Some questions you may want to ask: How would you describe_________? What else could __________ be? If you could change ______________ what would you do?

Make sure you have enough adult conversations to stay sane, Especially if you are a stay-at-home-parent or a single parent, make it a priority to have a weekly conversation or get-together with a trusted friend. You will be much more present and available to your child when you have predictable breaks for adult conversations away from your child.

Create Space for Parental Presence

A part of our job as a parent in a media/digital age is to be a "space creator." We can limit distractions so that there is space for parent-child connecting and sharing. Some easy ways to add space for your parental presence to bloom:

Keep the TV off when no one is watching.

Sit down and take ten minutes to be there when you know your child will be in the room. Don't read or do anything. Say you are having some down time, but you can be interrupted.

Invite your son or daughter to a book talk or lecture at the local library or museum on a topic of mutual interest. Afterwards share your thoughts together over a meal or snack.

Make it a family ritual that you and your spouse spend one-on-one time with each of the children on a regular basis. Some families find that taking each child out to dinner offers opportunities to ignite conversations that might not take place around the family dinner table.

Carve a slice out of the weekend, such as a Friday evening, a Saturday afternoon, or a Sunday morning that would specifically be set aside for a special activity with your son or daughter—such as a long walk together (without any devices!), working together on a house project like cleaning out the garage, or discussing and helping with homework. Keep this time sacred and don't allow your child to do anything else during it.

When we pattern our lives to weave into the daily grind moments of delightful sharing with our youngsters, we positively shape our youngsters' self-identity. Also, we imprint positive messages inside our kids' heads. The parental voice is by its nature, very powerful. As adults, children who have had the advantage of the presence and availability of a loving parent are much more likely to be gentler with themselves and talk to themselves in kind ways when presented with life's many challenges. And, they are more likely to be present and available to their children—a powerful way to grow a loving society for us all.

(c) 2012 by Gloria DeGaetano

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

5/08/2012

A Conference for Moms: Parent Education Made Entertainment

by guest blogger Amy Lang, MA

founder of Birds + Bees + Kids and MamaCon

Moms take care of everyone but themselves and it’s a known fact that we put ourselves last on the list the majority of the time. Somehow, everyone and everything becomes more important than we are. And then everyone else in our lives starts acting the same way - mom’s needs are last.

MamaCon - Inspiration and Tools for Modern Moms

MamaCon is a new conference being held May 18 and 19 at the Bellevue Hilton and is designed to support the hard work of being a mom in today’s world.

When I had the idea to host a conference for moms, the very first thing I thought of was how are we going to sneak in the parent education? Most moms think they should know how to do this parenting thing without any guidance, support or help, so I knew the parenting support would need to feel more like entertainment than education.

My co-founder Kim and I decided to have all of our speakers talk for only 15 minutes - short, sweet and to the point. This style of conference is perfect for the hyperactive mind of nearly every mother out there. Lively and entertaining, moms will be energized after each session.

We decided to strongly encourage moms to take care of themselves by offering free mani-pedis, chair massage and other mini-spa treatments. Every mom will be encouraged to spend one hour-long session in the Marketplace shopping, visiting our RejYOUvination Boutiques, and spending time one-on-one with one of our many Life and Parenting Experts.

The entire day is organized so moms can learn, relax, have fun, and remember what it means to put themselves first. Our goals are to support our attendees and raise the profile of parent education to help make it as normal to take parenting classes as it is to take childbirth prep courses.

We’re thrilled Rosalind Wiseman, NY Times best selling author of Queen Bees and Wannabes will be our keynote speaker. Her talk is entitled, Queen Bees & Wannabes: Navigating the New Realities of Girl World and Boy World


Life Strategies:

Solving the Dinner Dilemma: Stress-Free Cooking For Busy Moms - Make Ahead Mamas (Claudia Pettis, Deb Kapsner, and Maia Kelly)

Envy the Energizer Bunny? Sleep for the Exhausted Mama - Catherine Darley, ND

Vodka: It’s Not Just for Drinking Jim Allen

Getting Your Groove Back: Sex for the Exhausted Mama - Amy Johnson

From Clutter to Calm - Sara Eizen

Motherhood, Money and Mayhem - Debbie Whitlock

The Momarchy: Take Your Life Back From Your Kids - Angela Toussaint


Parenting Strategies:

Raising Resilient Kids- Avoiding Praise Junkies! - Sarina Behar Natkin

Turn It Off! Tips and Tools for Parenting in the Age of Technology - Ann Hungar Steel

Chores Without Challenge - Patricia Nan Anderson

Turning Anger to Empathy: Responding to Misbehavior with Empathy - Kathy Slattengren

Creating Grateful Kids - Shirin Shirkat

That Would Never Happen to MY Daughter! - Kelly Marquet

Picky Eating: It’s Not Your Fault! - Matthew Amster-Burton

With over 50 parenting and life speakers and experts, free mini-spa treatments, wine tasting, a comedy show and Seattle Mom Prom local moms will get just what they need to be healthier, savvier mamas.

If mama ain’t happy, nobody’s happy and MamaCon is all about creating happy moms!


Bellevue Hilton

300 112th Avenue SE

Bellevue, Washington 98004


Marketplace Preview and Kick-Off Cocktail Party!

Friday, May 18, 2012 - 3PM to 9PM

OPEN TO THE PUBLIC!


MamaCon - Inspiration and Tools for Modern Moms

Saturday, May 19, 2012 - 8AM (registration) to 12PM

Tickets! Use Code MCNSPEC for $20 off.


www.MamaCon.net

info@MamaCon.net

425-522-2417

(c) 2012 by Amy Lang, MA

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

5/01/2012

Strategies for Talking to Kids Getting Bullied

by guest blogger Shirin Sherkat, Psy.D.
parent educator at Create Happy Kids


Getting your kid to talk to you about a problem can be challenging, especially if they are being bullied.

You feel frustrated that your kid won’t share what’s going on and you can’t help him/her with the problem. You may even fear for his/her safety.

What is an effective way to encourage your kid to talk about problems?

A child’s perspective

First, a little insight into your child's perspective.

Children often feel responsible for what happens to them and around them. They may feel at fault, when in reality they are not to blame.

  • They may not even know how to define the problem. For example: bullying. Sometimes, the bully’s behavior is not overt and obvious, which further complicates things.
  • They may think that they would get in trouble for ‘telling’ on a peer. After all, they’ve learned not to tattle!
  • They may feel helpless. They think there is no solution.

Successful communication

Here are FIVE keys to your success in inviting your child’s input and getting the information you need in order to help your child:

  1. First and foremost: Keep your emotions in check.
    1. If you show your anger or frustration, your kid will take it personally and clam up!
  2. Create a safe-zone: This is powerful and important for your child to know and accept.
    1. For example, you could start by saying: “Sometimes at school, kids can make each other feel so bad. If that happens, I want you to know that you can always talk to me about it. This is a safe zone and I promise to listen.”
    2. Note: this statement is not emotionally charged, neutral in nature, and devoid of judgment.
  3. Allow TIME for your child to respond. Wait. Let your child share what he/she wants to share.
    1. You may encourage and nudge but do NOT push.
  4. Now that you have opened the door to dialogue, Define the problem: whether it’s bullying or other inappropriate behavior, the problem may not always be clear to your kid.
    1. First, allow him/her to talk about their experience and then help your child understand the problem.
    2. For example, you could explain why the behavior (that your child may have witnessed) wasn’t appropriate.
  5. Reward your kids for listening to their inner voice and the ‘feeling’ that something was wrong and they needed to talk to an adult about it. Encourage that behavior.

The THREE most important factors in addressing a bullying issue successfully:

  • Establishing the fact that bullying will not be tolerated and is not accepted as part of life.
  • Establishing an open and safe time/space for dialogue with your kids, consistently.
  • Working together with your child’s school (teachers, administration, staff) to support your child by: Establishing effective RULES regarding anti-bullying & providing effective protection for victims of bullies.

When it comes to addressing bullying: Parents and teachers can help children by working together to increase awareness, create a safe zone for kids to ask for support, and establish clear and effective rules about expectations and behaviors at school.

(c) 2012 by Dr. Shirin Sherkat

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.