Taking Care of Ourselves

by guest blogger Jody McVittie

Executive Director at Sound Discipline

First I need to confess: I’m not very good at this myself. Like many of you I tend to “take care” of others before I begin to think about what I need or what requests I might make. So today I get to listen, once again as I talk about self-care – and see if this time I can say, “I can make a commitment to do what I need to do to make time for and take care of myself.” Will you join me?

What’s the deal? We’ve been here before – especially those of us who are of the female variety. We make promises – and keep the promises we make to others but we aren’t so great about the promises we make to ourselves. Here are some of my thoughts – and I welcome your comments or stories about this.

The power of culture: We are taught at a very young age (especially as girls) that we need to pay attention to and are responsible for how other people feel. It is our job to “take care” of others. No one sat us down and lectured to us or even consciously intended to teach this – but the messages surrounded us. We observed the adults in our lives. We responded to the subtle body language of approval or disapproval. Often we don’t recognize the power of cultural values unless we step outside them. Has one of your children had a tantrum in public? What kind of messages did you get?

Selfishness: Perhaps we are unable to make a distinction between being “self-centered” and “centered in our selves.” Do you hold the belief that, “If I do take care of myself I’m being inconsiderate of others?” This is natural given our culture. But it doesn’t make sense.

There is a reason that flight attendants ask you to put your own oxygen mask on first. If you don’t take care of yourself first – then you can’t take care of the ones you love.

Is it either/or? My sense is that we engage in either/or thinking about caring: EITHER I can care for myself OR I can care for my children. It is true that if we leave taking care of ourselves until the very last thing in the day it won’t happen. It becomes “them” not “me.” But there are other possibilities.

Imagine if… exercising or spending time with friends or reading or taking some quiet time were part of your routine at least several times a week. Would you feel better? Would your children (especially your girls) learn about self-care from your modeling? Would you feel less resentful about not having space for you? Would you have more reserve or “flip your lid” less often? Would it be easier for you to let your children learn how to “take care” of their own feelings and their own life (without abandoning them)? How would it feel to keep your promises to yourself? What do you want your children to learn from you about self-care?

(c) 2011 by Jody McVittie, MD

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Teaching Children to Express Gratitude

by guest blogger Kathy Slattengren

parenting educator at Priceless Parenting

We are responsible for teaching our children to say "please" and "thank you". This basic social skill is critical in showing respect for others. However, many older children have not fully developed this skill and it causes problems.

For example, one aunt explained how hard she worked to find neat gifts for her three nephews. When opening the gifts they would often say things like "I don't really like this." or "This isn't what I wanted." The aunt's feelings were definitely hurt by these remarks. The parents did not step in to help their sons learn that these types of responses were completely inappropriate.

At another holiday gathering children were wildly opening gifts without paying much attention to who the gift was from never mind actually thanking the person for the gift. The children threw aside each gift and anxiously started tearing the wrapping from the next gift. Again the parents failed to set up appropriate rules or expectations for the gift opening.

It's critical to teach our children how to politely handle situations involving gifts. It can be helpful for parents to sit down with their kids ahead of time and discuss the importance of showing their thankfulness. Discussing and practicing what to say under various situations can help prepare children to act graciously even when receiving a gift they really aren't excited about. It can also be helpful to agree on a gentle reminder signal, like a light touch on the ear, if children forget to say thanks.

Sometimes parents express appreciation for something their children have received instead of guiding their children to saying thank you. When parents do this, children do not learn that it is their responsibility to say thank you for things they've received. Children who do not learn to show these basic courtesies are often disrespectful in a number of other ways.

The holidays provide many opportunities for children to practice expressing their appreciation. This holiday season give your children the gift of learning to express their gratitude!

(c) 2011, Kathy Slattengren. All Rights Reserved.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Do Your Kids Understand the Holiday Spirit?

by guest blogger Dr. Shirin Sherkat

parent educator at Create Happy Kids

You can share the spirit of the holidays with your kids!

This is a magical time of year. It doesn’t have to be all about spending money you don’t have, getting stressed and over-scheduling your family.

Your family traditions can embrace the spirit of the season and focus on:

• Giving to others who are less fortunate

• Spending quality (fun) time with family and friends

• Being grateful for what we have and not just focus on “wants”

5 easy ways to share the spirit and involve your kids:

1. Volunteer at your local food bank, soup kitchen, church, or community center with your kids.

2. Organize a family donation box and together, fill it with blankets, toys, jackets and other items that your family doesn’t need, then donate it together (as a family) to a center near you.

3. In addition to asking your kids to make a list of things they want from Santa, make this a family project one night. Make a list of all the things your family is grateful for this holiday! Have younger kids list all the things they have (that they should appreciate) and you write the list for them.

4. Encourage your family (and friends) to consider homemade gifts too, not just store-bought toys, for your kids.

5. For the “12 Nights of Christmas,” instead of focusing on getting something, teach kids to give, create or share something. For example, a family craft night, or a game night, or an evening volunteering at the local soup kitchen, or a movie night with family at home.

A Great Goal!

The goal is to create grateful and caring kids who grow up to be happy, and have a sense of responsibility and true appreciation for the spirit of this beautiful holiday season!

(c) 2011 by Dr. Shirin Sherkat

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Holiday Rituals-Old Ones? New Ones?

by guest blogger Jody McVittie

Executive Director at Sound Discipline

Our community is made up of all sorts of different kinds of families from many different cultures and traditi

ons. There are lots of holidays and special events in this season when the nights are longer and the days are shorter. Your family may have special traditions or rituals that you and your children enjoy – or not!


Rituals are like seasonal routines. They can offer structure and security in times of increased chaos. Being part of a family with healthy rituals can give children a sense of belo

nging, comfort and predictability. Rituals also connect us to our culture and traditions – we become part of something bigger. However, when rituals become too rigid they become a source of stress. Now is the time to ask, “Are our family’s rituals a good fit for us?”


Fine tuning your family rituals:


Involve your family. Ask your family what makes your holiday special to them? What are the things that your family does together that help them know that this is a special time of year. Maybe it is a visit with special people, or lighting candles or traditional meals or religious practices, or a regular event that the family attends together.


Think long term. What mood do you want to create for your family for this season? Do you want a sense of connection? Reverence? Playfulness? Gratitude? Generosity? What kinds of things can you do together that might invite the mood that you would like bring to your holiday?


Some flexibility. If you already have rituals that you have “inherited” but find that they are creating stress instead of the mood you want, work with the others involved to see if you shift things a little bit to maintain the parts of the ritual that invite connection and the mood you want – but also create less stress. Sometimes families “endure” rituals because no one has the courage to ask the group to think about what they really want. 


Repetition. A ritual only becomes a ritual with repetition – but they don’t start out that way. If your family decides to try something new, spend a little time later reflecting on whether it worked. Do you want to try it again next year? Do you want to change a little bit of it to make it work better for everyone?


Creativity and simplicity. When you are thinking of new rituals for your family be creative and be willing to go exploring – but keep the mood in mind. Rituals do not need to be big productions. Sometimes simple is better. Do you want to bake cookies and deliver them to neighbors? Have a family read-aloud night? A neighborhood sing-a-long? Work at or give to a food bank? What kind of things can your family think of that would be fun, honor the holiday, and invite you all to feel connected to each other and/or the bigger world?


Share. Feel free to share your favorite family holiday ritual or activity on our blog. Others can learn from you.

(c) 2011, Jody McVittie. All Rights Reserved.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

How Much Media Is Too Much?

by guest blogger Kathy Slattengren

parenting educator at Priceless Parenting

When parents discuss how much media they allow their children, the answers vary wildly. Some parents have very strict time restrictions on their children's media viewing while others give their children more control over the time they spend on media. How do you know when your child is getting too much media? One mom knew she needed to allow less video game time when her 7-year-old son started not wanting play outside or do things with the family preferring his video game instead. He was so attached to playing his video game that he often pitched a fit when he was told the game had to go off. His games didn't have a good way to save the game for later so he was reluctant to stop playing and lose his place in the game. She decided to reduce his video game playing to one hour twice a week. She started giving him a 10 minute warning before his hour was up. When the 10 minutes were up, he could either choose to shut the game off or she would turn the power off. It only took a couple times of turning the power off to get him to shut the game down in time. What are signs that digital usage is becoming a problem? If your children are exhibiting these types of behaviors, it's time to think about reducing the time they spend on media: Spending less and less time with family and friends Difficulty focusing on the present moment due to craving video game or cellphone Developing health issues such as Carpel Tunnel Syndrome, eye strain, weight gain, backaches Withdrawing from sports, hobbies and social interactions Losing sleep due to gaming, texting Acting irritable or discontent when not using digital items Declining grades in school, missing school Talking and thinking obsessively about the digital activity Denying or minimizing any negative consequences What do the experts recommend? Hilarie Cash, psychotherapist and co-author of Video Games & Your Kids, makes the following recommendations for personal screen time (computer, TV, video games). This time does not include computer time needed for homework. Under 2-years-old: no screen time Preschool: 1 - 2 hours/day Elementary: 2 hours/day Junior/Senior High: 2 - 3 hours/day She also recommends no TV, internet or gaming consoles in children's rooms. The primary problem with having these devices in children's bedrooms is that parents have more difficulty monitoring what's going on. If you feel your child is addicted to video games and will react extremely to having limits set, it is wise to seek help from a professional counselor or psychologist. Won't it be difficult to set limits? It can be very hard to set limits around digital entertainment. These digital devices keep our children content while we benefit from some free time. However, when we realize our children's media usage is having a negative impact on them, we need to set some limits despite our children's protesting. With older children, it can help to explain why we're concerned about the time they're spending on digital entertainment. Engaging them in deciding what reasonable limits should be set may help them in sticking to those limits. We may also need to change our own behavior so that we are modeling reasonable digital media usage. While this won't be easy, it will provide the time to try other activities. Perhaps this will be the summer your family discovers how much fun it is to go biking together! (c) 2011, Kathy Slattengren. All Rights Reserved. Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Keeping Your Kids Safe and Keeping Your Sanity During the Holidays

by guest blogger Kim Estes

helping kids stay safe at Savvy Parents Safe Kids

Ready or not, here they come: The holidays. Along with the holiday season come the relatives and the insane schedules. Even though the holidays are stressful, safety conversations with your child shouldn’t be. However, with recent news reports, parents are concerned and safety is on everyone’s mind. Now is the time to take a moment BEFORE things get too crazy hectic and time becomes too short, to talk to your family and create some common sense safety tips.

Safety while shopping:

• Have a designated spot (a sales counter) to meet older kids if you get separated.

• Younger children should know to look for a “mom with kids” if they get lost

• Have younger kids practice your name and cell phone number

• Remind kids never to leave the store, no matter what!

• Older kids should always take a friend when going to the mall and not leave the premises with anyone

• Kids need to check first with you before going anywhere or accepting gifts

• Never leave children unattended in a vehicle, stores, arcades, or playgrounds

Safety during holiday parties:

• Let your child chose who they wish to show affection to. Do not force them to kiss or hug someone. Kids need to know they have power over their own bodies.

• Check in on kids during large gatherings. Have each adult take 20 minute “shifts” to do a quick walk through the house/yard and check on the kids to make sure that they are doing OK

• Kids should check first with a parent before going off with someone (eg. To play video games in a bedroom or leaving the house to go play)

• If someone is making your child uncomfortable (excessive tickling, hugging, wrestling) intervene on your child’s behalf to end the behavior. Your child needs to know that you will protect them.

Safety conversations with your child will be better received when you keep them short and simple. Never use scare tactics. There will be lots of interaction with family and friends, new experiences and new places. Take time to practice “what if” scenarios with your kids. Taking time to talk safety with your kids will take some of the anxiety out of your holidays.

(c) 2011, Kim Estes. All Rights Reserved.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Family Gatherings: Fun for Everyone?

by guest blogger Kathy Slattengren

parenting educator at Priceless Parenting

When families gather together for a celebration, each participant brings their own history, behavior and expectations. When these different expectations and behaviors clash, the celebrations are often far from the peaceful, loving gatherings depicted in TV holiday commercials! However, when common problems can be anticipated and planned for ahead of time, there is a greater likelihood of a joyful celebration rather than a stressful experience.

To make these events positive and fun for everyone, it's helpful to consider the areas that cause stress for many families: preparing and hosting the gathering and monitoring the interactions between children from different families.

Planning, Preparing and Hosting the Family Gathering

One mom wrote seeking ideas for changing her family gatherings. "I come from a largish family (5 children) who still live in the general area. We're all in our fifties now, married with our own children aged 13 to 25. We still get together at one of our houses for every holiday, four times a year (usually numbering 18-23 people). I have to admit, I absolutely dread these get-togethers. For one thing, my sister, aged mother and I do most of the work. The three brothers do less, and the sisters-in-law and nieces and nephews do nothing. As we get older, it gets more and more exhausting, and it seems like I hardly see my siblings other than these get-togethers, where I'm usually irritated and too busy to really talk much to anyone. Is it unusual to get together this often at our ages? Shouldn't the nieces and nephews be contributing by the time they're out of college?"

Sharing the workload is a key ingredient to making family gatherings fun for everyone. If you're encountering this type of problem, think about some new ideas you'd like to try out and discuss them with your spouse or partner. These new ideas which might include:

• Delegating duties
• Assign tasks like cleaning, decorating, watching toddlers, setting the table, serving drinks, clearing the table and washing the dishes. The idea that everyone has to help out may be revolutionary for some so expect a little grumbling the first couple years!
• Even young children can help by coloring decorations or place cards for the table. By getting kids started early on helping out, you will be preparing them to take on more challenging tasks when they're older.

Bringing something to share

Ask people to bring something to share. Depending on their age and cooking skills, they may want to contribute a homemade pie or pick up bread and cheese at the grocery store.

Teens are capable of helping to prepare the food. By encouraging their participation, you will be passing on some important cooking skills while also helping them feel like significant contributors.

Planning activities 

What options do the children for their free time? An outdoor activity can be a welcome break - a walk to the park, building a snowman or playing basketball. Bringing a new group game like Cranium to the gathering can also provide a fun activity.

Where can children get some downtime? If your children are likely to benefit from some quiet time away from the crowd, plan a way to make that happen.

Considering alternative locations 

Some families rotate where the gathering is held to distribute the work load. Others choose to meet at a neutral place like a park, hotel, restaurant or community room.

If you decide to make suggestions for changing your family gathering, it is best to have the person whose family is getting together talk to everyone about the new plan. Typically new plans go over better this way than when introduced by an in-law. You may need to negotiate some of the proposed changes but at least you'll be taking a step in the right direction!

Keeping the Peace between the Cousins 

Another area that can be rich with parenting challenges is the interaction between the children. For example, younger children may want to play with their older cousins, while the older cousins want to be left alone. Successfully handling these types of disagreements while not offending any of the other parents is no small feat!

Being able to enjoy a glass of wine while your children play nicely together and work out their differences by themselves is ideal. However, if unsupervised play doesn't work well, parents need to take a more active role. You can try suggesting an activity everyone can participate in playing like charades or creating a play that can be performed for the rest of the family. We've had some very entertaining family theater this way!

Planning ahead is essential. If your children are younger than the rest, take along toys, books or other things that they enjoy. When they're not having fun playing with their cousins, they can play with these toys. Be prepared to leave early if your children are "maxed out" and need to get to their own beds for everyone's sanity!

Enjoying the Payoff 

When preparing for your next family gathering, work on making changes that will make the event more pleasurable. Establishing family gatherings that are enjoyable for everyone will pay off over many years! 

(c) 2011, Kathy Slattengren. All Rights Reserved.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Creating A RESPONSIBLE Kid

by guest blogger Shirin Sherkat

Parent Educator at Create Happy Kids

Create a RESPONSIBLE kid.

All families have 2 common goals, with regard to DISCIPLINE, they want their kids to:
 1) learn the difference between right and wrong 
2) learn accountability & take responsibility for their actions

Punishment vs. negative consequence:

What is the difference between natural consequences and punishment? 

When a child makes a mistake, most parents resort to some form of punishment. Such as, taking away toys, time-outs, yelling, or threats of  'taking away all privileges'. That kind of response ends up punishing the child, instead of focusing on behavior change. 

Ask yourself this question, first: "Do I want to create a happy kid who learns about accountability and responsibility through learning from his/her mistakes, while feeling hopeful and empowered to make better decisions?  OR... do I want a fearful kid who grows up angry and rebellious in the face of responsibility and ends up feeling insecure about making any decisions?"  If you want a happy and responsible kid, then read on...  

Punishment takes away HOPE.  The punished child often feels like a bad person (when in fact, he/she may be a very good kid who made a very poor choice).  The child becomes more focused on not getting punished and not getting caught making a mistake! On the other hand, when a child faces the negative consequences of his/her own actions, they learn a very valuable lesson about accountability and how not to make that mistake in the future. 

For example, your 8-yr-old son refuses to eat dinner, despite the offer of delicious treats for dessert. You have calmly reminded him: "First eat your dinner, then you earn dessert."  But he chooses not to try the lasagna that you have spent 2 hours preparing, then he asks for dessert.  You calmly say, "Son, you chose not to have dessert. I told you to eat your dinner first, then you would earn dessert. By not eating dinner, you didn't earn dessert tonight. I hope you try again tomorrow to have dessert after eating your dinner." --there is hope for tomorrow :-)  & please note the wording.

How do natural consequences work?

1) By teaching the kids that they are accountable for their actions

2) By providing direct (or indirect) cause-and-effect connection between the child’s actions and the results of those actions

3) By providing a lesson they can implement and use successfully in the near future

4) By empowering the child to make a better decision next time, because the kid has not lost hope in the process.  This factor is very important and one of the most significant differences between natural consequences and punishment.

Is it all in the wording?  No.  The key to your success in raising responsible kids is not just in the wording. First, it is in appreciating the power of negative consequences and giving more responsibility to your kids.  Then, your success relies on your attitude, approach, tone of voice and having faith in your kids!  

(c) 2011, Dr. Shirin Sherkat. All Rights Reserved.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Machiavellian Intelligence: Does Your Child Have Enough?

by guest blogger Patricia Nan Anderson

consultant and trainer at PatriciaNanAnderson.com

Being skilled in the ways of Niccolo Machiavelli, Renaissance authority on ways to seize and retain power, might not be what you think of when you imagine a good role model for your child’s social development. But “Machiavellian Intelligence” is actually essential to kids’ ability to get along in the world… and it develops through game play.

Machiavellian Intelligence refers to skill in understanding others’ perspectives, using this understanding to achieve agreement, creating positive relationships, and developing leadership behaviors. While anthropological research indicates that these skills have been essential to humans throughout history, these are skills that don’t seem to be actively taught to anyone. They just develop on their own. The kicker is these skills develop through children’s shared activities, activities like playing games.

You remember how you played games with the neighborhood kids, don’t you? You and the other kids first agreed on the rules of the game (though usually the game was so much a part of the fabric of your play that you didn’t notice the rules very much). Maybe you added or subtracted rules to fit the circumstances or the players, and you had a way to negotiate disputes.

Think of hide-and-seek, where an older child might have stepped in to coach the youngest player in good places to hide or good places to look for hiders. Think of sandlot ball games, where a “home run” was defined differently depending on how many kids were in the outfield and disputed calls were resolved using “rock-paper-scissors.” Think of Calvinball, where the rules changed in mid-game to advantage either Calvin or Hobbes.

Games with other kids, where the rules are defined by the players (not by adults or a rule book), appear to be the source of Machiavellian Intelligence. Kids need unstructured game play to develop essential social skills. But there is evidence that today’s kids are disadvantaged.

Today’s children have few opportunities for pick-up games in the neighborhood. Their play instead emphasizes both organized sports and video game play – where rules are codified and either adult leaders or the software itself dictates the action. Even casual playground interactions are often mediated by adults.

If your child complains that “there’s nothing to do” when set loose on a playground, she might need more of this, not less. Keep track of your child’s activities this week and see how much time is spent in casual, unstructured play with other kids. Think back to your own play patterns as a kid and remember what you learned in the give-and-take of having a good time with other children.

You do want your child to have plenty of Machiavellian Intelligence but he can’t get it in school or from a book. He gets it by playing games with other kids.

(c) 2011, Patricia Nan Anderson. All Rights Reserved.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

The Story of MamaCon

by guest bloggers Amy Lang and Kim Estes

Parent Educators at Birds+Bees+Kids and Savvy Parents Safe Kids

We’re moms, small business owners and entrepreneurs. We discovered pretty early in our parenting being a mom is all about work - mundane, challenging, unpaid, endless work. And as if that’s not enough fun, the price of failing at this particular job is high. There is another person whose whole life is dependent upon our ability to do our jobs well, or at least well enough.

Just like every other mother out there, we think our lives would be much easier if our kids had arrived with a training manual, a helpful “how to” video series or at least a little note that said something like:

Dear Amy and Kim,

Just a note to let you know, parenting is not intuitive. It’s a learned skill. The more you learn about parenting the better parent you will be.

Seriously. I’m not kidding here. Don’t be cowgirls and think you can wrangle this calf without some serious training.

Good luck!

The New Mama Fairy

PS - Please take this adage to heart and make taking care of yourselves a priority - If mama ain’t happy, nobody’s happy.

Amy’s son is now 10 and Kim’s girls are 13 and 9 and we are both parenting educators. Amy Lang teaches parents how to talk to their kids about the birds and the bees through her business, Birds + Bees + Kids. Kim Estes teaches parents how to keep their kids safe from sexual abuse, abduction and the big, bad world, through her business, Savvy Parents Safe Kids.

As Amy was putting her speaking schedule together for the year and applying to conferences she had a sudden revelation - What about moms? Why hadn’t she heard about a conference for moms? We work our butts off and rarely get any training, support or relevant continuing education.

Ta-da! The idea for MamaCon, Inspiration and Tools for Modern Moms, was born! We moms consider ourselves the CEO’s of our families and the time has come for a conference supporting our hard work.

The mission of MamaCon is to inspire, encourage and rejuvenate moms by providing top-notch parenting development and education, self-care tips that really work, relationship support, amazing vendors, wine tasting, great food and outstanding entertainment.

We also aspire to increase awareness of parenting education, parenting educators and coaches. Fill out our speaker application! We'd love to have you join us.

Spread the word!

May 18 and 19, 2012 at the Bellevue Hilton.

www.mamacon.net

(c) 2011, Amy Lang & Kim Estes. All Rights Reserved.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.