Childhood Swearing and Insults

by guest blogger Madelyn Jansma, M.Ed.

parent coach at Healthy Happy Families

How should you react when your kids have been repeatedly swearing and insulting each other?

Most kids try out colorful language. Welcome to this parenting opportunity! Perhaps it is time for a family meeting. No yelling or accusing; smile and “share” that as a family, you will be each other’s friends and support system forever—longer than any other school or neighborhood friend. Point out that one of your family values is loving/respecting each other. Ask how it feels to be on the receiving end of name-calling and swearing. Ask the kids to share their thoughts. Let them know that grown-ups with bad language often get held back in career/life. It’s your job as parents to guide kids through this and help them make better choices. Just let them know that while you can’t monitor their language elsewhere, you’ve got new expectations at home and you’ll be looking for chances to practice over the next few weeks (and if school calls with a tale of bad words, let the kids know that you’ll fully support any consequence the teacher uses, plus chores at home to make up for your time on the phone).

That said, there are a number of ways to make kids’ lives uncomfortable so they prefer NOT using derogatory words:

• Use the energy drain technique. Have a list of chores ready to go for kids who use colorful language. Don’t get wound up at delivering the consequence; it’s more like, “Wow, those kinds of words really drain my energy. You can put some back by doing some of my work for me, like cleaning the toilets or mopping under the fridge. No rush; just get it done by the time you’re ready for your next meal.”
• No play dates for a while—how can you ensure that they’ll use good language anywhere else if they don’t use it at home?
• Practice giving compliments during drive time or dinner time—everybody has to compliment everyone else to qualify for dessert. Or, choose one person to be the “special person” each dinnertime—hide an emblem under a plate; everyone owes that person a compliment. The next night, last evening’s “special person” gets to hide the emblem under another plate.
• As an adult, model good word choices to your spouse and the kids. Say lots of affirming things, and use “I notice that___.”
• If kids tattle, don’t get sucked in. A few choices are to only call ‘em as you see ‘em, or assign chores for both kids to do together so they can practice getting along (from the Sibling Rivalry CD).
• You can also say, “Golly, I sure don’t use words like that. You must be getting those words from your screen time. It’s too bad you can’t use better judgment, so sadly, there won’t be any screen time for a while, until I feel that you’re ready to make better choices.”

As with all poor behavior choices, the Love and Logic® parent doesn’t make a fuss. Use few words and more action to make your child’s life inconvenient, so he wants to use appropriate words! Remember, Love and Logic® parents make sure kids get lots of positive attention for respectful, responsible, and fun-to-be-with behavior.

(c) 2012 by Madelyn Jansma, M.Ed.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.