Childhood Swearing and Insults

by guest blogger Madelyn Jansma, M.Ed.

parent coach at Healthy Happy Families

How should you react when your kids have been repeatedly swearing and insulting each other?

Most kids try out colorful language. Welcome to this parenting opportunity! Perhaps it is time for a family meeting. No yelling or accusing; smile and “share” that as a family, you will be each other’s friends and support system forever—longer than any other school or neighborhood friend. Point out that one of your family values is loving/respecting each other. Ask how it feels to be on the receiving end of name-calling and swearing. Ask the kids to share their thoughts. Let them know that grown-ups with bad language often get held back in career/life. It’s your job as parents to guide kids through this and help them make better choices. Just let them know that while you can’t monitor their language elsewhere, you’ve got new expectations at home and you’ll be looking for chances to practice over the next few weeks (and if school calls with a tale of bad words, let the kids know that you’ll fully support any consequence the teacher uses, plus chores at home to make up for your time on the phone).

That said, there are a number of ways to make kids’ lives uncomfortable so they prefer NOT using derogatory words:

• Use the energy drain technique. Have a list of chores ready to go for kids who use colorful language. Don’t get wound up at delivering the consequence; it’s more like, “Wow, those kinds of words really drain my energy. You can put some back by doing some of my work for me, like cleaning the toilets or mopping under the fridge. No rush; just get it done by the time you’re ready for your next meal.”
• No play dates for a while—how can you ensure that they’ll use good language anywhere else if they don’t use it at home?
• Practice giving compliments during drive time or dinner time—everybody has to compliment everyone else to qualify for dessert. Or, choose one person to be the “special person” each dinnertime—hide an emblem under a plate; everyone owes that person a compliment. The next night, last evening’s “special person” gets to hide the emblem under another plate.
• As an adult, model good word choices to your spouse and the kids. Say lots of affirming things, and use “I notice that___.”
• If kids tattle, don’t get sucked in. A few choices are to only call ‘em as you see ‘em, or assign chores for both kids to do together so they can practice getting along (from the Sibling Rivalry CD).
• You can also say, “Golly, I sure don’t use words like that. You must be getting those words from your screen time. It’s too bad you can’t use better judgment, so sadly, there won’t be any screen time for a while, until I feel that you’re ready to make better choices.”

As with all poor behavior choices, the Love and Logic® parent doesn’t make a fuss. Use few words and more action to make your child’s life inconvenient, so he wants to use appropriate words! Remember, Love and Logic® parents make sure kids get lots of positive attention for respectful, responsible, and fun-to-be-with behavior.

(c) 2012 by Madelyn Jansma, M.Ed.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

When Anger Gets the Best of Our Kids

by guest blogger Patti Skelton-McGougan

executive director at Youth Eastside Services

Reducing violent outbursts is better for everyone

Anger is a natural, healthy emotion like love, sadness, or joy. And like all emotions, anger needs to be expressed—the key is learning to express it appropriately.

It’s important for our kids to understand that anger is normal and happens to everyone. Anger is also powerful, in part because it is fueled by adrenaline. That’s why some kids are frightened when they feel angry.

Anger left unexpressed may bubble over in a rage that can have tragic consequences. When kids or adults feel anger, it's time to step back, take a deep breath, and put the self-control in gear. Here are some specific tools that can help.

Be a good example—Parents are a child’s first and most important teacher. If you yell, hit or throw things when you’re mad—your son or daughter will follow suit.

Recognize the signs—Help kids recognize the physical signs their body gives them, like a pounding heart, flushed face or a tightening of the muscles. When they feel that way, it’s good practice to take a moment to calm down. The tried and true “count to 10” is one simple way for a child to take a moment and breathe before lashing out.

Tune-in to feelings—Get kids to note what makes them angry and why. It’s not enough to say “it’s unfair.” Instead they should take the time to try and understand what specifically is unfair and why that makes them angry. The heat of the moment may not be the best time to have this discussion. After a cooling period, but help your child look back over the situation.

Practice damage control—Once the anger trigger has been identified, help your child choose the solution that provides the most benefit with the least damage.

Try healthy stress relief—Help kids work out their anger in healthy ways like a fun pillow fight or a walk. Reward your child with your attention when they control their anger. “Go outside and run around the house five times fast. We'll talk when you come back in.”

Call for help—Some problems are just too big for anyone to handle alone. Teach kids it’s OK to ask for support and help if they can’t resolve what makes them angry.

Let them know it’s OK—Tell your child that everyone gets angry—including you! Talk about a time when you were angry and anger management helped you successfully resolve the problem in a positive way.

If your child is getting into physical fights, often argues heatedly with no resolution, seems always angry, holds onto grudges or “gets back” at people, consider seeking professional help. Most counselors, including those at Youth Eastside Services, are equipped to teach effective anger management for parents and kids.

(c) 2012 by Patti Skelton-McGougan

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Handling Anger Appropriately

by guest blogger Madelyn Jansma, M.Ed.

parent coach at Healthy Happy Families

Today we're looking at when YOU are angry with your [momentarily not-so-darling] children. Kids make us livid, sometimes! The hard truth is that if kids are going to learn self-control, the example is going to have to come from their parents. Society has changed: the more out-of-control you are, the more likely you will secure a spot on a reality television show.

-For those big offenses, before you do something you regret,

-Take a deep breath, and slowly exhale.

-It’s OK to say, “I am SO angry right now! I want to cool down before I say something I regret. Let’s walk away from each other before this gets worse for you. We can talk about it when we’re both calm and thinking more clearly.”

-Add the Love and Logic® delayed consequence statement: “Try not to worry about it, sweetie.”

-Depending on the age of the child and circumstance, you can get together to talk about the consequences anywhere from a few hours to a week later. This is a perfect time to use the “energy drain” technique.

If you’re just having a bad day (as we all do) and the kids are getting on your last nerve, model healthy self care:

-Say, “I’m feeling grouchy right now, and I’m not very fun to be with. I need some time alone to regroup.”

-Then scoot off somewhere alone, and model some behaviors the kids might turn to when they’re feeling snarky. Read a silly comic book, go for a walk around the block, take a catnap on the couch, bounce a ball against the garage door.

-When you rejoin the family, emphasize that, “I feel much better now that I took some time to myself. I’m fun to be around now! What shall we do together?”

For any offense, you can say with loving sincerity, “Wow, I’m going to have to do something about this. Just not right now since I’m angry. I’ll get back to you later.”

(c) 2012 by Madelyn Jansma, M.Ed.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Parenting with the Body in Mind

by guest blogger Jody McVittie, MD

executive director at Sound Discipline

We sure hear a lot these days about the brain – and brain science. When we hear the word “brain” most of us think of the soft stuff that is inside our skull. That is, in fact, our “brain.” But it turns out that our body is not just the thing that carries our brain around. Human nervous systems are incredibly complex and there is a lot of information exchanged between the brain and the rest of the body. Dr. Daniel Siegel (a well-known UCLA interpersonal neurobiologist/psychiatrist) now refers to the entire nervous system as “the brain.” As we learn more about the nervous system, it seems that we perceive a LOT more with our bodies that we have been acknowledging in recent times. There is a surprisingly large amount of information coming from our intestinal tract to that organ in our head— and from the heart. So those sayings you have about your “gut feeling” and your “heart not being in it” are probably not so far from the truth.

So what does THAT have to do with parenting? Becoming aware of the sensations in our bodies can help us as parents learn to self regulate. We can keep our prefrontal cortex working longer. And it can help our kids too. Caroline Goodell at the Institute for Body Awareness has a simple process for teaching kids to become more body aware. When kids who are racing around focus on their bodies it helps them able to calm down internally. It brings them back to the present moment. She recommends a game called “Where are My Elbows?”

Here is how it goes. When you see a child over stimulated or out of control you can:
1. (Staying calm yourself) say, “Hold on a second! Stop. See if you can stop just for a second.”
2. Then say, “Don’t look but see if you can tell me – without looking – if your knees arebent (pause) or straight.”
3. If the child answers and starts racing around again, repeat it with another body part. Keep track of how many times you repeat this before getting results. Caroline says her kids usually needed 3 times to be able to re-gather.
Here are some other body part suggestions:
- Are your shoulders up or down?
- Are your elbows bent or straight?
- Are your hands in fists or open?
- Are your toes scrunched or flat?
- Is your tummy pushing out or relaxed?
- Is your forehead relaxed or tight?
- Is your weight more on your left foot, right foot or both feet the same?
- Is your head tilted or straight?

Pay attention to what the child is doing to decide what to ask. If you ask about different parts each time you try this it is more interesting. If the child can’t stop and check in with their body – practice at a time when they are calmer. When they get familiar with the game it will get easier to play even when they are excited or over stimulated.

(c) 2012 by Jody McVittie, MD

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.