Remaining True to Yourself in Intercultural Situations

by guest blogger Nita Talwar

parenting educator at Peak Experience Parenting

The world is becoming smaller every day. People are traveling more now then ever before. We are marrying people from cultures other than our own. We are raising our children in cultures unfamiliar to ourselves. How does one raise children in an authentic way when faced with so many differing values and cultures?

Having lived in the United States, the Netherlands, and India and observing my children being influenced by the culture around them, I learned very quickly that it is easy to lose your way. For example, if you find yourself in a country with relaxed rules about such things as drugs and alcohol, you need to determine what is right for you and your family. Or, when sugar bowls are present at the lunch table in the cafeteria at school and when children are not monitored about how much sugar they take, it is difficult to instill healthier eating standards at home. The message becomes confusing for the child and the parent may end up feeling frustrated. How do you navigate situations similar to this? Working with clients in each of these countries, I found that we all face similar challenges in these type of situations. These challenges also exist if each parent is from a different culture as well.

When in these situations, I remind my clients the importance of appreciating what you liked about the way you grew up. If your spouse is from a different culture it is important to know what your spouse appreciated about the way he or she grew up. Which of these qualities would you like to pass on to your own children? How can you weave these values into your current situation?

In addition, it is important to assess your mental, spiritual, and physical state of being. Do you feel in balance? Do you feel your reserves are full? If not, what will it take to make you feel more in balance or more able to handle what comes your way?

A few things that may help you in such situations include:

1. The power of ‘pause’: Try ‘pausing’ before taking action and asking yourself is this in line with my values?

2. Reframe: Try re-framing the situation to determine what you or your children can learn from it. You have found yourself living in a culture or with a partner that is different from your own for a reason.

3. Address the concern: Try not to ignore your concern or the concern of your child. Try addressing it by talking about it and opening the lines of communication.

4. Set boundaries: Try to be consistent in setting boundaries that are in line with your values

5. Be gentle with yourself: You are navigating a new landscape and need to be gentle with yourself during the process. Try and take some ‘me’ time to recharge.

6. Know the benefits of mastering the art of transition and intercultural relations and remind your self of these when times seem tough.

Some of these benefits may include:

▪ You have opened yourself up to travel opportunities

▪ You develop a worldwide network of friends

▪ You are increasing your awareness of how other people live

▪ You are learning about different cultures

▪ You learn that people from different cultures do the same thing in different ways so there is no so-called ‘right’ way to do things. What is right for you and your family may not be right for others and vice versa.

▪ You connect more deeply with your family members going through the intercultural transition with you

▪ You may have the opportunity to learn a different language

▪ You may have the opportunity to give back to the community you are currently residing

Having gone through many cultural transitions myself, I remind myself that through these experiences I have deepened my value for race, culture, and lifestyle diversity. I know that my children have developed life skills, confidence, and appreciation for all cultures they may come across in their home country or abroad.

(c) 2012 by Nita Talwar

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Baby’s First Year: Brain Development

by guest blogger Christine Roberts

founder at Nurturing Pathways, INC

The brain at birth has 100 billion neurons that are like seeds awaiting the proper nutrients to become healthy trees. As neurons get those nutrients from their learning environment, they grow roots and branches. The brain’s primary nutrients are food, sleep, responsive interaction with adults and movement opportunities.

The brain is the body’s most malleable organ. It dances with nature and nurture in a seamless flow of ever-changing states. Infants spend the first year of their lives "hard wiring" their eyes, ears, taste, touch and body awareness. Their brain, like a seed, comes with the potential for growth. The seed sprouts and grows roots and branches when all of the baby’s senses are stimulated.

At no other time will the brain grow at such a rapid rate, doubling its weight in the first year and achieving 95% of its adult weight by the age of four. Time spent on the tummy strengthens the baby’s body and supports their independent mobility, in addition to developing the brain’s neural connections. As neuroscientists like to say, "what gets fired gets hard wired."

Activities for Growth and Learning

Tummy time matters for the brain and body. Babies need lots of opportunities to discover their mobility. Just as a turtle flipped on its shell cannot get up and go, neither can an infant on its back. Our practices create outcomes. The time to put best practices into place is at the beginning of every child’s life, when the greatest long-term gain can be realized.

Tummy Time Tips and Tricks:

· Infants enjoy tummy time on a soft matted surface with a primary caregiver at the same level. Infants will be delighted with sensory responsive toys like chiffon scarves and musical instruments.

· Infants placed on their tummies in close proximity to one another will engage in observing their friends. Stay with the infant and support them with your reassuring touches and supportive words.

· When infants fight tummy time engage them with songs, rhymes and movement while they are on their tummy. The goal is to daily increase time spent on their tummy.

Sing rhymes like "Itsy Bitsy Spider" and run your hands up and down their body like a spider. Put enticing instruments in front of them and tap the rhythm of the music on their bottom, toes and back.

(c) 2012 by Christine Roberts

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Toy Troubles: My Toddler Won't Help Clean Up!

by guest blogger Sarina Behar Natkin

parent coach at Grow Parenting

You and your child have had a blast building a tower of blocks. Clean up time comes and you ask for some help putting the blocks away. Next thing you know, your calm cutie is gearing up for a major melt down. Sound familiar?

Encouraging clean up is a common struggle in many families. Whose job is it? If you clean them up are you letting them get away with something? Is it worth the struggle to make them do it? Lets take a look at these common questions.

The first step is to be clear on what you are trying to accomplish by having your child help. Do you want help so you don't have to do it all yourself, or is it because you want to teach responsibility and care for possessions? When my daughter was a toddler, I would look at a room full of toys and worry that she

would never clean up after herself if I always did it for her. I spent some time thinking about what it was I was trying to achieve.

I wanted her to know that she is capable. I wanted her to know we are responsible for our own things. I wanted her to learn that part of playing is cleaning up. Immediately, a sense of relief came over me. I realized this was not something I could teach in one day, in one power struggle. These were big life lessons, things that would take years to help her internalize.

With a little more rational perspective, I began to think about age appropriate expectations and what a room full of toys everywhere would look like to someone one-third my size. It be would be like an adult looking at an entire gym full of toys. I know I would be overwhelmed and not know where to start, possibly leading to a meltdown of my own! It's a lot to ask a toddler (even a 5 year old) to clean up an entire room, so they just get overwhelmed and resist. If it becomes a power struggle, it’s just not worth it. It’s hard for us to learn big life lessons when we are in the midst of defending our position.

The question now becomes, “what do I do in the short term to help my child learn these values in the long term?” Here are some options depending on what your goal is:

1) Make a game of it! Say, “I will pick up all the red toys, would you like to pick up the blue or the yellow?” Give choices when you can, it gives little ones some control and gets their buy-in.

2) Pick one small area that you want their help with. "Lets work together to clean up the cars. When you put the red cars in the box, I will put the blue and yellow ones in."

3) Only get one play item out at a time. "I see you would like to play with blocks. Lets get the blocks out and when we are done with those, we can put them away and pick another toy."

4) Ask your child for their ideas. "We seem to end up with so many toys out that the room looks like a mess to me. I want us to be able to play with toys, but I need your help in keeping our space clean and safe from things we might trip on. Do you have any ideas?"

5) Decide it’s not worth the struggle. If it’s been a power struggle for a while, I might let it go for a bit and just spend the 5 minutes doing it after they go to bed. If this is already a charged issue, it just needs to be dropped for a week or two. Sometimes the frustration of trying to get help and not getting it is more stressful then just cleaning up the toys. Even if we cleaned up their toys for the first few years, they can still grow up to be healthy adults who know how to take care of their stuff.

6) If you do let it go for a bit, or decide to try a new strategy by playing with one item at a time, I would talk about it. For example, "We have really been having a hard time trying to figure out how to get our toys cleaned up after we play. I don't want to argue about it, so for the next week, I am going to clean them up. After that, we will try a new way to solve the problem. What do you think about only taking one toy out at a time? Do you have any ideas of how we can work together?"

7) If your child picking up the toys is your bottom line, clear and explicit rules are a must. For example, "I want to be clear with you about the rules for picking up toys so we don't have to worry about it every day when it’s clean up time. When toys are not picked up, mom picks them up and puts them in a basket out of sight. They will be returned to you in a week.” Once you have said that, you can decide if you will give a reminder or not when clean up time occurs. It is important to not be judgmental or harp on it. If the toys are not picked up, no guilt tripping or lecturing. Just a simple "Ok, I notice you the blocks are still on the floor. Mommy will put them away until next week." If we add judgment, we invite defensiveness instead of an opportunity to learn.

No matter which strategy you choose, the critical part here is the follow through. I see parents set rules which then are not stuck to, either because they have set an unrealistic expectation and realize that midway through follow through, or they just can't stand to see their kiddo upset. Both of those come up for all of us at times, which is why it is so important to be clear on the goal you are trying to achieve and keep in mind realistic age appropriate expectations.

When new limits are set, it is natural for kiddos to challenge them. Will mom really take it away for a week? If I cry hard enough will she give it back? If you stick to the rule you set, it often makes for a quick flare up of tantrums, followed rather quickly by a change in behavior...i.e. picking up the toys.

Consistency and follow through are so important when helping kids change a behavior. And, one of the best pieces of advice I ever received about parenting- it is OK to change your mind. It is absolutely ok to realize your are in a power struggle with your child and say to them, "You know what, I can see how important this is to you and now that I think about it, I can see your point. How about we try this instead." It is ok to change your mind occasionally. This is different from doing it every time your little one has a meltdown. It teaches kids that it’s ok to be wrong; it’s ok to say, “I'm sorry, lets try a different way.” It teaches empathy and resilience.

Remember, with every parenting decision, we have the choice to act for the immediate situation or for the long-term value we wish to teach our children. When we choose the latter, we actually reach our goal quicker.

(c) 2012 by Sarina Behar Natkin

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Creating Space

by guest blogger Casey O'Roarty

parent educator at Monroe Family YMCA

My son loves his "guys." He had little Star Wars guys and big G.I Joe guys. He loves them especially when he can take their clothes on and off, and change their outfits. It is often frustrating because his little six-year-old fingers have a hard time pulling those pants off and getting them back on again... Many times, a limb, or a hand, or a foot will come off with the clothes. I know when it happens because the howl I hear from my son is a special one he uses only in these moments...

I curse the companies that make these dolls when I hear Ian's cry... I know that they are just crappy made-in-China toys with no chance against the strength of a child, but Ian is crushed every time one of these guys loses a body part. He believes his guy is "ruined." I spend time trying to convince him that there are solutions - "Daddy can fix it, maybe some hot glue?"

"Nooooo!!!! He won't be the same!!!! He's ruined!!!"

It really is painful. Enter the Justin Bieber doll.

Ian used his own money to buy this guy off the Internet. He came with a small skateboard, a microphone and an outfit. Poke him in the belly button and he sings a song... Ian loves Justin Bieber and he loves guys, so you can only imagine how he felt when this fella showed up in the mail!

Fast forward to today. I was putting something away in Rowan's room, and Ian was playing with his guys in his room. All of a sudden I heard it. The howl. Almost animal like. I knew what happened before I saw it. J-Bieb lost a limb... Right at the knee, his leg had snapped.

Oh no, I thought to myself, here we go... I looked at Ian. I watched the crocodile tears pouring out of his eyes. Then, I did something different. Instead of offering up a bunch of suggestions, reasons why it wasn't as bad as he thought, I hugged him. I held him close to me and kept my mouth closed.

"What can we do, mom?" He asked as he pulled away.

"I'm not sure babe...” I said. Then I held out my arms again and he came in for some more love and sympathy. I held on to him and let him have his disappointment, his sadness...

The next time he pulled away he looked up and said, with a teary voice, "Maybe we could tape it? Then it could be like he has a cast? We could use electrical tape..."

"Okay," I replied, "Let's give it a try."

Ian found the tape and I went to work. I wrapped and wrapped and wrapped that sucker up. The top of his leg down to his foot is wrapped in black electrical tape. I used enough in the middle so that it is actually pretty solid. When I was done Ian smiled, and took him back into his room. He is now fully clothed and you can't even tell he has an injury...

We talk a lot about encouragement in Positive Discipline, often in comparison to praise. Parents who take my classes practice descriptive encouragement - I noticed that you cleaned your room, appreciative encouragement - thank you for helping with the dishes, it made my morning a lot easier, and empowering encouragement - I love you and have faith that you can solve your problem. Parents are challenged to look for times throughout the day to offer up encouragement to their children.

My friend and mentor, Jody McVittie, has taught me a new way of thinking about encouragement. She defines the root word, courage, as the motion we take in the direction of becoming our best selves. I love this idea... We are courageous when we take action in the direction of being our best selves.

So, she goes on to say, if courage is motion toward becoming our best self, ENCOURAGEMENT is the space we make for another human being to take that step into their best self.

Let me say that again, encouragement is the space we make for another human being to take that step into their best self. This is so different than knowing what to say when our child has done something well - this is a way of being with our children.

Today, when JB's leg snapped, I could have rushed over, anxious to make Ian "feel better" - instead I created space for him to be his best self. In this space, he was allowed his feelings, his disappointment was recognized. And because I kept my mouth shut, he had the space to come up with a solution, one he valued because it was his own.

I use lots of parenting tools throughout my days. I listen without fixing, I use curiosity questions, I take time for training, but it is this new idea of encouragement that is rocking my parenting world. Thinking about creating the space for my children to be their best selves really resonates with me. And it is really teaching my kids about their own worth and capabilities.

(c) 2012 by Casey O'Roarty

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.