Imagine you have a project due one day at work. You walk in the office and you supervisor asks, “How’s that pr
oject coming?” You wander over to your desk and start to settle in. Next thing you know your co-worker has poked his head into your space “Do you need some help on that big project?” You start to walk to the bathroom and some one says “Are you almost done with that... it is due today, don’t forget.” You head to lunch and someone else asks “I see you’re headed out, did you finish that job already?”
Get the picture?
What would you be thinking and deciding about yourself, your supervisor and co-workers, and about getting this work done? Are these the decisions you want your child to be making about you?
When I decided to sit down and write this article I thought back to yesterday when my son came home from school. How many times do you think my son heard the word homework in the first hour or so he was home? Once when he came in the door....“How was your day? What homework do you have?” Again as he headed down the stairs....“Remember no screens before homework.” Next when he came into the kitchen to get a snack..... “Do you need help with any of your homework???” Then dad came home and started asking about it...As I looked back on those moments it reminded me of the story above and I started to wonder what all of these inquiries were doing to him or for him. Was he deciding that we thought he was incapable of doing his work with out reminders? Was he feeling frustrated by out constant reminders? Was he thinking that we were overly involved in his process?
Homework and how to get involved is a tricky situation for a lot of families. Especially as they make the leap from elementary school to middle school and parents have to find a new way to relate to this process. It is now your job to start backing away so your child can figure out what he/she needs to succeed. If parents continually insert themselves into their child’s homework process the child will not learn what skills they need in order to become successful at this. Instead they learn to turn to you. Homework is one of the great determiners of how far along a parent has come in their own parenting development. So how do parents support their child’s growth in this area without over stepping? It is a fine line. Here are some ideas.
1. Have a conversation with your child and ask him/her how you can best provide support. This time in the school year they have gotten far enough along to know in what areas they succeed and in what areas they could use some support. Ask them what they think they did well last term and what things they want to work on. Tell them what you noticed both positives and challenges. Then together come up with a plan.
2. Ask them to put their projects and due dates on the family calendar. This will prevent you from constantly asking about it. It will also serve as a reminder for them when things are coming up. Set the example and put your own deadlines, activities on there as well. Once this becomes a family thing it can become a powerful way for families to keep track of due dates and give subtle reminders, “I see you report is due next Monday. “
3. Decide together on a consistent homework time. Does it work for them to do it right when they get home? Do they need a break before they get started? We already know they like to have a say in their lives, this gives them a sense of control. If they have a say in it, they have a bigger buy in.
4. Check in and gauge frustration levels. Most parents know what the signs are when their child is overwhelmed by something. Catch the moments and see what it is that you can do to support them. Find that fine line between doing it for them and offering assistance. Remember at this point one of the best things you can do is to ask them questions until they discover the answer for themselves. You can also discuss with them where they could find answers. There are a variety of free and reputable homework help sites available online. Your student can just Google the question, but you want to make sure they understand the “why” behind the answer. Encourage them to talk to their teachers about things they find confusing or frustrating.
5. Empower then disengage. Instead of getting caught up in the struggle. Let them know you know they are capable and then give them space. Homework can become one of the places where you are constantly butting heads and eventually you find yourself exhausted and wondering why you care more than it appears they do. The most wonderful lesson a parent can learn is to empower your child “I know you can do this” and then leave the room and give them the space to succeed or learn from their own mistakes.
What about when things don’t go well, or grades start to fall? Try natural and reasonable consequences. Have preemptive conversations. Are there expectations around where grades will be in order to play sports, go to friends’ houses, and/or have screen times. Tell them why you have set these boundaries. Teach your children what to prioritize by showing them where academics fall in the grand scheme of things.
The tips above will help you take yourself out of the equation. What we want is for our children to become self-sufficient and to understand their own capabilities. We want them to develop their own strategies and to carry these strategies with them to the next step. Give them space to grow and they will amaze not just you -- but themselves.
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