Never Underestimate the Importance of Family Mealtime

by guest blogger Nita Talwar

Certified Parent Coach at Peak Experience Parenting

Imagine, if you will, a family sitting down together for a dinner, which allows for open conver

sation and a sharing of stories. Add to this the aromas and tastes of an excellent meal. The thought of it appeals to my all senses.

It has been a dream of mine to have consistent, regular family dinners together. As my children grow older, I feel the desire for this even more.

As we entered 2012, I really asked myself why my dream has not happened. There are so many reasons. When my children were younger both my husband and I worked and we were doing everything we could to just hold it together. Then, I stopped working and my husband took on additional responsibilities to keep the family afloat. My husband then worked longer hours and did not always make it home to eat with us. Then, I decided to go back to school. This required more juggling to keep things running smoothly.

Now, my children are 8 and 12 years old, I work part-time, and my husband has a job that he enjoys and allows him more work-life balance. Family dinners now actually seem possible. But it wasn’t easy.

My children have after-school activities and their sports’ schedules can go until 8:30PM on some evenings. At these times, they wanted to eat dinner earlier. And it turned out there were days when my husband had to work late. My evenings also start to fill up once or twice a week. We were all so busy, I thought that I should just let go of my desire for family dinners.

I am a Parent Coaching Institute-certified coach, and help parents with challenges they have with their children. I also teach them how to take care of themselves so that they can parent well and help them enjoy their parenting journey. I always discuss perspective with my clients and provide exercises on how to change perspective. One day, it suddenly dawned on me: I needed to do this myself.

I sat down and thought about why I wanted a family dinner. Why was it so important? The answers I came up with included having a ‘pause’ in the day to reconnect with loved ones, creating a special time to share stories, feeling reminiscent of my childhood and sitting around the table with my parents and brother, and providing a time and space for open conversation over some good food.

There is something magical about a shared meal. Once I became focused and clear on why I wanted family dinners, I also thought about other opportunities and times that I may foster this connectedness and open conversation.

I, then, turned to ‘observation’ mode. This is also something I ask my clients to do. If your attention is there and you are focusing on something, look for it in your life. It will present itself.

For my family and I the opportunity presented itself at breakfast. We now sit together almost every morning and have ‘family breakfast’ together. Everyone is awake and engaged. We are able to discuss what is happening that day. The kids bring up things that they have been thinking about and my husband joins in the conversation adding what is happening at work for him as well.

I received an additional gift in allowing breakfast to be the family meal. We actually eat hot, healthy meals now instead of gulping down a glass of milk and grabbing something portable in our hands. My entire family eats a hearty meal such as steel-cut oatmeal with nuts and fruits in it. They have a glass of milk and take their vitamins.

Feeding my family a healthy breakfast (the most important meal of the day) has also been deeply gratifying. One thing ‘family breakfast’ has done is increase my food preparation responsibilities very early in the morning. I get up a half-hour earlier than the rest of my family. I have my cherished cup of coffee and start making breakfast. Some days, I feel as if I am conducting an orchestra with multiple pots on the stove at once, cutting up fruit, and filling plates and bowls with aromatic, tasty food.

As I serve the food and sit down with my family, I feel that I am hearing the beautiful music from a symphony orchestra when, in fact, I am listening to the rich conversation happening between my family. On top of that, my children clear their own dishes and rinse them.

Another gift: My husband and children leave the house together and he drops them off at school. That equals more quality time for him with the kids.

Now ‘family breakfast’ is more than I ever could have dreamed of. I start each and every day feeling healthy, and most of all, connected to those I love. Now that I am living one dream, I wonder what dream will next become reality in its own, unique way.

Stay tuned.

(c) 2012 by Nita Talwar

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Homework: The Other H-Word.

by guest blogger Cesily M. Crowser

Parent Education Instructor

Imagine you have a project due one day at work. You walk in the office and you supervisor asks, “How’s that pr

oject coming?” You wander over to your desk and start to settle in. Next thing you know your co-worker has poked his head into your space “Do you need some help on that big project?” You start to walk to the bathroom and some one says “Are you almost done with that... it is due today, don’t forget.” You head to lunch and someone else asks “I see you’re headed out, did you finish that job already?”

Get the picture?

What would you be thinking and deciding about yourself, your supervisor and co-workers, and about getting this work done? Are these the decisions you want your child to be making about you?

When I decided to sit down and write this article I thought back to yesterday when my son came home from school. How many times do you think my son heard the word homework in the first hour or so he was home? Once when he came in the door....“How was your day? What homework do you have?” Again as he headed down the stairs....“Remember no screens before homework.” Next when he came into the kitchen to get a snack..... “Do you need help with any of your homework???” Then dad came home and started asking about it...As I looked back on those moments it reminded me of the story above and I started to wonder what all of these inquiries were doing to him or for him. Was he deciding that we thought he was incapable of doing his work with out reminders? Was he feeling frustrated by out constant reminders? Was he thinking that we were overly involved in his process?

Homework and how to get involved is a tricky situation for a lot of families. Especially as they make the leap from elementary school to middle school and parents have to find a new way to relate to this process. It is now your job to start backing away so your child can figure out what he/she needs to succeed. If parents continually insert themselves into their child’s homework process the child will not learn what skills they need in order to become successful at this. Instead they learn to turn to you. Homework is one of the great determiners of how far along a parent has come in their own parenting development. So how do parents support their child’s growth in this area without over stepping? It is a fine line. Here are some ideas.

1. Have a conversation with your child and ask him/her how you can best provide support. This time in the school year they have gotten far enough along to know in what areas they succeed and in what areas they could use some support. Ask them what they think they did well last term and what things they want to work on. Tell them what you noticed both positives and challenges. Then together come up with a plan.

2. Ask them to put their projects and due dates on the family calendar. This will prevent you from constantly asking about it. It will also serve as a reminder for them when things are coming up. Set the example and put your own deadlines, activities on there as well. Once this becomes a family thing it can become a powerful way for families to keep track of due dates and give subtle reminders, “I see you report is due next Monday. “

3. Decide together on a consistent homework time. Does it work for them to do it right when they get home? Do they need a break before they get started? We already know they like to have a say in their lives, this gives them a sense of control. If they have a say in it, they have a bigger buy in.

4. Check in and gauge frustration levels. Most parents know what the signs are when their child is overwhelmed by something. Catch the moments and see what it is that you can do to support them. Find that fine line between doing it for them and offering assistance. Remember at this point one of the best things you can do is to ask them questions until they discover the answer for themselves. You can also discuss with them where they could find answers. There are a variety of free and reputable homework help sites available online. Your student can just Google the question, but you want to make sure they understand the “why” behind the answer. Encourage them to talk to their teachers about things they find confusing or frustrating.

5. Empower then disengage. Instead of getting caught up in the struggle. Let them know you know they are capable and then give them space. Homework can become one of the places where you are constantly butting heads and eventually you find yourself exhausted and wondering why you care more than it appears they do. The most wonderful lesson a parent can learn is to empower your child “I know you can do this” and then leave the room and give them the space to succeed or learn from their own mistakes.

What about when things don’t go well, or grades start to fall? Try natural and reasonable consequences. Have preemptive conversations. Are there expectations around where grades will be in order to play sports, go to friends’ houses, and/or have screen times. Tell them why you have set these boundaries. Teach your children what to prioritize by showing them where academics fall in the grand scheme of things.

The tips above will help you take yourself out of the equation. What we want is for our children to become self-sufficient and to understand their own capabilities. We want them to develop their own strategies and to carry these strategies with them to the next step. Give them space to grow and they will amaze not just you -- but themselves.

(c) 2012 by Cesily M. Crowser

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Baby’s First Year: Motor Development

by guest blogger Christine Roberts

founder of Nurturing Pathways, INC

A baby's delicate neural networks need exercise just as their body does. Budding neural tree limbs need the fertilizer of movement to stimulate the chemical release of proteins that build the brain. Movement that involves push and pull strengthens, stabilizes and organizes patterns of movement. In an economy of design, the very events taking place in the body are taking place in the brain. Just as the shoulders, hips, hands and feet are becoming strengthened, stabilized and organized, so are the neural networks.

Movement experiences carried out on the tummy fulfill the developmental patterns that contribute to a sound body and brain. Along with the enormous physical benefits of movement for visual development, eye hand coordination, developing the arches in the feet and hands, and one’s overall sense of self; physical activity and interactive play are the primary ingredients for sound neurological integration. Tummy time milestones include rolling, crawling, creeping and standing. Tummy time also aids in the achievement of cognitive milestones like speaking their first words, increased attention span, and school readiness.

Motor development is cultivated from the prone position. Think of it as ‘growing from the ground up.’ If parents and caregivers consciously limit the time babies spend in containers, especially during the early months prior to crawling, the baby will experience less stress on their tummy to play.

(c) 2012 by Christine Roberts

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Helping Your Child With Grief: Some Children Need extra TLC

by guest blogger Patti Skelton-McGougan

Executive Director of Youth Eastside Services

In the past couple of months, we've had some very public stories of death, including a Woodinville teacher and a Kirkland high school student. When death happens to someone close to us, the feelings can be difficult for children of any age to process, especially when violence is involved.

"How much children understand depends on their age and maturity level," explains Evan Kimble, one of the experienced grief counselors at Youth Eastside Services. "For example, a child who already has lost a family pet may more quickly assimilate what it means when a person dies."

No matter the age, experience or personality of your children, there are a few important truths to remember when talking with them about death.

First, do your best to be honest and to create an atmosphere of comfort. Answer questions to the best of your ability — and it's alright to say "I don't know." It's also an appropriate time to share your spiritual beliefs. Some parents worry about letting their kids see them cry, but allowing them to see your pain shows that it's a natural reaction to loss.

Because kids may have a hard time understanding the concept of death, it's best to explain it in their terms. Up to kindergarten or first grade, be very concrete. For example, Mary was hurt so bad that her body stopped working, and doctors couldn't fix her. Avoid using words like “lost” or “went to sleep.” This will provide expectations that the person can be found or will wake up — or, even worse, make a child fearful of going to sleep.

Between the ages of 6 and 10, kids begin to grasp the finality of death. They are more likely to have nightmares or feel fearful of their own mortality. Extra time together, hugs and listening, combined with simple explanations to questions, are the best approaches.

As kids mature into teens, they realize that every living thing eventually dies. They may also personalize a death more and be fearful of what could happen to them. It may be a good time to remind your teen about ways to stay safe, like never getting in a car with a driver who has been drinking.

As much as possible, encourage your child to participate in normal activities like sports and time with friends. If your child doesn't seem to rebound and find joy in a reasonable amount of time, it's a good idea to seek counseling. With teens, be on the lookout for unsafe coping methods, such as substance abuse, extreme withdrawal, fighting, or acting out.

As parents, we can't shield our kids from sadness or loss. But helping them learn to cope with it will build emotional resources they can rely on throughout life.

(c) 2012 by Patti Skelton-McGougan

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.