Finding the Flexibility of Family Routines

by guest blogger Lauren Leiker

parenting educator at Parenting Aware

As adults we tend to choose one or the other: relentless routine or freeing flexibility. We find great comfort in either knowing exactly how our day will move along, or in knowing that we can choose as we go. The truth is, however, that there is necessity in life for both routine and flexibility and our aim should be to understand where each belongs in our lives. Furthermore, as parents, we must aim to raise our children to understand the significance of each and the relationship between them. Routines provide great benefit to parents and to children. Also, practicing routines in the family setting is necessary for children to understand the benefit of routine and its place in their lives. They will apply this practice and understanding in adulthood. And, for parents, it is never too late to make positive changes in life! In the end, the true test of a healthy routine lies in the ability to comfortably stray from it on occasion.

Some routines you may have already adopted, or may want to consider:

· Bedtime

· Mealtimes

· Quiet time

· Getting ready in the morning

· After school activities and homework

· Chores

· Family meetings and activities

· Special parent/child time

Routines can be daily, weekly, or monthly. Routines with your 2-year-old will be different than they were when your child was an infant, but still, equally as important. As children get older and schedules grow busier, it is necessary to frequently re-evaluate your routines and adapt them to new family schedules. For example, during soccer season, Monday’s afternoon routine might have to be different than Tuesday’s, but every Monday should look and feel the same, if possible. When soccer season ends, you can re-evaluate the routine. Also, if you suddenly find you are not getting out of the house to work and school on time, it is likely time to alter the morning routine to better fit everyone’s needs. Older children can and should be a part of this process.

Benefits of routine for children:

· Children who have normal daily routines are better able to deal with stressful events, such as a new sibling, a divorce, a move, or the illness or death of a loved one

· Routines teach healthy habits like exercise, washing hands, brushing teeth

· An organized and predictable family environment contributes to a child’s sense of security

· Routines teach basic work skills and time management

· Routines teach the significance of relationships and responsibilities.

Benefits of routine for parents:

· Organization and predictability lowers stress

· Routines help you complete your daily tasks more efficiently

· Consistency in routine reduces time spent nagging and “directing” your children

· Routine leaves time for self care!

· Regular and consistent routines help you to focus on the positive and contribute to your sense of being a well-parenting

Some routines involve holidays or special time with loved ones. Because these routines tend to carry more value and sentiment than the mundane tasks like brushing teeth or putting away laundry, they are defined more appropriately as rituals. Rituals, too, are an important part of a child’s life because they teach the significance of family history, tradition, and relationships.

Routines provide great benefits to families. Having routine schedules defines the routine expectations and responsibilities parents want to teach their children. Understanding these expectations and responsibilities clarifies the family’s value system. Involving children in re-evaluating the routines as they get older breeds trust and respect and communication. The positive family relationships that are created by consistent and healthy routines allow for flexibility. As children get older, they can be given the flexibility required by adolescence. Families can enjoy a spontaneous outing. A low-stress family environment makes it easier to re-calculate when a day doesn’t go routinely. In the end, the true test of a healthy routine lies in the ability to comfortably stray from it on occasion.

(c) 2012 by Lauren Leiker

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

The Science of Successful Parenting . . . Regardless of What Culture You Live In

by guest blogger Nita Talwar

parenting educator at Peak Experience Parenting

So whom are you going to listen to for parenting advice? Will you follow Amy Chua’s disciplined approach that we all witnessed through her book “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother?” Will you follow Pamela Druckerman’s approach on how a child fits into the parent’s life from her book “Bringing Up Bebe?” Will you absorb the global practices described in Mei-Ling Hopgood’s “How Eskimos Keep Their Babies Warm?”

I have lived in Asia and in Europe with my young children and have personally witnessed the Asian and European approach to parenting. Both are interesting and have benefits. Why do we look to culture to give us parenting tips? We all share a common human nature and we are, in general, social beings. Culture gives us the framework of how to be a good member of a group. Culture is an important aspect of each an every one of us. Is the way one culture raises a child superior to another culture? I don’t believe so. Having had the global experience as well as being a first generation Asian brought up in the United States, I feel that the best approach for parenting advice may be turning to brain science. Science allows us to form a solid foundation while culture adds a beautiful layer that allows us to feel connected to others and the reality we each live in.

There is so much research in regards to brain development and growing children. How can we disregard how science plays into the role of raising children?

Science tells us that the brain’s number one function is survival. In order for our children to learn and grow, we must surround them with safe environments. Ask yourself, are we doing this? Are our homes, schools, parks and other environments safe? Are our children exposed to yelling, unsafe conditions where they may get hurt, domestic violence, or worse? The first thing we must do in raising children is to ensure their environments are safe so that the brain can let go of its preoccupation for survival.

Once we do this, we can create an optimal environment for learning. This includes allowing our children to explore indoors and also in nature, allowing for creativity, as well as teaching and modeling good verbal and non-verbal communication skills.

Teaching self-regulation is also important and may be the greatest predictor of academic and social success for your child. Self-regulation is a person’s ability to regulate one’s thinking, emotions, and behavior.

How do you regulate your own thinking?

1. Allow children down time so they can reflect and listen to their self-talk. Are you always hovering around your children or do you allow them time and space to be on their own, focus, and think?

2. Allow our children to make choices, within a safe environment?

3. No two brains develop at the same rate. We must be careful that we do not put extreme expectations on our children. Extreme will be different for each child depending on development and age. The concern is not to put ‘stress’ on the brain so that it goes back to focusing only on survival.

4. Depending on the age and development of your child, you can create a balance of self-directed time and parent-guided time.

How do you regulate your own emotions?

1. Well, first, we need to model it ourselves. What emotions are we comfortable with having and expressing? What emotions are we not comfortable with and may cause us stress? Let’s acknowledge where we are and then determine what we want to change so that we can model intentionally for our children.

2. How familiar are you with your child’s emotional landscape? According to science, there is a 1 in 5 chance you will have a child that is anxious or irritable. If you observe what is happening with your children, you may find an opportunity to step in before the emotion becomes overwhelming to the child.

3. Let’s acknowledge the importance of face time, not screen time. Children are trying to read the emotion behind your facial expression. The brain wants to make sense of what it sees. Thus allowing it to recognize the emotion in others and at other times. Screens do not allow for this interaction. Children need interaction with adults to be able to improve non-verbal communication.

4. Furthermore, let’s acknowledge that emotions are what make us human. There are no good emotions or bad emotions. Emotions do not make us weak or strong. We cannot control the emotion we feel, but we can control the behavior.

How do you regulate behavior?

1. We need to be firm in our discipline. Involving a child in rule making is empowering to the child and he or she will more likely follow the rule.

2. We should make sure rules are delivered in a warm, safe environment. The child should know that the parent loves the child and the child’s behavior is what needs to be changed.

3. Let us also offer praise for following the rules and also the absence of undesirable behavior. If your child was quiet in a restaurant and did not yell, let them know that was appreciated.

How do we do this? Well, first, we as parents must take care of ourselves so that we can parent well. Have you reflected upon your own life? Are there aspects of your life that energize you? Do you need to incorporate more of these energizing qualities into your life? Are there aspects of your life that drain you? What can you do about changing them? If you want to parent well, take care of yourself. Not only will you be happy, you will enjoy your parenting journey.

To be happy and to enjoy my children, that is a dream come true.

Regardless of what culture you grew up in and regardless of what culture you are raising your children in, creating an environment of safety and then creating an optimal environment for learning can happen anywhere. Thus, we build a strong foundation that can flourish in any culture.

If you consider parenting tips from the lens of brain development, what will be your next step along the parenting journey?

(c) 2012 by Nita Talwar

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Buddy Up for ADD and ADHD Success

by guest blogger Margit Crane

parenting coach at Gifted with ADD

The reason I’m a coach is because I want to pay it forward. When I was first diagnosed with ADD, I was blessed to have someone in my life who could teach me how to interact in the world at large. I knew how to function in school. For me, school was easy. It was before and after and between school days that confused, frustrated, and even frightened me.

Social rules seemed so intricate and tangled

I didn’t know how to interact with people. Who’s in charge? Who talks first? Then what? Do I have to say “You’re welcome” and “Excuse me” because those make me sound weak. If I don’t say what’s on my mind, am I lying? If not, why not? Why can’t I play with Laurie? Doesn’t she like me anymore? Is Matt moving because I said something wrong? Why are you crying, Daddy? Am I bad?

How coaching helped

Coaching – having a mentor and guide to come alongside me and untangle the world for me – was so invaluable that it wouldn’t occur to me to embark on a major endeavor (like parenting or starting a new business or living day-to-day with ADD) without having that easy support and helpful challenging.

There’s no honor or glory in NOT asking for help.

If you have a child with ADD or if you have ADD yourself, you need a buddy. In some situations it will be a teacher, in some a friend, in others a coach. It might even be a relative. Don’t try to do ADD alone. For a person with ADD, the glory is in asking for guidance and support. And I do mean glory – there is nothing so wonderful as a person who accepts you as you are and loves you for every wonderful bit of oddness there is.

Whether your issue is friendships or parenting or sibling relationships or executive functions – you don’t have to go through it alone.

“Find a teacher, get a friend, and judge everyone favorably”

(Pirkei Avot 1:6)

(c) 2012, Margit Crane

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Summer: Time for Fun, Learning and Free Play!

by guest blogger Shirin Sherkat

parenting educator at Create Happy Kids

“Free Play”—two of my favorite words in the English language, put together!

To a child, free play is so crucial, not because it in fact builds character and is necessary for social, cognitive and emotional development, but because it’s FUN!

What is Free Play? It’s often described as good old-fashioned, unstructured playtime with no specific agenda. Kids get to use their imagination, creativity and just relax and have a good time.

Why is Free Play becoming dangerously rare?

Kids these days can be over-scheduled with after school classes, activities and structured routines even surrounding play. Most of these kids’ schedules are designed by good parents with great intentions, to help their kids succeed in the future.

How do you strike a healthy balance between structured routines (that are necessary for your child’s development and growth) and creating free play time (that is crucial for your kid’s emotional/social growth and happiness)?
Summer time provides you with less routine and structured time, naturally. While the kids are out of school and enjoying their Summer break, there are several things you can do as a parent to create a balance in their schedule.

Life isn’t just about schedules

In addition to your child’s structured activities such as: educational classes, camps, sport activities, play dates, and video games (limited to less than an hour per day)… use the following tips to create Free Play daily:

1. Make sure kids have unstructured free play time that doesn’t involve video games, daily.

2. Provide materials that foster creativity in the play area: such as arts and crafts. Sometimes, just empty boxes of different sizes can open a world of imagination!

3. Provide outside time, with activities and toys such as, finger painting, bubbles, gardening, bikes, balls, water play, etc…

4. Provide music and dress-up clothes. Some basic musical instruments that could be homemade can be a great addition too. Dress-up games can be so wonderful for pretend-play, which is significant for building social skills.

5. Structured games (such as, board games) can be fun and educational and very important to building social skills, however, it’s important that kids don’t spend their entire play time playing only board games. Again, it’s about: Balance.

6. When on vacation, explore new environments by taking walks and take a shoebox or a jar with you to collect leaves, flowers, rocks, shells, etc. with your kids. Encourage your kids to take photos.

Once you create an environment that is enticing to your kids, using some of the tips mentioned above, your kids usually take the lead and follow their imagination.

However, if at first, your kids aren’t sure how to engage and entertain themselves during Free Play, perhaps because they are not in the habit of having much unstructured time, you could make suggestions and invite them to try some of the activities you have provided.

If you find it necessary, take the lead and model some play using some of the material you have provided (such as, dress-up clothes or toys) then gradually step back and let the kids lead.

I hope that some of these tips help you provide more Free Play time, and create happy kids!!

(c) 2012, Shirin Sherkat, Psy.D.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.