Right Now the Answer is “No”

by guest blogger Jody McVittie

Executive Director at Sound Discipline

How many times have you had one of your children ask for something that he or she really wanted – and also really wanted the answer right away? If you’re like me, it felt like taking my brain and twisting it into a pretzel for a bit. Part of me wanted to say, “Yes, of course,” because it feels good to “grant wishes” and another part of me would be saying, “No, are you kidding?” Sleeping over two weekend nights? Driving home at 2 AM on New Years Eve? Buying one more stuffed animal? Or even another piece of chocolate cake? I also didn’t want to deal with begging or get in a power struggle about it before I really knew what I thought. I felt trapped. I wanted time.

What’s a parent to do? The amazing man I took parenting classes from, Bob Bradbury, often said, “If you don’t know what to do – don’t do anything.” That has turned out to be useful wisdom. What a radical idea! It is all right for parents to stop and think. I could give my brain a chance to straighten itself out. My children weren’t too happy with plain silence though. It worked better to connect and then think. One way to do that is to say something like, “I can tell that you really want _______. I’m not comfortable with that right now. So right now the answer is no. Let me think about it for a bit and I might change my mind.”

Then what happened? Well, it turns out that both of us had a bit more time to think. The second conversation always sounded more reasonable.

· I’m still not comfortable with you sleeping over two nights this weekend, but I know that you want to play with David – is there another way to do that?

· I’m not comfortable with you driving on New Years Eve – would Monica be willing to have you stay the night?

· I’m not willing to buy the stuffed animal for you. If you have enough money saved up though we can come back for it another day and you can bring your allowance.

· A second piece of chocolate cake eh? Hmm… it really is good isn’t it? You ate your dinner and are still hungry – I think we could make an exception for tonight.

Notice that there are no long explanations or justifications. You can’t really argue with “I’m not comfortable with….” It is simple, honest and straightforward. If it works for you, we’d love to hear your stories.

(c) 2011, Jody McVittie. All Rights Reserved.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Does My Child Have ADHD?

by guest blogger Patricia Nan Anderson

consultant and trainer at PatriciaNanAnderson.com

If you think your child might have ADHD or ADD, the first questions to ask are “why do you think so?” and “what else could cause that?” Let’s take a closer look.

ADHD – Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder – and ADD – Attention Deficit Disorder – are caused by a brain difference. The brains of kids with these two conditions are wired differently than the brains of other kids. Kids with ADHD and ADD have trouble paying attention and maybe have trouble controlling their actions in every situation just about all the time. These differences are hereditary, so if a parent has these conditions the children in the family might too.

So if one parent or the other has been diagnosed with ADHD or ADD and a child has difficulty with attention and control not only in school but at home as well, then, yes, the child might have ADHD or ADD too. Talking with your family doctor is the next step.

But sometimes children who have poor attention and poor impulse control don’t have ADHD or ADD at all. In fact, most kids with behavior problems do not have ADHD or ADD. They just have behavior problems. 

Telling the difference between children with ADHD or ADD and children who just behave badly is not always easy. But, luckily, addressing the behavior problems themselves helps both sorts of kids – those with and those without ADHD or ADD. 

Here’s where to start:

• Cut way down on electronic media of all sorts. Strictly limit (to only an hour per day – can you do it?) television viewing, DVDs, video games, computer games, computer surfing, handheld game players and any other electronic media I might have forgotten to list. Not an hour each: an hour total. There is a clear link between overuse of electronics and bad behavior. Cut that link in your house.
• Increase physical exercise. Get kids out of the house and onto the playground for at least an hour every day – over and above whatever your child gets in physical education class or recess at school. Tired kids are healthier and calmer. Tire your kids out!
• Feed your kids right. Nutrition is a zero-sum game: the more junk food the less room there is in a child’s tummy for good food. And while sugar may not “cause” bad behavior, poor nutrition does. Eliminate junk food from your fridge and pantry.
• Get your kids to bed on time. Tired children act badly. You knew this but have you connected the dots between your own child’s lights-out time and her behavior? And there’s not a TV in your child’s room, is there? Get it out of there!
• Teach your children how to behave. If you’re getting bad behavior, that means your kids don’t know what you expect. Punishment and yelling aren’t effective here. Instead, teach what you want your kids to do. At a time when behavior is not an issue, discuss one scenario where you’d like see a change.  Let’s say your child acts up in the car. Sometime when you’re not in the car, talk about car behavior. Remind your child of good car behavior just before the next car ride. Pull over the moment you get bad behavior. Drive only when the bad behavior stops. At the end of the ride, discuss again: how does the child think he did? What could he do differently next time? Teach. Kids aren’t born knowing.

If just reading this short and simple list makes you tired, then you need to get serious. Good behavior, including paying attention and controlling impulses, is a key part of doing well in school and in life. Whether your child has ADHD, ADD, or is just too frisky for her own good, it’s your job as a parent to guide her in the way to behave. Make no excuses. Your child can do better. Help get her there.

(c) 2011, Patricia Nan Anderson. All Rights Reserved.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

The Basics of Newborn Sleep

by guest blogger Rebecca Michi

Parenting Consultant at RebeccaMichi.com

As a children’s sleep specialist newborn sleep is something I am asked about many times and though I help parents sleep train their children (up to 6 year olds), I don’t advise sleep training a newborn. The first three months really are the fourth trimester and I advise do whatever you can do to get as much sleep as you can!

Having said that, there is quite a bit we can be doing to encourage wonderful sleep habits. I’m going to outline for you my favorite sleep tips for newborns, these will give you confidence that you are doing all you can to get as much sleep as you all can whilst also setting up some great sleep associations for your infant.

Okay, let’s get started.

Set up a great sleep environment. Keeping the sleeping environment between 65 and 70 degrees is enough for your infant. We don’t want them becoming too hot or too cold. A great way to see if your infant is too hot or cold is to feel their chest. Often their little hands and their head can feel very cool, so check their chest to get a real idea of if they’re hot or cold.

Swaddle your infant. Infants are born with a startle reflex, as they go through different stages of the sleep cycle they can startle and wake themselves up! They are less likely to wake themselves if they are swaddled. Swaddling can also be very calming and relaxing for your infant. They have spent 9 months snuggled up in utero, suddenly having arms and arm which can freely move (remember your infant won’t have any control over their limbs) can be scary, uncomfortable and bother them. Swaddling is also a great way to calm a crying baby.

If you are trying to get your infant into its own sleep space, either a bassinet or crib but you find that they would rather be held this could be a bit of a problem. I do suggest holding them as much as you can, but sometimes you need to get yourself something to eat or you need to jump in the shower. Try wearing the crib sheet! Pop the sheet under your shirt for an hour or two or even place it under the covers of your bed. When you try to put your child down in the bassinet or crib it will smell of you. Having that secure smell will make them more comfortable staying away from you. You can also try wearing your infant in a carrier (don’t do this if you’re going in the shower!); you can still get things done whilst holding your baby.

Don’t worry too much about nursing/feeding your infant to sleep; they’re so young it’s fine to do. Don’t think that it is the only way you can get them to sleep. Every day try putting them down to sleep drowsy but awake. You never know they may be able to get themselves to sleep. Don’t worry if they can’t do it themselves, pick them up and maybe rock them to sleep (did you know rocking side to side is more relaxing than back to front?), when they have gone to sleep pop them back into the crib. Keep your hands on them for a little while just incase you need to pat them or give a little reassuring rub. 

It takes 20 minutes for an infant to fall into a deep sleep, if you rush off as soon as you’ve popped your infant into the crib and you keep having to go back to help them get back to sleep (this becomes very frustrating) just wait in their room until they are in a deep sleep. They’ll fall into a deep sleep quicker if you are there to help them sooner and it is less frustrating for you.

Don’t worry about setting up ‘bad’ sleep habits and associations with your infant. You really must do whatever you need to do to get you all as much sleep as you can get.

(c) 2011, Rebecca Michi. All Rights Reserved.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Got Mom Vibe?

by guest blogger Kim Estes

helping kids stay safe at Savvy Parents Safe Kids

Mom Vibe--we all have it. It is that instinctual feeling we may get when we are around certain people and places.  Sometimes you get a positive Mom Vibe about something. Other times, not.

Many Moms go happily along with a good Mom Vibe (ohhh, it just felt like the right time to buy that purse!) but sadly the Not So Good Mom Vibes don’t get the same reception. In fact, most adults ignore those inner “uh-oh” feelings they get when faced with an iffy situation. So what should you do when your inner Mom Vibe is sending you red-flags, giving you the heebie-jeebies or just a subtle feeling that something “just is not right”? 

Listen to it.

Law enforcement will tell you, if something does not feel “right” it probably isn’t. Go with that gut feeling!

With hyped up media stories about predators and abductions, parents are left scared and often too afraid to talk to their kids about personal safety.  Parents often don’t know how or when to talk to their kids about personal safety! Yet, one of the easiest personal safety strategies is to listen to your gut, your instinct, your “uh-oh” feeling, your Mom-vibe and to teach your kids how to listen to theirs.

Teaching your kids about personal safety is easier than you think and you don’t have to use scare tactics to do it!

Easy (non-scary) ways to start talking to your family about personal safety:

Help your kids identify their “uh-oh” feeling by talking about it! Just as you might say to your child “You look angry” or “You are so silly today!” you can also label the “Oh-oh” feeling. An example might be “You seemed nervous around that dog today. Did you have the uh-oh feeling about petting it? I know I did.” Helping your kids identify their “oh-oh” feeling and letting them know that other people get the uh-oh feeling too helps them to learn to identify the Uh-Oh feeling and respond to it. Let them know that if they get the Uh-Oh” feeling, they need to find their safe adult and talk about it.

Support them. When a normally chatty and socially outgoing child is suddenly apprehensive and clinging to your leg when they are in the presence of a particular person, do not force them to be affectionate or social. Your child may be picking up on a cue that you are missing.

Advocate for your child.  If your inner Mom Vibe is sending out a warning signal to you, listen to it. If that person sitting at the park, the new camp counselor, or the idea of allowing your child to play at a particular persons house, is suddenly setting off your mom Vibe alarm, pay attention to it. Don’t send your kid off to play at someone’s house or leave them in someone cares if something does not “feel right.”

Listening to your inner mom-vibe is not always convenient, and certainly can be awkward. Learning to listen to your inner Mom-Vibe is important, so don’t ignore it! 

(c) 2011, Kim Estes. All Rights Reserved.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.