Celebrate Dads!

by guest blogger Tim Ryan

fathering consultant at Ryan Educational Resources

When we think of celebration, we often think of big parties with lots of decorations and people singing, dancing and having fun. This is a wonderful thing to share in our homes and communities, a special part of our lives.

Often these are one time per year; birthdays, Valentines, St. Patrick’s Day, Fiestas Patrias etc. and we honor those who celebrate these holidays. I like to think that we can celebrate each other and honor one another throughout the year at all times with the recognition that we are all special- ALL THE TIME!

 In my work with dads, I try to make a conscious effort to realize and celebrate their important role in many ways and consistently through the year. Not just around Fathers Day. Many men are not fathers themselves, as we see in our programs, and we need to encourage and support the role they play in children’s lives. What a wonderful feeling it is to be a part of a child’s life in a positive way.

We want to thank all those who help to raise our children, ourselves included, and to celebrate at all times the special relationships we form with each other. I’d like to recommend a wonderful children’s book by Mem Fox called Whoever You Are. It captures the diversity of our world and is a must for your home and classroom.

Celebrate each other every day!

(c) 2011, Tim Ryan. All rights reserved.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.



Bossing Your Kids Versus Leading Them

by guest blogger Kathy Slattengren

parent coach at www.pricelessparenting.com

Do you liked to be bossed around? Probably not! How does the thought of being managed by someone else make you feel? Irritated? Angry? Rebellious? If you’re like most, you react negatively to someone trying to boss or control you.

Your children are no different. They also do not like when you try to control their behavior. You can test this out by watching their reaction to commands like “Hurry up!”, “Stop fighting!” or “Quit your whining.”

The role of a parent is similar to being a boss, manager or leader. If you shy away from being the boss in your family and try instead to be your children’s friend, that leaves your family without the strong leadership it really needs.

Considering the Characteristics of Your Favorite Boss

I was recently at a conference where the audience was asked to think about their favorite boss or manager. The presenter then asked what qualities made this person such a good boss.

These are some of the important characteristics mentioned:

• Empathetic
• Honest
• Generous
• Passionate
• Consistent
• Fun
• Dynamic
• Positive attitude
• Inspirational
• Compassionate
• Trustworthy
• Sense of humor
• Fully present

The qualities of an excellent boss apply equally to parents. By developing these traits, you can become the admired leader in your family!

Becoming an Admired Leader Instead of a Despised Boss

If you’re a parent with children at home, then you are the leader. It’s up to you to be in charge of providing for the family, making the major decisions in the family and setting firm limits for your children. Families become dysfunctional when parents abandon their leadership role.

David recently told me in exasperation about how his 13-year-old son does “whatever he damn well pleases”. He sadly explained that he knew his son need stronger boundaries but was at a loss as to how effectively to influence his son’s behavior.

For example, his son recently came home two hours later than expected. Although he yelled at his son, the next day his son was late again. While yelling in anger is a natural response, it doesn’t match the characteristics of an excellent leader. What else could David have done?

He could have approached his son with honesty and empathy while also working towards a consistent solution. David might have explained, “I was really worried when you didn’t come home on time. I understand you were having fun and lost track of the time. How do you think we can change things so this doesn’t happen again?” Involving his son in figuring out the solution will increase the likelihood of his son sticking to their agreement.

Establishing Yourself as the Leader

It is certainly easier to influence a teen’s behavior if you’ve established yourself as the loving authority figure when the child was much younger. For example, if you tell a 3-year-old you will be leaving a friend’s house in 5 minutes and then when the time is up he puts up a fit, you can simply pick him up and take him home. If you tell a 13-year-old he needs to be home from a friend’s house in 5 minutes and he doesn’t want to leave, carrying him out isn’t an option!

Being able to consistently set limits is a fundamental skill you need to have as a parent. Your children will help you develop this skill by continually testing for where the limits are located!

Being Trustworthy

Another quality of exceptional leaders is being trustworthy. As a parent you gain your children’s trust when they know you will do what you say you will do. When you keep your promises, your children can count on you.

For example, if you’re at a pool and promise to catch your child if she goes down the slide, then be sure to catch her! One 50-year-old woman still gets angry telling about how her dad told her he would catch her and then didn’t.

Likewise, if you tell your child that you will be leaving the park if he throws rocks and he decides to throw rocks, you need to leave. By following through with consequences, your kids learn to trust your words.

Developing Your Leadership Qualities

Developing leadership qualities is a lifelong process. Think about the characteristics of your favorite leaders and decide which one you would most like to work on. The more you develop your leadership skills, the stronger your family will become.

(c) 2011, Kathy Slattengren. All rights reserved.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Is Your Teenager Lying To You?

by guest blogger Patricia Nan Anderson, Ed. D.

parent development specialist at www.patricianananderson.com

Is your teenager lying to you? Probably.

Think back: when you were a teen, did you ever lie to your parents or shade the truth in a way your parents would think was lying if they had known the whole story? Did you ever tell a portion of the truth, but not the whole truth? Have you done such things even as an adult? Even as recently as last week?

Studies have shown that 98% of American adults lie, meaning they don’t tell the whole truth all the time but edit the facts to protect themselves or to protect the person they’re lying to. A current insurance ad shows a fictive Abe Lincoln failing to lie to his wife at a moment when most of us would believe the kindest act would be to tell an untruth.

In the instances when a lie protects ourselves, not the listener, we may be forgiven for wanting to stay out of trouble. Guilt and shame are uncomfortable emotions most of us want to avoid. When guilt is accompanied by a punishment, we want to avoid admitting guilt even more. So lying is a natural reaction to wanting to avoid punishment and feeling guilty and ashamed, as well as a way to avoid worrying or hurting the people we love. For children and teens, whose sense of integrity is still under development but whose sense of self-preservation is working just fine, lying seems like the logical course much of the time.

So is your teenager lying to you? Most likely, yes. The main question is what should you do about it?

First, never try to trap your child in a lie. If you know the truth or have a good suspicion, then don’t ask about the incident and provide an opportunity to lie. Instead, say what you know: “I see the bumper on the car is dented. Tell me about that.” This will get you more information than asking, “Did you dent the bumper?”

Second, never penalize the truth. This is a hard one, but it’s essential. When your child says, “Yes, I backed into a fence post when we took the car off-roading last night after Tommy gave us some beer,” you will be sorely challenged. But if you punish your child for telling the truth, you’ll never hear the truth again. So  after a stunned silence you will simply say, “Thanks for telling me. How do you plan to fix the bumper?” Later, you will talk about taking the car off-road and about Tommy and beer. But you will not punish your child for telling you the truth.

Third, model what you want to see. Tell your child the truth when she asks and if you can’t tell the truth about something, tell her that you can’t. But don’t lie. Demonstrate what integrity looks like. Telling the truth about anything is a leap of faith. Let your kids know that you can be trusted with the secrets they might want to keep to themselves.

(c) 2011, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.