Thoughts On Washington Parenting

Creating Space

2012-03-07T01:03:00.006-08:00

by guest blogger Casey O'Roarty

parent educator at Monroe Family YMCA

My son loves his "guys." He had little Star Wars guys and big G.I Joe guys. He loves them especially when he can take their clothes on and off, and change their outfits. It is often frustrating because his little six-year-old fingers have a hard time pulling those pants off and getting them back on again... Many times, a limb, or a hand, or a foot will come off with the clothes. I know when it happens because the howl I hear from my son is a special one he uses only in these moments...

I curse the companies that make these dolls when I hear Ian's cry... I know that they are just crappy made-in-China toys with no chance against the strength of a child, but Ian is crushed every time one of these guys loses a body part. He believes his guy is "ruined." I spend time trying to convince him that there are solutions - "Daddy can fix it, maybe some hot glue?"

"Nooooo!!!! He won't be the same!!!! He's ruined!!!"

It really is painful. Enter the Justin Bieber doll.

Ian used his own money to buy this guy off the Internet. He came with a small skateboard, a microphone and an outfit. Poke him in the belly button and he sings a song... Ian loves Justin Bieber and he loves guys, so you can only imagine how he felt when this fella showed up in the mail!

Fast forward to today. I was putting something away in Rowan's room, and Ian was playing with his guys in his room. All of a sudden I heard it. The howl. Almost animal like. I knew what happened before I saw it. J-Bieb lost a limb... Right at the knee, his leg had snapped.

Oh no, I thought to myself, here we go... I looked at Ian. I watched the crocodile tears pouring out of his eyes. Then, I did something different. Instead of offering up a bunch of suggestions, reasons why it wasn't as bad as he thought, I hugged him. I held him close to me and kept my mouth closed.

"What can we do, mom?" He asked as he pulled away.

"I'm not sure babe...” I said. Then I held out my arms again and he came in for some more love and sympathy. I held on to him and let him have his disappointment, his sadness...

The next time he pulled away he looked up and said, with a teary voice, "Maybe we could tape it? Then it could be like he has a cast? We could use electrical tape..."

"Okay," I replied, "Let's give it a try."

Ian found the tape and I went to work. I wrapped and wrapped and wrapped that sucker up. The top of his leg down to his foot is wrapped in black electrical tape. I used enough in the middle so that it is actually pretty solid. When I was done Ian smiled, and took him back into his room. He is now fully clothed and you can't even tell he has an injury...

We talk a lot about encouragement in Positive Discipline, often in comparison to praise. Parents who take my classes practice descriptive encouragement - I noticed that you cleaned your room, appreciative encouragement - thank you for helping with the dishes, it made my morning a lot easier, and empowering encouragement - I love you and have faith that you can solve your problem. Parents are challenged to look for times throughout the day to offer up encouragement to their children.

My friend and mentor, Jody McVittie, has taught me a new way of thinking about encouragement. She defines the root word, courage, as the motion we take in the direction of becoming our best selves. I love this idea... We are courageous when we take action in the direction of being our best selves.

So, she goes on to say, if courage is motion toward becoming our best self, ENCOURAGEMENT is the space we make for another human being to take that step into their best self.

Let me say that again, encouragement is the space we make for another human being to take that step into their best self. This is so different than knowing what to say when our child has done something well - this is a way of being with our children.

Today, when JB's leg snapped, I could have rushed over, anxious to make Ian "feel better" - instead I created space for him to be his best self. In this space, he was allowed his feelings, his disappointment was recognized. And because I kept my mouth shut, he had the space to come up with a solution, one he valued because it was his own.

I use lots of parenting tools throughout my days. I listen without fixing, I use curiosity questions, I take time for training, but it is this new idea of encouragement that is rocking my parenting world. Thinking about creating the space for my children to be their best selves really resonates with me. And it is really teaching my kids about their own worth and capabilities.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Never Underestimate the Importance of Family Mealtime

2012-02-28T20:01:00.003-08:00

by guest blogger Nita Talwar

Certified Parent Coach at Peak Experience Parenting

Imagine, if you will, a family sitting down together for a dinner, which allows for open conver

sation and a sharing of stories. Add to this the aromas and tastes of an excellent meal. The thought of it appeals to my all senses.

It has been a dream of mine to have consistent, regular family dinners together. As my children grow older, I feel the desire for this even more.

As we entered 2012, I really asked myself why my dream has not happened. There are so many reasons. When my children were younger both my husband and I worked and we were doing everything we could to just hold it together. Then, I stopped working and my husband took on additional responsibilities to keep the family afloat. My husband then worked longer hours and did not always make it home to eat with us. Then, I decided to go back to school. This required more juggling to keep things running smoothly.

Now, my children are 8 and 12 years old, I work part-time, and my husband has a job that he enjoys and allows him more work-life balance. Family dinners now actually seem possible. But it wasn’t easy.

My children have after-school activities and their sports’ schedules can go until 8:30PM on some evenings. At these times, they wanted to eat dinner earlier. And it turned out there were days when my husband had to work late. My evenings also start to fill up once or twice a week. We were all so busy, I thought that I should just let go of my desire for family dinners.

I am a Parent Coaching Institute-certified coach, and help parents with challenges they have with their children. I also teach them how to take care of themselves so that they can parent well and help them enjoy their parenting journey. I always discuss perspective with my clients and provide exercises on how to change perspective. One day, it suddenly dawned on me: I needed to do this myself.

I sat down and thought about why I wanted a family dinner. Why was it so important? The answers I came up with included having a ‘pause’ in the day to reconnect with loved ones, creating a special time to share stories, feeling reminiscent of my childhood and sitting around the table with my parents and brother, and providing a time and space for open conversation over some good food.

There is something magical about a shared meal. Once I became focused and clear on why I wanted family dinners, I also thought about other opportunities and times that I may foster this connectedness and open conversation.

I, then, turned to ‘observation’ mode. This is also something I ask my clients to do. If your attention is there and you are focusing on something, look for it in your life. It will present itself.

For my family and I the opportunity presented itself at breakfast. We now sit together almost every morning and have ‘family breakfast’ together. Everyone is awake and engaged. We are able to discuss what is happening that day. The kids bring up things that they have been thinking about and my husband joins in the conversation adding what is happening at work for him as well.

I received an additional gift in allowing breakfast to be the family meal. We actually eat hot, healthy meals now instead of gulping down a glass of milk and grabbing something portable in our hands. My entire family eats a hearty meal such as steel-cut oatmeal with nuts and fruits in it. They have a glass of milk and take their vitamins.

Feeding my family a healthy breakfast (the most important meal of the day) has also been deeply gratifying. One thing ‘family breakfast’ has done is increase my food preparation responsibilities very early in the morning. I get up a half-hour earlier than the rest of my family. I have my cherished cup of coffee and start making breakfast. Some days, I feel as if I am conducting an orchestra with multiple pots on the stove at once, cutting up fruit, and filling plates and bowls with aromatic, tasty food.

As I serve the food and sit down with my family, I feel that I am hearing the beautiful music from a symphony orchestra when, in fact, I am listening to the rich conversation happening between my family. On top of that, my children clear their own dishes and rinse them.

Another gift: My husband and children leave the house together and he drops them off at school. That equals more quality time for him with the kids.

Now ‘family breakfast’ is more than I ever could have dreamed of. I start each and every day feeling healthy, and most of all, connected to those I love. Now that I am living one dream, I wonder what dream will next become reality in its own, unique way.

Stay tuned.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Homework: The Other H-Word.

2012-02-21T18:27:00.008-08:00

by guest blogger Cesily M. Crowser

Parent Education Instructor

Imagine you have a project due one day at work. You walk in the office and you supervisor asks, “How’s that pr

oject coming?” You wander over to your desk and start to settle in. Next thing you know your co-worker has poked his head into your space “Do you need some help on that big project?” You start to walk to the bathroom and some one says “Are you almost done with that... it is due today, don’t forget.” You head to lunch and someone else asks “I see you’re headed out, did you finish that job already?”

Get the picture?

What would you be thinking and deciding about yourself, your supervisor and co-workers, and about getting this work done? Are these the decisions you want your child to be making about you?

When I decided to sit down and write this article I thought back to yesterday when my son came home from school. How many times do you think my son heard the word homework in the first hour or so he was home? Once when he came in the door....“How was your day? What homework do you have?” Again as he headed down the stairs....“Remember no screens before homework.” Next when he came into the kitchen to get a snack..... “Do you need help with any of your homework???” Then dad came home and started asking about it...As I looked back on those moments it reminded me of the story above and I started to wonder what all of these inquiries were doing to him or for him. Was he deciding that we thought he was incapable of doing his work with out reminders? Was he feeling frustrated by out constant reminders? Was he thinking that we were overly involved in his process?

Homework and how to get involved is a tricky situation for a lot of families. Especially as they make the leap from elementary school to middle school and parents have to find a new way to relate to this process. It is now your job to start backing away so your child can figure out what he/she needs to succeed. If parents continually insert themselves into their child’s homework process the child will not learn what skills they need in order to become successful at this. Instead they learn to turn to you. Homework is one of the great determiners of how far along a parent has come in their own parenting development. So how do parents support their child’s growth in this area without over stepping? It is a fine line. Here are some ideas.

1. Have a conversation with your child and ask him/her how you can best provide support. This time in the school year they have gotten far enough along to know in what areas they succeed and in what areas they could use some support. Ask them what they think they did well last term and what things they want to work on. Tell them what you noticed both positives and challenges. Then together come up with a plan.

2. Ask them to put their projects and due dates on the family calendar. This will prevent you from constantly asking about it. It will also serve as a reminder for them when things are coming up. Set the example and put your own deadlines, activities on there as well. Once this becomes a family thing it can become a powerful way for families to keep track of due dates and give subtle reminders, “I see you report is due next Monday. “

3. Decide together on a consistent homework time. Does it work for them to do it right when they get home? Do they need a break before they get started? We already know they like to have a say in their lives, this gives them a sense of control. If they have a say in it, they have a bigger buy in.

4. Check in and gauge frustration levels. Most parents know what the signs are when their child is overwhelmed by something. Catch the moments and see what it is that you can do to support them. Find that fine line between doing it for them and offering assistance. Remember at this point one of the best things you can do is to ask them questions until they discover the answer for themselves. You can also discuss with them where they could find answers. There are a variety of free and reputable homework help sites available online. Your student can just Google the question, but you want to make sure they understand the “why” behind the answer. Encourage them to talk to their teachers about things they find confusing or frustrating.

5. Empower then disengage. Instead of getting caught up in the struggle. Let them know you know they are capable and then give them space. Homework can become one of the places where you are constantly butting heads and eventually you find yourself exhausted and wondering why you care more than it appears they do. The most wonderful lesson a parent can learn is to empower your child “I know you can do this” and then leave the room and give them the space to succeed or learn from their own mistakes.

What about when things don’t go well, or grades start to fall? Try natural and reasonable consequences. Have preemptive conversations. Are there expectations around where grades will be in order to play sports, go to friends’ houses, and/or have screen times. Tell them why you have set these boundaries. Teach your children what to prioritize by showing them where academics fall in the grand scheme of things.

The tips above will help you take yourself out of the equation. What we want is for our children to become self-sufficient and to understand their own capabilities. We want them to develop their own strategies and to carry these strategies with them to the next step. Give them space to grow and they will amaze not just you -- but themselves.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Baby’s First Year: Motor Development

2012-02-15T02:04:00.000-08:00

by guest blogger Christine Roberts

founder of Nurturing Pathways, INC

A baby's delicate neural networks need exercise just as their body does. Budding neural tree limbs need the fertilizer of movement to stimulate the chemical release of proteins that build the brain. Movement that involves push and pull strengthens, stabilizes and organizes patterns of movement. In an economy of design, the very events taking place in the body are taking place in the brain. Just as the shoulders, hips, hands and feet are becoming strengthened, stabilized and organized, so are the neural networks.

Movement experiences carried out on the tummy fulfill the developmental patterns that contribute to a sound body and brain. Along with the enormous physical benefits of movement for visual development, eye hand coordination, developing the arches in the feet and hands, and one’s overall sense of self; physical activity and interactive play are the primary ingredients for sound neurological integration. Tummy time milestones include rolling, crawling, creeping and standing. Tummy time also aids in the achievement of cognitive milestones like speaking their first words, increased attention span, and school readiness.

Motor development is cultivated from the prone position. Think of it as ‘growing from the ground up.’ If parents and caregivers consciously limit the time babies spend in containers, especially during the early months prior to crawling, the baby will experience less stress on their tummy to play.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Helping Your Child With Grief: Some Children Need extra TLC

2012-02-07T18:14:00.000-08:00

by guest blogger Patti Skelton-McGougan

Executive Director of Youth Eastside Services

In the past couple of months, we've had some very public stories of death, including a Woodinville teacher and a Kirkland high school student. When death happens to someone close to us, the feelings can be difficult for children of any age to process, especially when violence is involved.

"How much children understand depends on their age and maturity level," explains Evan Kimble, one of the experienced grief counselors at Youth Eastside Services. "For example, a child who already has lost a family pet may more quickly assimilate what it means when a person dies."

No matter the age, experience or personality of your children, there are a few important truths to remember when talking with them about death.

First, do your best to be honest and to create an atmosphere of comfort. Answer questions to the best of your ability — and it's alright to say "I don't know." It's also an appropriate time to share your spiritual beliefs. Some parents worry about letting their kids see them cry, but allowing them to see your pain shows that it's a natural reaction to loss.

Because kids may have a hard time understanding the concept of death, it's best to explain it in their terms. Up to kindergarten or first grade, be very concrete. For example, Mary was hurt so bad that her body stopped working, and doctors couldn't fix her. Avoid using words like “lost” or “went to sleep.” This will provide expectations that the person can be found or will wake up — or, even worse, make a child fearful of going to sleep.

Between the ages of 6 and 10, kids begin to grasp the finality of death. They are more likely to have nightmares or feel fearful of their own mortality. Extra time together, hugs and listening, combined with simple explanations to questions, are the best approaches.

As kids mature into teens, they realize that every living thing eventually dies. They may also personalize a death more and be fearful of what could happen to them. It may be a good time to remind your teen about ways to stay safe, like never getting in a car with a driver who has been drinking.

As much as possible, encourage your child to participate in normal activities like sports and time with friends. If your child doesn't seem to rebound and find joy in a reasonable amount of time, it's a good idea to seek counseling. With teens, be on the lookout for unsafe coping methods, such as substance abuse, extreme withdrawal, fighting, or acting out.

As parents, we can't shield our kids from sadness or loss. But helping them learn to cope with it will build emotional resources they can rely on throughout life.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Is Your Child A Leader Or A Bully?

2012-01-31T19:52:00.000-08:00

by guest blogger Dr. Shirin Sherkat

parenting educator at Create Happy Kids

Do you want to create a leader in your kid, not a bully?

Then make sure that your kids are skilled in:

Coping with change

Asserting themselves

Having empathy

Can your child cope with change?

Coping with change means your kids are learning how to manage stress due to transition, change or crises. Where do they learn such coping skills? From watching you of course.

Allow them to vent.

Give them the words to express their frustration and anger.

Teach them that it is OK to feel angry.Model stress management techniques such as, deep breathing.

Is your child assertive?
It is essential for a child to learn to assert themselves so they can communicate well enough to get their needs met & learn to stand up for their rights.

When you learn to take your kid’s point of view and respect it, you teach your child how to take another’s point of view into consideration.

They learn to respect others’ rights and perspective.

When you give positive feedback and praise for good choices, you teach your child to appreciate other’s behavior as well.

When you empower your kids to make better choices, you create a responsible individual.

Empathy can be taught

Every day you model and set an example for your kids for how to express empathy towards others in need, or respect others’ feelings.Daily routines are full of wonderful, teachable moments to help foster empathy in your kids.

Listen: Allow kids to talk about their feelings, and validate those feelings.Be patient. Be present. And just listen first. Offer validation later.

Label: From a very young ages kids can learn the correct label for body language and facial expressions.For example, you could say, “look sweetie, that little girl feels sad, look at her face.” Or “I can see that you feel scared.”

Model: Through practice, show your kids how different behaviors influence the way others feel.For example, during an outing to the grocery store, you may come across an opportunity to explain, “I saw how that lady felt very frustrated in the store, so I offered to help.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

What is Kinship Care?

2012-01-25T01:41:00.000-08:00

by guest blogger Kristie Lund

Coordinator/Group Facilitator at Relatives As Parents Project

Kinship care is the full time care, nurturing and protection of children by relatives, members of their tribes or clans, godparents, stepparents, or any adult who has a kinship bond with a child. This definition is designed to be inclusive and respectful of cultural values and ties of affection. It allows a child to grow to adulthood in a family environment. (Child Welfare League of America)

Who We Are:

Children

More than 6.7 million children across the country live in households maintained by grandparents or other relatives.
More than 4.8 million children live with grandparents, and about 1.9 million with other relatives like aunts or uncles.
About 2.5 million of these children have no parents present in the home according to Census data analysis conducted by Generations United partners.

Grandparents

About 2.5 million grandparents who live with their grandchildren report they are responsible for their own grandchildren.
About 1.8 million of these grandparents are married and about 750,000 were never married, are widowed or divorced.
About 950,000 of these grandparents are male. About 1.6 million of these grandparents are female.
About 830,000 of these grandparents are age 60 or older.
About 950,000 of these grandparents report that they have been responsible for the grandchildren for more than 5 years.

Kinship families are formed for different reasons – parental death, substance abuse, military deployment, incarceration, mental illness. As a result, families are in every area in the country, all income levels, all races, and all ethnicities.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau’s 2009 American Community Survey, an average of 1 in 10 school age children is being raised by a relative. (Generations United)

The following is a quote from my brochure for my support group:

“A relative raising their kin’s children is not a new idea. What is new is the support and information that is available to us. The commitment that we have made is not an easy one. We run into obstacles that the biological parents/foster parents do not face. We have huge emotional ups and downs that few understand. But the good news is we are not alone as we pursue our goals of offering love and guidance to these great kids.”

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Practice the Art of Listening

2012-01-18T00:20:00.000-08:00

by guest blogger Julietta Skoog

school psychologist at Seattle Public Schools

Listen

I am a talker by nature. I always have been. In high school I was on the debate team, in college I was the one hogging the hallway phone, and later in life I married a quiet, patient man whom I do not have to compete with to continue my babbling. You can imagine the shock when my daughter did not say a single word (not even mama!) until over 21 months old. My mother said it was because she couldn't get a word in edgewise. Fortunately this does not carry over into my day job. As a school psychologist, I spend my day listening to children tell me their good news, bad news, and hopes. I know how therapeutic it is to let them be heard, and encourage them to "tell me more." Then I go home and try to practice the art of listening with my own now chatty daughter. After all, if I am not listening to her, then how can I expect her to learn through my example? This simple Positive Discipline parenting tool can have profound effects, and is simply titled LISTEN:

Listen:
Children will listen to you AFTER they feel listened to.

1)Notice how often you interrupt, explain, defend your position, lecture or give a command when your child starts to talk to you.
2) Stop and just listen, it is okay to ask questions such as "Can you give me an example?? Is there anything else?"
3) When your child is finished, ask if he or she is willing to hear you.
4) After sharing, focus on a solution that works for both.

(c) 2012 by Julietta Skoog

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Sign of the Times: Cracking the Code of Parenting 101

2012-01-10T18:48:00.000-08:00

by guest blogger Nancy Hanauer

parent educator and founder of Hop to Signaroo

On a good day, you look into your baby's big, beautiful eyes and blissfully wonder, "What is going on in there?" On a not so good day, your little one is crying inconsolably and you helplessly wonder "What is going on in there?! What do you want?!"

Sound familiar? Perhaps it's time to join the legion of relieved parents who feel as if they've cracked the code of Parenting 101 by signing with their babies to greatly reduce frustration many months before speech is possible. What may seem like a recent trend has actually been a tool parents have been using for several decades, since the first books about baby sign language were written in the 1980's. Judging by the families embracing the movement with each new addition to the family, signing is here to stay!

Hearing families are enthusiastically and successfully using American Sign Language (ASL) with their hearing babies as a temporary bridge to communication many months before their babies are able to speak. First spoken words generally come at about 12 to 14 months of age. Based on vocal chord development and how happy the sounds of "Momma" and Dadda" make the big people, babies routinely repeat these first words and just a few others for several months before they can truly express their needs and wants with spoken language. While vocal chords are not fully formed until at least 16 months of age and babies aren't typically expressing very specific needs until closer to two years of age, babies do have the manual dexterity, memory, cognitive ability and linguistic understanding to express their needs and wants through sign language as early as five months of age! Little ones understand and want to express much more than they're able to verbalize.

Wondering how to start? Start with your baby's basic necessities such as "milk", "eat", "more", "diaper change" and move on from there, adding favorites such as "music", "pacifier" or "teddy bear". Model signs throughout the course of your normal routine as you feed your little one, change a diaper or go for a walk. Be sure to speak as you normally would, in complete sentences, and sign just the key words you want the baby to ultimately sign back to you, such as "milk", "change", "eat", etc.

Consistency is key. In the first month, model at least a dozen signs regularly so your little one won't simply use one sign for everything, which is typically what happens when only three or four signs are introduced at the start. The more signs you use consistently, the quicker your little genius will recognition the signs and then sign back, appropriately using the signs to tell you what he wants! With regular use of at least a dozen signs, most babies recognize the signs within the first few weeks and sign back within a few months. Families who enthusiastically embrace signing and take a baby sign language class often see results even faster.

Make signing fun! Add the signs to your daily routine but also sign when you read or sing to your baby and get all family members involved, so your little one is able to communicate with all primary caregivers and sees the signs modeled by everyone on a regular basis.

Will signing slow down my baby's speech? This is the most common concern and the answer is a resounding "No". When you sign with your hearing baby, you're addressing language before speech is possible. Speech is a natural reflex and all babies are born with the ability and desire to speak. Your baby hears an average of 4,500 words throughout the course of a day, so a normally developing hearing baby will never choose sign language over their natural inclination to speak. This would be like saying, "I won't let my baby crawl because he'll become too dependent on crawling and will never walk". Babies move through developmental stages using the skills they have at the time until they're developmentally able to move on, and sign language is just another one of those stepping stones - a highly effective stepping stone that helps take the guesswork out of parenting!

Choosing a program with American Sign Language vocabulary will ensure that the practice does not interfere with speech, as a few baby signing programs use created gestures, not true ASL signs. Some of these created gestures involve sniffing, panting and blowing and, yes, that will slow down speech. However, when you use ASL signs and model speech as you normally would, your little genius will sign, then sign and speak, and once she realizes her speech is completely intelligible, the signs will fall by the wayside. Remember, speech is a natural reflex in all babies and your baby's speech will likely benefit from the use of sign language. Many families report that their little ones were stringing two to three signs together by the time they were a year old and began speaking in two to three word sentences much earlier than their non-signing peers, once their vocal chords were fully formed. As an added bonus, many parents say the "Terrible Twos" weren't so terrible, because their little one didn't have two years of built up frustration from not being understood.

Wouldn't you like a household that's calmer for you and your baby? Don't you want to bond with your baby in a unique way that lays the foundation for positive communication that will last long beyond the toddler years? Then signing may be the answer, as early communication and reduced frustration are literally at your fingertips!

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Resolve to Connect with Your Children

2012-01-03T20:13:00.000-08:00

by guest blogger Debi Bailey

parenting educator at Conscious Parenting

As the new year rolls around it is customary to take stock of our lives and resolve to make changes to improve our lives.

One of the most important changes I have observed in families, is when parents resolve to spend more time with their children. When we are in the middle of parenting our children, it feels consuming and it feels like forever and seems like we have all the time in the world to be with our children. Often, getting a break from our children seems like it would be of more benefit than spending more time with them.

However, in all my years, I have never heard a parent say, retrospectively, “Gosh. I really regret how much time I spent with my kids when they were growing up.”

People are so busy these days many parents feel it is impossible to spend more time with their children. But it is the way we spend time with them that makes a difference. If you have a regular time that your child can count on to have you to themselves, their need for attention and connection gets met. As they learn that you are available to them and as you take time to be with them, it ultimately pays off. Your children get what they need and they tend to be less demanding.

Here are some ways to spend time with your kids:

Take some time each day (even just 15 min.) to actually get down on the floor and play with your child. Let them be in charge of the way you play. Follow their lead. “Meet them where they are at.” Interact and be present.
Turn off the TV one (or two) nights each week and play games or read books.
Bedtime is often a really good opportunity to spend with your child. After bath, jammies, brushing teeth, spend some time with each of them one-on-one. Talk about their day, read a book and snuggle with them, sing a song. Again, 10 – 15 min. of your time and attention can make all the difference.
If possible take just one child with you when you run errands or go to the store. Let them help you make decisions and pick out what you need.
Have your children cook with you. Have a regular night that they get to chose what to cook. Have them help with the planning, figuring out ingredients and shopping. Then be in the kitchen with you. You get one-on-one time and they learn to cook.

Teens:

Parents often feel like their teenagers don’t want to have anything to do with them. Actually, what they really want, is to know that we want to be around them.

Create a routine of spending time one-on-one with each of your teens. Make a regular date (Once a week, once every other week…) with them and keep it so that your teen knows they can depend on you. If possible, have this be time just for the two of you. This can be going out for pizza, or for “coffee”, or a walk in the park. Try to set aside several hours for the two of you to be alone together on a regular basis. This is just a time to be together and enjoy each other. It is not a time to have “the talk” you’ve been waiting to have or to solve problems etc.
Remember that quality time at this age sets the stage for regular communication. All you have to do is be there...and engage. Leave cell phones and i-pods at home.
After school is another great time to connect. I had a friend who shared with me that she would casually position herself at the table near the door, with a plate of cookies, when she was expecting the kids home from school. When her children came in, mom and cookies were the first thing they saw and would often sit down for cookies and chat with her about their day.

As a family consider a regular routine of things such as:

Family game night
Family popcorn and movie night
Family fun day

Make this the best New Year ever by resolving to add some time each day to connect with your kids in a way that will make a big difference in their lives and in your relationship with them.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Taking Care of Ourselves

2011-12-28T10:50:00.000-08:00

by guest blogger Jody McVittie

Executive Director at Sound Discipline

First I need to confess: I’m not very good at this myself. Like many of you I tend to “take care” of others before I begin to think about what I need or what requests I might make. So today I get to listen, once again as I talk about self-care – and see if this time I can say, “I can make a commitment to do what I need to do to make time for and take care of myself.” Will you join me?

What’s the deal? We’ve been here before – especially those of us who are of the female variety. We make promises – and keep the promises we make to others but we aren’t so great about the promises we make to ourselves. Here are some of my thoughts – and I welcome your comments or stories about this.

The power of culture: We are taught at a very young age (especially as girls) that we need to pay attention to and are responsible for how other people feel. It is our job to “take care” of others. No one sat us down and lectured to us or even consciously intended to teach this – but the messages surrounded us. We observed the adults in our lives. We responded to the subtle body language of approval or disapproval. Often we don’t recognize the power of cultural values unless we step outside them. Has one of your children had a tantrum in public? What kind of messages did you get?

Selfishness: Perhaps we are unable to make a distinction between being “self-centered” and “centered in our selves.” Do you hold the belief that, “If I do take care of myself I’m being inconsiderate of others?” This is natural given our culture. But it doesn’t make sense.

There is a reason that flight attendants ask you to put your own oxygen mask on first. If you don’t take care of yourself first – then you can’t take care of the ones you love.

Is it either/or? My sense is that we engage in either/or thinking about caring: EITHER I can care for myself OR I can care for my children. It is true that if we leave taking care of ourselves until the very last thing in the day it won’t happen. It becomes “them” not “me.” But there are other possibilities.

Imagine if… exercising or spending time with friends or reading or taking some quiet time were part of your routine at least several times a week. Would you feel better? Would your children (especially your girls) learn about self-care from your modeling? Would you feel less resentful about not having space for you? Would you have more reserve or “flip your lid” less often? Would it be easier for you to let your children learn how to “take care” of their own feelings and their own life (without abandoning them)? How would it feel to keep your promises to yourself? What do you want your children to learn from you about self-care?

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Teaching Children to Express Gratitude

2011-12-21T00:51:00.000-08:00

by guest blogger Kathy Slattengren

parenting educator at Priceless Parenting

We are responsible for teaching our children to say "please" and "thank you". This basic social skill is critical in showing respect for others. However, many older children have not fully developed this skill and it causes problems.

For example, one aunt explained how hard she worked to find neat gifts for her three nephews. When opening the gifts they would often say things like "I don't really like this." or "This isn't what I wanted." The aunt's feelings were definitely hurt by these remarks. The parents did not step in to help their sons learn that these types of responses were completely inappropriate.

At another holiday gathering children were wildly opening gifts without paying much attention to who the gift was from never mind actually thanking the person for the gift. The children threw aside each gift and anxiously started tearing the wrapping from the next gift. Again the parents failed to set up appropriate rules or expectations for the gift opening.

It's critical to teach our children how to politely handle situations involving gifts. It can be helpful for parents to sit down with their kids ahead of time and discuss the importance of showing their thankfulness. Discussing and practicing what to say under various situations can help prepare children to act graciously even when receiving a gift they really aren't excited about. It can also be helpful to agree on a gentle reminder signal, like a light touch on the ear, if children forget to say thanks.

Sometimes parents express appreciation for something their children have received instead of guiding their children to saying thank you. When parents do this, children do not learn that it is their responsibility to say thank you for things they've received. Children who do not learn to show these basic courtesies are often disrespectful in a number of other ways.

The holidays provide many opportunities for children to practice expressing their appreciation. This holiday season give your children the gift of learning to express their gratitude!

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Do Your Kids Understand the Holiday Spirit?

2011-12-13T18:32:00.000-08:00

by guest blogger Dr. Shirin Sherkat

parent educator at Create Happy Kids

You can share the spirit of the holidays with your kids!

This is a magical time of year. It doesn’t have to be all about spending money you don’t have, getting stressed and over-scheduling your family.

Your family traditions can embrace the spirit of the season and focus on:

• Giving to others who are less fortunate

• Spending quality (fun) time with family and friends

• Being grateful for what we have and not just focus on “wants”

5 easy ways to share the spirit and involve your kids:

1. Volunteer at your local food bank, soup kitchen, church, or community center with your kids.

2. Organize a family donation box and together, fill it with blankets, toys, jackets and other items that your family doesn’t need, then donate it together (as a family) to a center near you.

3. In addition to asking your kids to make a list of things they want from Santa, make this a family project one night. Make a list of all the things your family is grateful for this holiday! Have younger kids list all the things they have (that they should appreciate) and you write the list for them.

4. Encourage your family (and friends) to consider homemade gifts too, not just store-bought toys, for your kids.

5. For the “12 Nights of Christmas,” instead of focusing on getting something, teach kids to give, create or share something. For example, a family craft night, or a game night, or an evening volunteering at the local soup kitchen, or a movie night with family at home.

A Great Goal!

The goal is to create grateful and caring kids who grow up to be happy, and have a sense of responsibility and true appreciation for the spirit of this beautiful holiday season!

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Holiday Rituals-Old Ones? New Ones?

2011-12-07T00:51:00.000-08:00

by guest blogger Jody McVittie

Executive Director at Sound Discipline

Our community is made up of all sorts of different kinds of families from many different cultures and traditi

ons. There are lots of holidays and special events in this season when the nights are longer and the days are shorter. Your family may have special traditions or rituals that you and your children enjoy – or not! 

Rituals are like seasonal routines. They can offer structure and security in times of increased chaos. Being part of a family with healthy rituals can give children a sense of belo

nging, comfort and predictability. Rituals also connect us to our culture and traditions – we become part of something bigger. However, when rituals become too rigid they become a source of stress. Now is the time to ask, “Are our family’s rituals a good fit for us?” 

Fine tuning your family rituals: 

Involve your family. Ask your family what makes your holiday special to them? What are the things that your family does together that help them know that this is a special time of year. Maybe it is a visit with special people, or lighting candles or traditional meals or religious practices, or a regular event that the family attends together. 

Think long term. What mood do you want to create for your family for this season? Do you want a sense of connection? Reverence? Playfulness? Gratitude? Generosity? What kinds of things can you do together that might invite the mood that you would like bring to your holiday? 

Some flexibility. If you already have rituals that you have “inherited” but find that they are creating stress instead of the mood you want, work with the others involved to see if you shift things a little bit to maintain the parts of the ritual that invite connection and the mood you want – but also create less stress. Sometimes families “endure” rituals because no one has the courage to ask the group to think about what they really want.  

Repetition. A ritual only becomes a ritual with repetition – but they don’t start out that way. If your family decides to try something new, spend a little time later reflecting on whether it worked. Do you want to try it again next year? Do you want to change a little bit of it to make it work better for everyone? 

Creativity and simplicity. When you are thinking of new rituals for your family be creative and be willing to go exploring – but keep the mood in mind. Rituals do not need to be big productions. Sometimes simple is better. Do you want to bake cookies and deliver them to neighbors? Have a family read-aloud night? A neighborhood sing-a-long? Work at or give to a food bank? What kind of things can your family think of that would be fun, honor the holiday, and invite you all to feel connected to each other and/or the bigger world? 

Share. Feel free to share your favorite family holiday ritual or activity on our blog. Others can learn from you.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

How Much Media Is Too Much?

2011-11-29T23:12:00.000-08:00

by guest blogger Kathy Slattengren

parenting educator at Priceless Parenting

When parents discuss how much media they allow their children, the answers vary wildly. Some parents have very strict time restrictions on their children's media viewing while others give their children more control over the time they spend on media.

How do you know when your child is getting too much media?

One mom knew she needed to allow less video game time when her 7-year-old son started not wanting play outside or do things with the family preferring his video game instead. He was so attached to playing his video game that he often pitched a fit when he was told the game had to go off. His games didn't have a good way to save the game for later so he was reluctant to stop playing and lose his place in the game.

She decided to reduce his video game playing to one hour twice a week. She started giving him a 10 minute warning before his hour was up. When the 10 minutes were up, he could either choose to shut the game off or she would turn the power off. It only took a couple times of turning the power off to get him to shut the game down in time.

What are signs that digital usage is becoming a problem?

If your children are exhibiting these types of behaviors, it's time to think about reducing the time they spend on media:

Spending less and less time with family and friends
Difficulty focusing on the present moment due to craving video game or cellphone
Developing health issues such as Carpel Tunnel Syndrome, eye strain, weight gain, backaches
Withdrawing from sports, hobbies and social interactions
Losing sleep due to gaming, texting
Acting irritable or discontent when not using digital items
Declining grades in school, missing school
Talking and thinking obsessively about the digital activity
Denying or minimizing any negative consequences

What do the experts recommend?

Hilarie Cash, psychotherapist and co-author of Video Games & Your Kids, makes the following recommendations for personal screen time (computer, TV, video games). This time does not include computer time needed for homework.
Under 2-years-old: no screen time
Preschool: 1 - 2 hours/day
Elementary: 2 hours/day
Junior/Senior High: 2 - 3 hours/day
She also recommends no TV, internet or gaming consoles in children's rooms. The primary problem with having these devices in children's bedrooms is that parents have more difficulty monitoring what's going on.

If you feel your child is addicted to video games and will react extremely to having limits set, it is wise to seek help from a professional counselor or psychologist.

Won't it be difficult to set limits?

It can be very hard to set limits around digital entertainment. These digital devices keep our children content while we benefit from some free time. However, when we realize our children's media usage is having a negative impact on them, we need to set some limits despite our children's protesting.

With older children, it can help to explain why we're concerned about the time they're spending on digital entertainment. Engaging them in deciding what reasonable limits should be set may help them in sticking to those limits.

We may also need to change our own behavior so that we are modeling reasonable digital media usage. While this won't be easy, it will provide the time to try other activities. Perhaps this will be the summer your family discovers how much fun it is to go biking together!

(c) 2011, Kathy Slattengren. All Rights Reserved.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Keeping Your Kids Safe and Keeping Your Sanity During the Holidays

2011-11-21T20:49:00.000-08:00

by guest blogger Kim Estes

helping kids stay safe at Savvy Parents Safe Kids

Ready or not, here they come: The holidays. Along with the holiday season come the relatives and the insane schedules. Even though the holidays are stressful, safety conversations with your child shouldn’t be. However, with recent news reports, parents are concerned and safety is on everyone’s mind. Now is the time to take a moment BEFORE things get too crazy hectic and time becomes too short, to talk to your family and create some common sense safety tips.

Safety while shopping:

Have a designated spot (a sales counter) to meet older kids if you get separated.

Younger children should know to look for a “mom with kids” if they get lost

Have younger kids practice your name and cell phone number

Remind kids never to leave the store, no matter what!

Older kids should always take a friend when going to the mall and not leave the premises with anyone

Kids need to check first with you before going anywhere or accepting gifts

Never leave children unattended in a vehicle, stores, arcades, or playgrounds

Safety during holiday parties:

Let your child chose who they wish to show affection to. Do not force them to kiss or hug someone. Kids need to know they have power over their own bodies.

Check in on kids during large gatherings. Have each adult take 20 minute “shifts” to do a quick walk through the house/yard and check on the kids to make sure that they are doing OK

Kids should check first with a parent before going off with someone (eg. To play video games in a bedroom or leaving the house to go play)

If someone is making your child uncomfortable (excessive tickling, hugging, wrestling) intervene on your child’s behalf to end the behavior. Your child needs to know that you will protect them.

Safety conversations with your child will be better received when you keep them short and simple. Never use scare tactics. There will be lots of interaction with family and friends, new experiences and new places. Take time to practice “what if” scenarios with your kids. Taking time to talk safety with your kids will take some of the anxiety out of your holidays.

(c) 2011, Kim Estes. All Rights Reserved.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Family Gatherings: Fun for Everyone?

2011-11-15T19:29:00.000-08:00

by guest blogger Kathy Slattengren

parenting educator at Priceless Parenting

When families gather together for a celebration, each participant brings their own history, behavior and expectations. When these different expectations and behaviors clash, the celebrations are often far from the peaceful, loving gatherings depicted in TV holiday commercials! However, when common problems can be anticipated and planned for ahead of time, there is a greater likelihood of a joyful celebration rather than a stressful experience.

To make these events positive and fun for everyone, it's helpful to consider the areas that cause stress for many families: preparing and hosting the gathering and monitoring the interactions between children from different families.

Planning, Preparing and Hosting the Family Gathering

One mom wrote seeking ideas for changing her family gatherings. "I come from a largish family (5 children) who still live in the general area. We're all in our fifties now, married with our own children aged 13 to 25. We still get together at one of our houses for every holiday, four times a year (usually numbering 18-23 people). I have to admit, I absolutely dread these get-togethers. For one thing, my sister, aged mother and I do most of the work. The three brothers do less, and the sisters-in-law and nieces and nephews do nothing. As we get older, it gets more and more exhausting, and it seems like I hardly see my siblings other than these get-togethers, where I'm usually irritated and too busy to really talk much to anyone. Is it unusual to get together this often at our ages? Shouldn't the nieces and nephews be contributing by the time they're out of college?"

Sharing the workload is a key ingredient to making family gatherings fun for everyone. If you're encountering this type of problem, think about some new ideas you'd like to try out and discuss them with your spouse or partner. These new ideas which might include:

Delegating duties
Assign tasks like cleaning, decorating, watching toddlers, setting the table, serving drinks, clearing the table and washing the dishes. The idea that everyone has to help out may be revolutionary for some so expect a little grumbling the first couple years!
Even young children can help by coloring decorations or place cards for the table. By getting kids started early on helping out, you will be preparing them to take on more challenging tasks when they're older.

Bringing something to share

Ask people to bring something to share. Depending on their age and cooking skills, they may want to contribute a homemade pie or pick up bread and cheese at the grocery store.

Teens are capable of helping to prepare the food. By encouraging their participation, you will be passing on some important cooking skills while also helping them feel like significant contributors.

Planning activities

What options do the children for their free time? An outdoor activity can be a welcome break - a walk to the park, building a snowman or playing basketball. Bringing a new group game like Cranium to the gathering can also provide a fun activity.

Where can children get some downtime? If your children are likely to benefit from some quiet time away from the crowd, plan a way to make that happen.

Considering alternative locations

Some families rotate where the gathering is held to distribute the work load. Others choose to meet at a neutral place like a park, hotel, restaurant or community room.

If you decide to make suggestions for changing your family gathering, it is best to have the person whose family is getting together talk to everyone about the new plan. Typically new plans go over better this way than when introduced by an in-law. You may need to negotiate some of the proposed changes but at least you'll be taking a step in the right direction!

Keeping the Peace between the Cousins

Another area that can be rich with parenting challenges is the interaction between the children. For example, younger children may want to play with their older cousins, while the older cousins want to be left alone. Successfully handling these types of disagreements while not offending any of the other parents is no small feat!

Being able to enjoy a glass of wine while your children play nicely together and work out their differences by themselves is ideal. However, if unsupervised play doesn't work well, parents need to take a more active role. You can try suggesting an activity everyone can participate in playing like charades or creating a play that can be performed for the rest of the family. We've had some very entertaining family theater this way!

Planning ahead is essential. If your children are younger than the rest, take along toys, books or other things that they enjoy. When they're not having fun playing with their cousins, they can play with these toys. Be prepared to leave early if your children are "maxed out" and need to get to their own beds for everyone's sanity!

Enjoying the Payoff

When preparing for your next family gathering, work on making changes that will make the event more pleasurable. Establishing family gatherings that are enjoyable for everyone will pay off over many years!

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Creating A RESPONSIBLE Kid

2011-11-09T01:15:00.000-08:00

by guest blogger Shirin Sherkat

Parent Educator at Create Happy Kids

Create a RESPONSIBLE kid.

All families have 2 common goals, with regard to DISCIPLINE, they want their kids to:  1) learn the difference between right and wrong  2) learn accountability & take responsibility for their actions

Punishment vs. negative consequence:

What is the difference between natural consequences and punishment?

When a child makes a mistake, most parents resort to some form of punishment. Such as, taking away toys, time-outs, yelling, or threats of 'taking away all privileges'. That kind of response ends up punishing the child, instead of focusing on behavior change.

Ask yourself this question, first: "Do I want to create a happy kid who learns about accountability and responsibility through learning from his/her mistakes, while feeling hopeful and empowered to make better decisions? OR... do I want a fearful kid who grows up angry and rebellious in the face of responsibility and ends up feeling insecure about making any decisions?" If you want a happy and responsible kid, then read on...

Punishment takes away HOPE. The punished child often feels like a bad person (when in fact, he/she may be a very good kid who made a very poor choice). The child becomes more focused on not getting punished and not getting caught making a mistake! On the other hand, when a child faces the negative consequences of his/her own actions, they learn a very valuable lesson about accountability and how not to make that mistake in the future.

For example, your 8-yr-old son refuses to eat dinner, despite the offer of delicious treats for dessert. You have calmly reminded him: "First eat your dinner, then you earn dessert." But he chooses not to try the lasagna that you have spent 2 hours preparing, then he asks for dessert. You calmly say, "Son, you chose not to have dessert. I told you to eat your dinner first, then you would earn dessert. By not eating dinner, you didn't earn dessert tonight. I hope you try again tomorrow to have dessert after eating your dinner." --there is hope for tomorrow :-) & please note the wording.

How do natural consequences work?

1) By teaching the kids that they are accountable for their actions

2) By providing direct (or indirect) cause-and-effect connection between the child’s actions and the results of those actions

3) By providing a lesson they can implement and use successfully in the near future

4) By empowering the child to make a better decision next time, because the kid has not lost hope in the process. This factor is very important and one of the most significant differences between natural consequences and punishment.

Is it all in the wording? No. The key to your success in raising responsible kids is not just in the wording. First, it is in appreciating the power of negative consequences and giving more responsibility to your kids. Then, your success relies on your attitude, approach, tone of voice and having faith in your kids!

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Machiavellian Intelligence: Does Your Child Have Enough?

2011-11-02T01:18:00.000-07:00

by guest blogger Patricia Nan Anderson

consultant and trainer at PatriciaNanAnderson.com

Being skilled in the ways of Niccolo Machiavelli, Renaissance authority on ways to seize and retain power, might not be what you think of when you imagine a good role model for your child’s social development. But “Machiavellian Intelligence” is actually essential to kids’ ability to get along in the world… and it develops through game play.

Machiavellian Intelligence refers to skill in understanding others’ perspectives, using this understanding to achieve agreement, creating positive relationships, and developing leadership behaviors. While anthropological research indicates that these skills have been essential to humans throughout history, these are skills that don’t seem to be actively taught to anyone. They just develop on their own. The kicker is these skills develop through children’s shared activities, activities like playing games.

You remember how you played games with the neighborhood kids, don’t you? You and the other kids first agreed on the rules of the game (though usually the game was so much a part of the fabric of your play that you didn’t notice the rules very much). Maybe you added or subtracted rules to fit the circumstances or the players, and you had a way to negotiate disputes.

Think of hide-and-seek, where an older child might have stepped in to coach the youngest player in good places to hide or good places to look for hiders. Think of sandlot ball games, where a “home run” was defined differently depending on how many kids were in the outfield and disputed calls were resolved using “rock-paper-scissors.” Think of Calvinball, where the rules changed in mid-game to advantage either Calvin or Hobbes.

Games with other kids, where the rules are defined by the players (not by adults or a rule book), appear to be the source of Machiavellian Intelligence. Kids need unstructured game play to develop essential social skills. But there is evidence that today’s kids are disadvantaged.

Today’s children have few opportunities for pick-up games in the neighborhood. Their play instead emphasizes both organized sports and video game play – where rules are codified and either adult leaders or the software itself dictates the action. Even casual playground interactions are often mediated by adults.

If your child complains that “there’s nothing to do” when set loose on a playground, she might need more of this, not less. Keep track of your child’s activities this week and see how much time is spent in casual, unstructured play with other kids. Think back to your own play patterns as a kid and remember what you learned in the give-and-take of having a good time with other children.

You do want your child to have plenty of Machiavellian Intelligence but he can’t get it in school or from a book. He gets it by playing games with other kids.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

The Story of MamaCon

2011-10-26T00:45:00.000-07:00

by guest bloggers Amy Lang and Kim Estes

Parent Educators at Birds+Bees+Kids and Savvy Parents Safe Kids

We’re moms, small business owners and entrepreneurs. We discovered pretty early in our parenting being a mom is all about work - mundane, challenging, unpaid, endless work. And as if that’s not enough fun, the price of failing at this particular job is high. There is another person whose whole life is dependent upon our ability to do our jobs well, or at least well enough.

Just like every other mother out there, we think our lives would be much easier if our kids had arrived with a training manual, a helpful “how to” video series or at least a little note that said something like:

Dear Amy and Kim,

Just a note to let you know, parenting is not intuitive. It’s a learned skill. The more you learn about parenting the better parent you will be.

Seriously. I’m not kidding here. Don’t be cowgirls and think you can wrangle this calf without some serious training.

Good luck!

The New Mama Fairy

PS - Please take this adage to heart and make taking care of yourselves a priority - If mama ain’t happy, nobody’s happy.

Amy’s son is now 10 and Kim’s girls are 13 and 9 and we are both parenting educators. Amy Lang teaches parents how to talk to their kids about the birds and the bees through her business, Birds + Bees + Kids. Kim Estes teaches parents how to keep their kids safe from sexual abuse, abduction and the big, bad world, through her business, Savvy Parents Safe Kids.

As Amy was putting her speaking schedule together for the year and applying to conferences she had a sudden revelation - What about moms? Why hadn’t she heard about a conference for moms? We work our butts off and rarely get any training, support or relevant continuing education.

Ta-da! The idea for MamaCon, Inspiration and Tools for Modern Moms, was born! We moms consider ourselves the CEO’s of our families and the time has come for a conference supporting our hard work.

The mission of MamaCon is to inspire, encourage and rejuvenate moms by providing top-notch parenting development and education, self-care tips that really work, relationship support, amazing vendors, wine tasting, great food and outstanding entertainment.

We also aspire to increase awareness of parenting education, parenting educators and coaches. Fill out our speaker application! We'd love to have you join us.

Spread the word!

May 18 and 19, 2012 at the Bellevue Hilton.

www.mamacon.net

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

The BIG Event for Fathers and Father Figures

2011-10-18T18:35:00.000-07:00

by guest blogger Tim Ryan
fathering consultant at Ryan Educational Resources

We'd like to invite you to join men from around the state in building a coalition to encourage and support the important role fathers and father figures play in kids' lives. This is just the beginning of something BIG and we want you to join us so tell your friends, your spouse, significant other, grandpa, uncle: any man who will commit to being a positive role model for kids everywhere. This is an event that should not be missed if you truly want to advance the cause of being an involved man and making a difference for our kids.

Saturday, October 22 will be a great day for all men in the lives of children and we want you to join us in celebrating the important role we all play in their lives. Our responsibility as fathers and father figures is to guide and help them grow into confident, caring young people.

Join us as we kick off the inaugural Fathering Coalition for Washington State (FCWS) and spend some time having fun, learning and encouraging the involvement of all positive role models for our children. We’ll have wonderful entertainment by the RhythmPlayers, great food, music, guest speakers Jeff Kemp and Roger Fernandes, workshops and resources. All of this is FREE and we know that you want to be a great man for your kids, so show up and join the team.

Sponsored by the Foundation for Early Learning, The BIG Event will be held at the Black River Conference Center in Renton from 10am to 2pm on Saturday, October 22. Register by emailing dadtime@gmail.com or calling 206-280-3458.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

How To Negotiate With Your Kids

2011-10-12T13:45:00.000-07:00

by guest blogger Dr. Shirin Sherkat
Parent Educator at Create Happy Kids

There are many teachable moments in your kids’ lives when you can prevent them from making poor choices. At the very least, it is possible to successfully talk with your children and negotiate alternatives with them. To accomplish this and decrease power struggles, you need tools – most importantly, the power of negotiation! As a parent, YOU are in charge. Here are 5 secrets to remaining in control:

ONE: Manage your emotions well before you enter into any discussion. Going into any confrontation feeling angry decreases your ability to stay in control of the situation. The first step is to gain control. Give yourself 10 seconds to take a few deep breaths, pay attention to your posture, and relax your face. Starting and maintaining a discussion in a calm manner keeps you in control and in charge.

TWO: Listen and hear your child first. Validate their feelings. Remember, you don’t have to agree in order to validate. Create time for this important step. It only takes a couple of minutes for a kid to tell you what s/he needs to say. Invest this time to hear your kid and just listen. Make sure you make a short and clear statement indicating you heard them & validate their feelings.

THREE: When communicating, be respectful and speak clearly and calmly so you will be heard. When you feel respected by someone who wants to talk to you, do you feel like interacting with that person? Kids are in tune with your emotions. They pick up on subtleties that hint at whether they are being patronized or respected. So if you want to be successful at negotiating with them, remain in control. In order to remain in control, you want to keep them engaged. For them to remain engaged, they must feel respected.

FOUR: Define the problem clearly and offer solutions. Be prepared to offer choices and alternatives you can deliver. To achieve this step successfully, you need two things: First, make sure you and your kids are clear about what the problem is, and second, know what motivates your kids. What is THE thing that they are willing to work for? Knowing this, you can negotiate.  You may be surprised to see that by the time you and your kid spell out exactly what the problem is, your kid has already come up with a reasonable solution. If that doesn’t happen, then focus on: what motivates your kids. What are they willing to work for, or “earn?” That is what gives you extra negotiation power.

FIVE: Foster good choices by your kids and be willing to meet them half way when you see that they are:  a) Participating in the negotiation appropriately  b) Willing to compromise  c) Willing to work for the incentive (alternatives) you offered.

The art and process of negotiating has to be taught – usually over and over! This teachable moment is very valuable in your child’s life and it’s important to guide your kid through the process. Take a few seconds to give positive feedback.

IMPORTANT HINTS, to assist you in talking with your kids:

* Time for a break? You know what’s best for your kids, and you want them to make good choices. So, for whatever reason, IF your kids don’t want to participate in this process appropriately, or if they’re unwilling to make any compromises, offer a short break (a time away from the process). Tell your kids you are willing to continue the discussion after the break. Then make sure to follow through.

* Always define what is non-negotiable. For example, if something is impossible to attain or if something will violate the law or impact their safety, then it is non-negotiable. Be firm and clear about this.

*Be prepared to walk away in any negotiation.  Sometimes it may feel impossible to help your kids reach an agreement (although they may be very able, they are not willing). In any successful negotiation, it is important to be able to walk away. You could calmly say, “We can negotiate and meet some of your needs, or IF you choose not to participate appropriately, we can end this discussion right now. I’ll walk away and you’ll get nothing.” Simplify the language for younger kids. You should offer this only after you have made several attempts to help/guide your kid through appropriate negotiations.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Motivation In Children

2011-10-04T18:52:00.000-07:00

by guest blogger Dr. Shirin Sherkat

Parent Educator at Create Happy Kids

Are you bribing your kids?

If you wish to reduce power struggles with your kids and create motivated kids who do what they are supposed to, then this article is for you! Bribes don’t work because as any mob boss would tell you, it actually puts the kid (taking the bribe) in the position of power. Whereas providing the appropriate incentive (as a parent) puts you in the position of authority with the chance to empower your kids to make better choices.

* Step 1) As a parent you need to figure out what are the few things that your kid would love to earn and work for. Those things are called: Privileges. Then, make sure your kid doesn’t have free access to those privileges, because he/she needs to EARN them first.

Then, when the time comes when they want such privileges (like: playing video games or watching a movie), you remind them that those privileges can be earned.

* Step 2) As a parent you need to communicate how your kid can earn a privilege. The language should be positive and easy to understand. This puts you in authority and empowers your child to make a good choice. HOW?! Well, here is a magical sentence that works every time!

The Magical Sentence: To provide the right incentive for your kid!

Now that you have established what privileges your kids is working for, the next step is communicating the rules to your kid without getting into any power struggles. I’m going to share a very powerful tool with you. It is basically a simple sentence. This powerful sentence is based on an old, well-known and very effective behavioral principle. And it looks like this:

First, _______________ Then, _______________.

For example: “First, do your homework. Then, you can play video games for half hour.”

Why is this a Powerful Motivator?

The 5 key factors that make this magical sentence so effective:

1. It’s concise–short and sweet.

2. It clearly states what is expected from your kid.

3. It is worded in a positive way. Note: it doesn’t say, “if you don’t do your homework, you wont get to play” That is not as effective or as reinforcing.

4. It is specific. Not much wiggle room and as a result, not much to argue about.

5. Most importantly, the motivator or the incentive is rewarding to your child (like, playing with video games).

Ultimately, children need to learn that they have choices. The choices they make can either result in earned privileges or negative consequences. For example, if they choose to complete their chores, then they earn a privilege. On the other hand, if they choose to argue with you or hit their sibling, then they have to face the negative consequence of not earning a privilege (or even, losing a privilege). Over time, kids learn to internalize reward and learn to self motivate.

Remember, as your kids grow, what motivates them today might not motivate them tomorrow.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Right Now the Answer is “No”

2011-09-27T21:39:00.000-07:00

by guest blogger Jody McVittie

Executive Director at Sound Discipline

How many times have you had one of your children ask for something that he or she really wanted – and also really wanted the answer right away? If you’re like me, it felt like taking my brain and twisting it into a pretzel for a bit. Part of me wanted to say, “Yes, of course,” because it feels good to “grant wishes” and another part of me would be saying, “No, are you kidding?” Sleeping over two weekend nights? Driving home at 2 AM on New Years Eve? Buying one more stuffed animal? Or even another piece of chocolate cake? I also didn’t want to deal with begging or get in a power struggle about it before I really knew what I thought. I felt trapped. I wanted time.

What’s a parent to do? The amazing man I took parenting classes from, Bob Bradbury, often said, “If you don’t know what to do – don’t do anything.” That has turned out to be useful wisdom. What a radical idea! It is all right for parents to stop and think. I could give my brain a chance to straighten itself out. My children weren’t too happy with plain silence though. It worked better to connect and then think. One way to do that is to say something like, “I can tell that you really want _______. I’m not comfortable with that right now. So right now the answer is no. Let me think about it for a bit and I might change my mind.”

Then what happened? Well, it turns out that both of us had a bit more time to think. The second conversation always sounded more reasonable.

· I’m still not comfortable with you sleeping over two nights this weekend, but I know that you want to play with David – is there another way to do that?

· I’m not comfortable with you driving on New Years Eve – would Monica be willing to have you stay the night?

· I’m not willing to buy the stuffed animal for you. If you have enough money saved up though we can come back for it another day and you can bring your allowance.

· A second piece of chocolate cake eh? Hmm… it really is good isn’t it? You ate your dinner and are still hungry – I think we could make an exception for tonight.

Notice that there are no long explanations or justifications. You can’t really argue with “I’m not comfortable with….” It is simple, honest and straightforward. If it works for you, we’d love to hear your stories.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Does My Child Have ADHD?

2011-09-20T19:09:00.000-07:00

by guest blogger Patricia Nan Anderson

consultant and trainer at PatriciaNanAnderson.com

If you think your child might have ADHD or ADD, the first questions to ask are “why do you think so?” and “what else could cause that?” Let’s take a closer look.

ADHD – Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder – and ADD – Attention Deficit Disorder – are caused by a brain difference. The brains of kids with these two conditions are wired differently than the brains of other kids. Kids with ADHD and ADD have trouble paying attention and maybe have trouble controlling their actions in every situation just about all the time. These differences are hereditary, so if a parent has these conditions the children in the family might too.

So if one parent or the other has been diagnosed with ADHD or ADD and a child has difficulty with attention and control not only in school but at home as well, then, yes, the child might have ADHD or ADD too. Talking with your family doctor is the next step.

But sometimes children who have poor attention and poor impulse control don’t have ADHD or ADD at all. In fact, most kids with behavior problems do not have ADHD or ADD. They just have behavior problems.

Telling the difference between children with ADHD or ADD and children who just behave badly is not always easy. But, luckily, addressing the behavior problems themselves helps both sorts of kids – those with and those without ADHD or ADD.

Here’s where to start:

Cut way down on electronic media of all sorts. Strictly limit (to only an hour per day – can you do it?) television viewing, DVDs, video games, computer games, computer surfing, handheld game players and any other electronic media I might have forgotten to list. Not an hour each: an hour total. There is a clear link between overuse of electronics and bad behavior. Cut that link in your house.
Increase physical exercise. Get kids out of the house and onto the playground for at least an hour every day – over and above whatever your child gets in physical education class or recess at school. Tired kids are healthier and calmer. Tire your kids out!
Feed your kids right. Nutrition is a zero-sum game: the more junk food the less room there is in a child’s tummy for good food. And while sugar may not “cause” bad behavior, poor nutrition does. Eliminate junk food from your fridge and pantry.
Get your kids to bed on time. Tired children act badly. You knew this but have you connected the dots between your own child’s lights-out time and her behavior? And there’s not a TV in your child’s room, is there? Get it out of there!
Teach your children how to behave. If you’re getting bad behavior, that means your kids don’t know what you expect. Punishment and yelling aren’t effective here. Instead, teach what you want your kids to do. At a time when behavior is not an issue, discuss one scenario where you’d like see a change. Let’s say your child acts up in the car. Sometime when you’re not in the car, talk about car behavior. Remind your child of good car behavior just before the next car ride. Pull over the moment you get bad behavior. Drive only when the bad behavior stops. At the end of the ride, discuss again: how does the child think he did? What could he do differently next time? Teach. Kids aren’t born knowing.

If just reading this short and simple list makes you tired, then you need to get serious. Good behavior, including paying attention and controlling impulses, is a key part of doing well in school and in life. Whether your child has ADHD, ADD, or is just too frisky for her own good, it’s your job as a parent to guide her in the way to behave. Make no excuses. Your child can do better. Help get her there.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

The Basics of Newborn Sleep

2011-09-14T00:49:00.000-07:00

by guest blogger Rebecca Michi

Parenting Consultant at RebeccaMichi.com

As a children’s sleep specialist newborn sleep is something I am asked about many times and though I help parents sleep train their children (up to 6 year olds), I don’t advise sleep training a newborn. The first three months really are the fourth trimester and I advise do whatever you can do to get as much sleep as you can!

Having said that, there is quite a bit we can be doing to encourage wonderful sleep habits. I’m going to outline for you my favorite sleep tips for newborns, these will give you confidence that you are doing all you can to get as much sleep as you all can whilst also setting up some great sleep associations for your infant.

Okay, let’s get started.

Set up a great sleep environment. Keeping the sleeping environment between 65 and 70 degrees is enough for your infant. We don’t want them becoming too hot or too cold. A great way to see if your infant is too hot or cold is to feel their chest. Often their little hands and their head can feel very cool, so check their chest to get a real idea of if they’re hot or cold.

Swaddle your infant. Infants are born with a startle reflex, as they go through different stages of the sleep cycle they can startle and wake themselves up! They are less likely to wake themselves if they are swaddled. Swaddling can also be very calming and relaxing for your infant. They have spent 9 months snuggled up in utero, suddenly having arms and arm which can freely move (remember your infant won’t have any control over their limbs) can be scary, uncomfortable and bother them. Swaddling is also a great way to calm a crying baby.

If you are trying to get your infant into its own sleep space, either a bassinet or crib but you find that they would rather be held this could be a bit of a problem. I do suggest holding them as much as you can, but sometimes you need to get yourself something to eat or you need to jump in the shower. Try wearing the crib sheet! Pop the sheet under your shirt for an hour or two or even place it under the covers of your bed. When you try to put your child down in the bassinet or crib it will smell of you. Having that secure smell will make them more comfortable staying away from you. You can also try wearing your infant in a carrier (don’t do this if you’re going in the shower!); you can still get things done whilst holding your baby.

Don’t worry too much about nursing/feeding your infant to sleep; they’re so young it’s fine to do. Don’t think that it is the only way you can get them to sleep. Every day try putting them down to sleep drowsy but awake. You never know they may be able to get themselves to sleep. Don’t worry if they can’t do it themselves, pick them up and maybe rock them to sleep (did you know rocking side to side is more relaxing than back to front?), when they have gone to sleep pop them back into the crib. Keep your hands on them for a little while just incase you need to pat them or give a little reassuring rub.

It takes 20 minutes for an infant to fall into a deep sleep, if you rush off as soon as you’ve popped your infant into the crib and you keep having to go back to help them get back to sleep (this becomes very frustrating) just wait in their room until they are in a deep sleep. They’ll fall into a deep sleep quicker if you are there to help them sooner and it is less frustrating for you.

Don’t worry about setting up ‘bad’ sleep habits and associations with your infant. You really must do whatever you need to do to get you all as much sleep as you can get.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Got Mom Vibe?

2011-09-06T13:04:00.000-07:00

by guest blogger Kim Estes

helping kids stay safe at Savvy Parents Safe Kids

Mom Vibe--we all have it. It is that instinctual feeling we may get when we are around certain people and places. Sometimes you get a positive Mom Vibe about something. Other times, not.

Many Moms go happily along with a good Mom Vibe (ohhh, it just felt like the right time to buy that purse!) but sadly the Not So Good Mom Vibes don’t get the same reception. In fact, most adults ignore those inner “uh-oh” feelings they get when faced with an iffy situation. So what should you do when your inner Mom Vibe is sending you red-flags, giving you the heebie-jeebies or just a subtle feeling that something “just is not right”?

Listen to it.

Law enforcement will tell you, if something does not feel “right” it probably isn’t. Go with that gut feeling!

With hyped up media stories about predators and abductions, parents are left scared and often too afraid to talk to their kids about personal safety. Parents often don’t know how or when to talk to their kids about personal safety! Yet, one of the easiest personal safety strategies is to listen to your gut, your instinct, your “uh-oh” feeling, your Mom-vibe and to teach your kids how to listen to theirs.

Teaching your kids about personal safety is easier than you think and you don’t have to use scare tactics to do it!

Easy (non-scary) ways to start talking to your family about personal safety:

Help your kids identify their “uh-oh” feeling by talking about it! Just as you might say to your child “You look angry” or “You are so silly today!” you can also label the “Oh-oh” feeling. An example might be “You seemed nervous around that dog today. Did you have the uh-oh feeling about petting it? I know I did.” Helping your kids identify their “oh-oh” feeling and letting them know that other people get the uh-oh feeling too helps them to learn to identify the Uh-Oh feeling and respond to it. Let them know that if they get the Uh-Oh” feeling, they need to find their safe adult and talk about it.

Support them. When a normally chatty and socially outgoing child is suddenly apprehensive and clinging to your leg when they are in the presence of a particular person, do not force them to be affectionate or social. Your child may be picking up on a cue that you are missing.

Advocate for your child. If your inner Mom Vibe is sending out a warning signal to you, listen to it. If that person sitting at the park, the new camp counselor, or the idea of allowing your child to play at a particular persons house, is suddenly setting off your mom Vibe alarm, pay attention to it. Don’t send your kid off to play at someone’s house or leave them in someone cares if something does not “feel right.”

Listening to your inner mom-vibe is not always convenient, and certainly can be awkward. Learning to listen to your inner Mom-Vibe is important, so don’t ignore it!

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Helping Our Children Shine

2011-08-31T08:48:00.000-07:00

by guest blogger Kathy Slattengren

parenting educator at Priceless Parenting

Did you ever gaze into your children’s eyes when they were babies wondering what they would be like

when they grew up? Did you notice some of your children’s strong personality traits even when they were very young?

One of our challenges is to see and appreciate our children’s unique combination of passions, capabilities, qualities and beliefs. This can be especially difficult when our expectations for our children do not match who they are.

Unmet Expectations

A teacher told the story of 10-year-old Ryan’s dad who spoke to him about what a huge disappointment his son was turning out to be. While Ryan was getting top scores in this teacher's science class, the dad did not see Ryan demonstrating the type of persistence he expected.

For example, he bought Ryan a wonderful Lego Mindstorms building set and Ryan played with it for 15 minutes before walking away. How would Ryan ever succeed in life if he couldn’t stick with something so interesting more than a few minutes? The dad explained that if he had been given that toy as a child, he would have spent many hours carefully creating all sorts of structures.

Ryan was clearly different in a number of ways from his dad. Although the teacher pointed out again how well his son was doing at school, the dad dismissed it saying he feared Ryan would never succeed in life given his lack of persistence.

Building Their Lives on Strengths

Our children will build their lives based on their strengths, not their weaknesses. It’s our job to help them recognize and develop their strengths.

This is easier said than done especially when a child struggles in school. A 6th grade girl’s mom was concerned about her daughter Emma’s future given that she struggled with both English and math. How would Emma keep up when she transitioned to junior high school? How could she ever get into college?

While this mom’s anxiety was understandable, Emma possesses other traits that will allow her to create a brilliant life for herself. Emma has a sparkling personality and wonderful interpersonal skills. She also had the confidence to sing a solo in the school talent show – and she has an amazing voice!

Emma’s path through life may not involve the one her mom envisioned for her. However, Emma can find success and fulfillment by building her life around her strengths.

Helping Our Children Shine

When we allow our children to grow into their authentic selves, we encourage them to shine in their unique way. Sometimes it’s hard and even scary to let them shine.

Since my daughter was a toddler, one of her strongest characteristics has been her perseverance and determination. In second grade she wrote about her goal of becoming a Level 8 gymnast. Despite breaking her left elbow four years ago and tearing the ligament in her right elbow last year, she persevered and exceeded her goal by becoming a Level 9 gymnast as a high school senior.

This is truly her accomplishment due to her own determination since both my husband and I gently encouraged her to consider quitting due to the injuries and the likelihood of further injuries. She stuck with her passion and has surpassed all expectations by qualifying to compete in Westerns, the highest competition for Level 9 gymnasts. When she stood on the podium to receive third place at the regional competition last Saturday, she was simply glowing!

Appreciating the Gift

It can be very difficult for us to truly see and appreciate our children for who they are. Our children are a gift. Getting wrapped up in feeling disappointed for what they are not causes us to miss the awesome child standing before us.

What unique gifts do your children bring to the world? By supporting our children in following their own dreams and passions, we help them develop their strengths and allow them to shine.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Change Is Natural. Change Is Hard.

2011-08-24T07:35:00.000-07:00

by guest blogger Patricia Nan Anderson

consultant and trainer at Patricia Nan Anderson.com

Everything changes.

It’s funny that we can be surprised by change since it’s the one thing we can always be sure of. But we are never ready.

Part of the problem is that we can stand some small changes as long as the important things stay the same. But we have no more control over the important things than we have over the piddly ones. And these days, change in the important things is something many families experience over and over again. Deployment. Illness. Job loss. Divorce. Maybe we lose the house. Change. One change after another.

Sometimes we have to withstand what seems unbearable. We don’t have any choice. And when we’re in that difficult place, our kids are there with us. We not only have to deal with change ourselves but we have to help our children manage it too. How do you do that? Here are some tips:

· Tell no lies. Tell truths that will not have to be revised as your kids grow older or hear things from others.

· Be matter-of-fact. Share your feelings honestly but there’s no need to increase the emotional drama.

· Don’t point fingers. Identifying the person who is “at fault” doesn’t help anything and causes lasting harm.

· Move forward. Today is different from yesterday, but that doesn’t mean you can give up on tomorrow.

Look ahead. Your life and your children’s lives take place in the future. Embrace all the experiences ahead. By demonstrating strength in difficult times, you give your kids the gift of resilience and optimism.

Even the most fortunate parents might wish to do that.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Back To School Safety Tips

2011-08-17T07:30:00.000-07:00

by guest blogger, Kim Estes

helping kids stay safe at Savvy Parents Safe Kids

There is a lot of preparation that goes into back to school season and now is the perfect time to brush up on safety too.
Preschool years: Start talking about the “Uh-oh” feeling. Let kids know that the “icky” feeling they may feel in their tummy is their body’s way of letting them know that something is not right. Encourage them to seek out a safe grown up when they get the uh-oh feeling. Let them know they are the boss of their body!

Elementary school years:

Talk about the roles and responsibilities of the adults around them. Talk about healthy boundaries. Review who their safe grown ups are. Review with your child who is authorized to pick them up from school. Ask them if anyone gives them the “Uh-Oh” feeling. Remind them to “check first” before accepting gifts or rides from anyone (even if they know the person!).

For parents:

Plan ahead on how you want to handle play dates at new friends’ houses. Talk about how you want to handle sleepovers this year. Talk about the readiness of your child if they express and interest in walking home with a friend or if they want to try staying home alone for short periods of time. Thinking ahead and preparing to answer these questions will make you less a target of being put on the spot when your kid asks you.

For all ages:

Remember to make talking about personal safety a fun thing. Never use scare tactics. The more you talk about safety the more your kids learn about listening to their instincts and how to make safe choices.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Real World Movie Ratings!

2011-08-14T10:11:00.000-07:00

by guest blogger Amy Lang

sex ed expert at Birds & Bees & Kids

I just saw Bad Teacher (this URL is to a detailed description of the movie) a very highbrow flick involving so much use of the f-bomb in context I was wowed. I may have been a little over sensitive to it because there was a 9 or 10 year old boy and two 13 year old (I’m hoping) girls watching along with me.

Don’t worry, they were there with their parents, so it’s okay. You all know I love it when parents are REALLY open with their kids about sex. Love. It. Especially since I think it’s really awesome for a 10 year old to hear things like “I caught my finance trying to have sex with the dog. There was peanut butter everywhere.” I'm joking, of course!

It was sex ed day for that family and little old judgmental me got to have her movie going experience kinda ruined because I was stressing out about these kids watching this really raunchy stuff.

So, for your information (and mine) here is a link to a lovely site that lets you make an informed decision about movies you take your kids to or let them see.

Movies are really big, loud and real and can scar, scare and confuse children if they aren’t capable of processing the content.

Kids In Mind has a great rating system based on profanity, gore/violence and sex and nudity. They spell it out so you can make an informed decision. Go read up on the films out right now. You might change your mind about letting your kids see them.

PS - The movie was pretty funny – just check your expectations at the door and leave your kids at home, please!

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Back To School Shopping Tips

2011-08-03T07:29:00.000-07:00

by guest blogger Madelyn Jansma, M.Ed.

parenting educator at Healthy Happy Families

I hear a collective groan from parents every August! Are you looking to raise savvy shoppers who are responsible and budget-conscious in this age of entitlement? It can be done while building a positive relationship with your tweens and teens if you use a Love and Logic® approach.

Set a standard for clothes care before you hand out any cash. Have your child earn the freedom to make her own clothing choices while subtlety setting limits on what’s been driving you nuts: “Spring shopping money will be available once I see that you have a track record of proper clothes care: wash dirty clothes at least once a week, and put them enough away so that the dog won’t lay on them.” Many kids can do their own laundry beginning in third grade.

Shop with a plan already in place. Have your child assess what he already has. Have her make a list of what she wants/needs. Discuss what’s reasonable, and be willing to give in on a few points: “If fuzzy slipper shoes are important to you, I’ll be happy to let you have a pair as long as you’re not wearing them to walk great distances. Let’s just make sure you pick out tennis shoes with good arch support for those times.” What does your child like to wear? Should it be a week’s worth of clothes, or two? Should there be a nice outfit for a special occasion? Write out the plan in a notebook (next paragraph). In a sense, you’re teaching how to build a wardrobe, even if it is almost exclusively athletic shorts and high tops. In the long run, kids seem to buy fewer clothes and enjoy them more.

Teach budgeting and accounting. Set a budget together. Have kids keep a record and sneak in some math skills. Show how to file receipts—perhaps recycle an old notebook with some pocket dividers. Whatever it is, if your kid creates the system, your kid with be more likely to enjoy the system. My daughter “wowed” a clerk by bringing in a receipt and asking for a price adjustment (she was 11 at the time).

Start with a short time frame and limited options, instead of just giving a kid all the money for the year—maybe fall shopping for school clothes, and April shopping for summery clothes. “Let’s start with you picking out the four play outfits you’d like to wear this summer. I’ll oversee the church clothes and swimsuits and shoes this time around, and I’d be happy to have your input.” Consider turning over their sport equipment budget a few years from now, once they’re going strong. And occasionally, judiciously, bail them out with love—you can be a hero once or twice, an enabler soon after.

Keep some cash in reserve. Having a “just in case you grow or want something that’s a trend once school starts” fund teaches delayed gratification and may avoid a future argument. Your son may need to come up with a white collared shirt for orchestra. If he hasn’t needed the reserve several months later, you could hand it out as a bonus for being a thrifty shopper!

Have them go first-class, name-brand on their own dime: “I agree you need some running shoes, and I’ll be happy to pay for the first $50. I give you weekly allowance money so you can make important choices like this. Isn’t it nice when you have options?”

Develop the idea that big ticket items or frivolous items might be good birthday or holiday ideas. This is a great way to avoid a mid-mall meltdown! Savvy Love and Logic® moms even keep a notebook in their purse so the child can jot down a note: “Hey, that’s a great idea, and unaffordable right now…but you know that Grandma always asks for suggestions. Will you make a note for me so I know exactly what you’re interested in? Thanks, sweetie!”

Consider having Dad approve the outfit and the expense list—keep it open and honest and modest. “Hmm, sweetie, I’m not really comfortable with the length of that skirt, and I know that it’s too short for school policy. Why don’t you use your babysitting money for that one, so you can still enjoy wearing after school? I just don’t feel like I’m getting my money’s worth when there’s so little fabric involved.”

Gently allow kids to learn from the consequences of their choices: Love and Logic® parents lead with empathy while holding firm on boundaries. “Yeah, it’s a bummer when I run out of clothes during the week, too. Some kids do laundry twice a week or wear pants twice before washing, and some kids spend less on each pair of jeans but buy more of them. Some kids even do yard work to earn extra money. You’re a smart kid; I’m sure you’ll come up with a plan. The good news is you only need to deal with it for a few more months until your spring budget becomes available.” A neighbor girl and friends all exchanged dresses with each other during the bat & bar mitzvah season, instead of purchasing new ones every time.

Set the right tone. Consultant parents ask, “What do you think?” and, “How would you like to handle it so you feel ready to do this on your own some day?” Be a cheerful shopping partner, and don’t offer advice unless prompted: “Wow, it was fun seeing what you like in the store. You’ve got a style all your own!” Set an example of restraint/budgeting/sale shopping: “That’s an awful lot for a jacket, and I have another one at home. I’ll put it on my think-about-it list, and if I decide it’s something I need and can afford, I’ll come back during the sale.” Reflect seriously on how you want shopping perceived—I’m wary of raising recreational shoppers, so I tend to say things like, “Sure, we can browse for a few minutes,” because I’ve taught that browsing means not buying, and “Wow, shopping is work! Good thing it’s not how I recreate. I’d rather re-create and re-charge myself on a hike or a bike ride!” You may feel differently; just examine your motives.

Is there any question that we need to teach our kids how to handle money? Just look at the current American economy! It takes time to shop with tweens and teens, so let’s train them to be thoughtful and careful shoppers. I’m off to the outlet mall on Saturday with my 14-year-old son and his friend. My son signed up to be notified of the twice yearly 30%-off sale at his favorite athletic store, and last year it was how he came in at budget with a week’s worth of clothes that were thoroughly used and enjoyed. His friend came with us as my son spent the last of his spring budget and asked, “Mrs. Jansma, could you tell my mom about clothing budgets?” If only solving our nation’s debt crisis was so easy.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Celebrate Dads!

2011-07-27T08:00:00.000-07:00

by guest blogger Tim Ryan

fathering consultant at Ryan Educational Resources

When we think of celebration, we often think of big parties with lots of decorations and people singing, dancing and having fun. This is a wonderful thing to share in our homes and communities, a special part of our lives.

Often these are one time per year; birthdays, Valentines, St. Patrick’s Day, Fiestas Patrias etc. and we honor those who celebrate these holidays. I like to think that we can celebrate each other and honor one another throughout the year at all times with the recognition that we are all special- ALL THE TIME!

In my work with dads, I try to make a conscious effort to realize and celebrate their important role in many ways and consistently through the year. Not just around Fathers Day. Many men are not fathers themselves, as we see in our programs, and we need to encourage and support the role they play in children’s lives. What a wonderful feeling it is to be a part of a child’s life in a positive way.

We want to thank all those who help to raise our children, ourselves included, and to celebrate at all times the special relationships we form with each other. I’d like to recommend a wonderful children’s book by Mem Fox called Whoever You Are. It captures the diversity of our world and is a must for your home and classroom.

Celebrate each other every day!

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Bossing Your Kids Versus Leading Them

2011-07-20T08:00:00.000-07:00

by guest blogger Kathy Slattengren

parent coach at www.pricelessparenting.com

Do you liked to be bossed around? Probably not! How does the thought of being managed by someone else make you feel? Irritated? Angry? Rebellious? If you’re like most, you react negatively to someone trying to boss or control you.

Your children are no different. They also do not like when you try to control their behavior. You can test this out by watching their reaction to commands like “Hurry up!”, “Stop fighting!” or “Quit your whining.”

The role of a parent is similar to being a boss, manager or leader. If you shy away from being the boss in your family and try instead to be your children’s friend, that leaves your family without the strong leadership it really needs.

Considering the Characteristics of Your Favorite Boss

I was recently at a conference where the audience was asked to think about their favorite boss or manager. The presenter then asked what qualities made this person such a good boss.

These are some of the important characteristics mentioned:

Empathetic
Honest
Generous
Passionate
Consistent
Fun
Dynamic
Positive attitude
Inspirational
Compassionate
Trustworthy
Sense of humor
Fully present

The qualities of an excellent boss apply equally to parents. By developing these traits, you can become the admired leader in your family!

Becoming an Admired Leader Instead of a Despised Boss

If you’re a parent with children at home, then you are the leader. It’s up to you to be in charge of providing for the family, making the major decisions in the family and setting firm limits for your children. Families become dysfunctional when parents abandon their leadership role.

David recently told me in exasperation about how his 13-year-old son does “whatever he damn well pleases”. He sadly explained that he knew his son need stronger boundaries but was at a loss as to how effectively to influence his son’s behavior.

For example, his son recently came home two hours later than expected. Although he yelled at his son, the next day his son was late again. While yelling in anger is a natural response, it doesn’t match the characteristics of an excellent leader. What else could David have done?

He could have approached his son with honesty and empathy while also working towards a consistent solution. David might have explained, “I was really worried when you didn’t come home on time. I understand you were having fun and lost track of the time. How do you think we can change things so this doesn’t happen again?” Involving his son in figuring out the solution will increase the likelihood of his son sticking to their agreement.

Establishing Yourself as the Leader

It is certainly easier to influence a teen’s behavior if you’ve established yourself as the loving authority figure when the child was much younger. For example, if you tell a 3-year-old you will be leaving a friend’s house in 5 minutes and then when the time is up he puts up a fit, you can simply pick him up and take him home. If you tell a 13-year-old he needs to be home from a friend’s house in 5 minutes and he doesn’t want to leave, carrying him out isn’t an option!

Being able to consistently set limits is a fundamental skill you need to have as a parent. Your children will help you develop this skill by continually testing for where the limits are located!

Being Trustworthy

Another quality of exceptional leaders is being trustworthy. As a parent you gain your children’s trust when they know you will do what you say you will do. When you keep your promises, your children can count on you.

For example, if you’re at a pool and promise to catch your child if she goes down the slide, then be sure to catch her! One 50-year-old woman still gets angry telling about how her dad told her he would catch her and then didn’t.

Likewise, if you tell your child that you will be leaving the park if he throws rocks and he decides to throw rocks, you need to leave. By following through with consequences, your kids learn to trust your words.

Developing Your Leadership Qualities

Developing leadership qualities is a lifelong process. Think about the characteristics of your favorite leaders and decide which one you would most like to work on. The more you develop your leadership skills, the stronger your family will become.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Is Your Teenager Lying To You?

2011-07-06T08:00:00.000-07:00

by guest blogger Patricia Nan Anderson, Ed. D.

parent development specialist at www.patricianananderson.com

Is your teenager lying to you? Probably.

Think back: when you were a teen, did you ever lie to your parents or shade the truth in a way your parents would think was lying if they had known the whole story? Did you ever tell a portion of the truth, but not the whole truth? Have you done such things even as an adult? Even as recently as last week?

Studies have shown that 98% of American adults lie, meaning they don’t tell the whole truth all the time but edit the facts to protect themselves or to protect the person they’re lying to. A current insurance ad shows a fictive Abe Lincoln failing to lie to his wife at a moment when most of us would believe the kindest act would be to tell an untruth.

In the instances when a lie protects ourselves, not the listener, we may be forgiven for wanting to stay out of trouble. Guilt and shame are uncomfortable emotions most of us want to avoid. When guilt is accompanied by a punishment, we want to avoid admitting guilt even more. So lying is a natural reaction to wanting to avoid punishment and feeling guilty and ashamed, as well as a way to avoid worrying or hurting the people we love. For children and teens, whose sense of integrity is still under development but whose sense of self-preservation is working just fine, lying seems like the logical course much of the time.

So is your teenager lying to you? Most likely, yes. The main question is what should you do about it?

First, never try to trap your child in a lie. If you know the truth or have a good suspicion, then don’t ask about the incident and provide an opportunity to lie. Instead, say what you know: “I see the bumper on the car is dented. Tell me about that.” This will get you more information than asking, “Did you dent the bumper?”

Second, never penalize the truth. This is a hard one, but it’s essential. When your child says, “Yes, I backed into a fence post when we took the car off-roading last night after Tommy gave us some beer,” you will be sorely challenged. But if you punish your child for telling the truth, you’ll never hear the truth again. So after a stunned silence you will simply say, “Thanks for telling me. How do you plan to fix the bumper?” Later, you will talk about taking the car off-road and about Tommy and beer. But you will not punish your child for telling you the truth.

Third, model what you want to see. Tell your child the truth when she asks and if you can’t tell the truth about something, tell her that you can’t. But don’t lie. Demonstrate what integrity looks like. Telling the truth about anything is a leap of faith. Let your kids know that you can be trusted with the secrets they might want to keep to themselves.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Teaching Children About Safety in Today’s World

2011-06-29T08:00:00.000-07:00

by Guest Blogger Kim Estes

Helping parents keep kids safe at http://www.savvyparentssafekids.com/

Many of us are currently raising or working with young kids (or both!). Safety is always on our mind. Yet the concept of teaching kids about personal safety can sometimes seem tricky. Yet, it doesn’t have to be! Here are some things you may (or may not) know. Did you know that the concept of “stranger danger” does not work? Kids don’t get it and childcare experts agree, it is not an effective strategy for teaching children personal safety skills.

So how can we teach children about “stranger smarts”? Well, the good news is that I have some simple tools to help you get the conversation rolling and how to keep it going! Personal safety is a life skill and as we all know, life skills are not learned in a day (Potty Training and learning to ride a bike are good examples too). We all know that just when we think we have gotten our kids to master one skill, the rules change.

Prevention education is the same way. The things that we teach our kids in regard to personal safety at age 2 and 5 will be very different than what we teach them at age 12 and 15. The most important thing is to keep the conversation going throughout their life and help them build a solid foundation to stand on in regard to personal safety strategies. We are here to help you get started.

When teaching children, especially about personal safety, it is critical to teach them in a calm and non scary manner. Never frighten them. If they are in line at the grocery store talking to a “stranger”, stay with your child, and let them talk. You are there to observe and can stop any inappropriate behavior from the other adult. Your child is just testing his social skills out and let him know it is OK to talk to new people, as long as he has his "safe grown up" with him. Do not get angry with him for “talking to strangers” this only frightens your child. In fact, if your child is ever in need of help, they may indeed have to reach out to a stranger (a mom with kids or a cash register person) to ask for help. This chatty phase often ends but you can use it as a way to start introducing good safety skills.

Have fun with your kids, allow them to meet and interact with new people. A chatty kid is not considered a "good secret keeper" and that might just make them a less likely target for predators... since predators rely on secrets so they can get away with their crimes.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Children and Chores: Six Steps To Getting Your Kids To Help Around The House

2011-06-22T08:00:00.000-07:00

by Guest Blogger Patricia Nan Anderson, Ed. D.

parent development specialist at http://www.patricianananderson.com/

“I want the kids to pitch in without pitching a fit! How can I make that happen?”

Frustrated by lack of help around the house? Your kids might actually think chores aren’t important to you. Why is that?

First, kids don’t see the need. Kids cruise along in their own little world and only notice a problem when it crashes into their happy mindset.

Second, we don’t teach how to help. Becoming aware of others’ needs doesn’t just happen. Children need to be taught.

And, third, we let kids off the hook. We sometimes think it’s unfair to ask for help. But your child wants to be helpful. By assigning chores, you let your child feel competent, capable and valued for her contribution.

Competence. That’s the feeling “I did it myself.” To feel this way, a child needs to know a task exists, what it takes to do it and how to tell it’s done. The task has to have a recognizable beginning and end.

Capability. This is the feeling “I have valuable skills.” To feel capable, a task can’t be too easy. But this is where parents get tripped up. Instead of assigning a simple task, appeal to your child’s desire to do important things by giving her difficult tasks.

Contribution. “Does anyone care?” This is why cleaning the garage is more fun than cleaning one’s own room. A clean garage matters to other people. Cleaning one’s own room, not so much.

So… your plan of action looks something like this:

1. Think about your child. What does he like to do and what task would he think is difficult and grown up? The task will obviously change with the age of the child.

2. Choose one task to start. The task should be something that can be repeated at regular intervals. It should be something that provides obvious clues that it’s “time” to perform the task. It should have obvious indicators that the task has been completed and completed well. For example, a five-year-old might be assigned the task of keeping the dog’s water bowl filled. A ten-year-old might have the job of collecting trash and setting it out for pick-up on “trash day.” And a teen might be asked to plan and prepare the family dinner every Wednesday night.

3. Tell your child what you want her to do. Your child is not a mind-reader. Talk with her about your need for help. Be sweet, be pleasant but be clear that doing the task is not optional.

Tell her what

Tell her when or by when

Tell her how to tell it’s done

The ten-year-old might need to know which wastebaskets need emptying and how to get the trash bins safely to the curb. She will need to know when the trash trucks come by and if she is also responsible for retrieving the bins from the street or putting fresh liners in the wastebaskets. Help her know what goes into her job and how you want the finished task to look.

4. Let your child decide how he’ll do the task. Ask your child how and when he thinks he will do it. If the task will be messy or if there are tricky parts, suggest ways to avoid these issues. Help him visualize doing the task and anticipate problems.

The five-year-old who is filling the dog’s water bowl will need to know how frequently the bowl needs filling, what to do about cleaning the bowl, and how spills should be handled. But how he actually decides to do it – by carrying the bowl to the faucet or by carrying a pitcher of water to the bowl – is up to him.

5. Step back and shut up. Will your child do the task the way you would do it? No. Will she make mistakes the first time? Yes. But you must let her own the task and find out for herself how to do it and how to do it better.

Your teen may not fix dinner just the way you expect it. But hovering in the kitchen, giving advice, is not the way to go. And eat the meal that gets prepared with good grace.

6. Thank, inquire and reassign. When the task is done, thank your child, no matter how poorly the result is. Then ask your child how the task went. Let the child say the job was not done very well if it wasn’t. Let her own the task and own the outcome. If you feel the need, suggest one improvement for next time. No matter how well or poorly the task was completed, reassign it for tomorrow or whenever the next reasonable time to do the task is. End on a happy note.

You might be thinking right now that this sounds like more bother than it’s worth. You’d rather do the jobs yourself….

And that’s been the problem all along. Because you haven’t taught your children how to do jobs, they haven’t learned to do them. They may even think you don’t really want them to do chores or don’t believe they can.

The main reason kids should do chores is not to get stuff done, though that’s nice. The main reason is to teach children responsibility and initiative. That’s why letting children decide when and how to do a task is important. That’s why letting kids evaluate their own work makes sense. And that’s why making children feel responsible for their tasks is so key.

What you’re doing here is developing attitudes and character. Do that and doing chores will come naturally.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

Temperament and Sleep

2011-06-10T12:56:00.001-07:00

by guest blogger Rebecca Michi

parenting consultant at RebeccaMichi.com

One of the biggest factors to take into consideration when thinking about sleep training your child is their temperament. Temperament is the aspect of an individual’s personality that is innate rather than learned.

There are three basic types of temperament, here’s a run down of each.

• The Easy Child - this child showed regular eating, sleeping, elimination cycles, a positive approach response to new situations, and could accept frustration with little fuss. They adapted to change, such as new food or a new school quickly. They showed a good mood most of the time, and smiled often. Most of the problems reported with these children resulted when the child was placed in situations that required responses that were inconsistent with what they had learned at home.

• The Difficult Child - this child showed irregular eating, sleeping, and elimination cycles. They displayed a negative approach response to new situations, for example frequent and loud crying or throwing tantrums when frustrated. They are slow to adapt to change, and need more time to get used to new food or people. Most of the problems reported with these children centers around socialization patterns, expectations of family, school, and peer groups. If pushed to become immediately involved in a situation, these children were more likely to exhibit loud refusal and sometime oppositional and aggressive behavior.

• The Slow-to-Warm-Up Child - this child showed negative responses of mild intensity when exposed to new situations, but slowly came to accept them with repeated exposure. They have fairly regular biological routines. Problems with these children varied depending on the other characteristics they showed.

The ‘Easy child’ rarely has long lasting sleep issues. They are very adaptable and can easily be sleep trained with any sleep training technique.

The ‘Difficult child’ is the hardest to sleep train (my eldest daughter has a difficult temperament and was hard to train). When sleep training a difficult child you want to choose your sleep training technique with care. I have found that cry it out techniques (elimination techniques, including; controlled crying and the Ferber method) don’t work with this temperament. I have heard of children crying for anything up to 6 hours! If you have a ‘difficult child’ please don’t use a cry it out technique, it’s not fair on you or your child. Take a look at some of the ‘no cry’ sleep training techniques out there (there are lots of them).

The ‘slow to warm up child’ is a bit in the middle when it comes to sleep training. You may find it difficult to get started with the sleep training, but when you do you’ll see results fairly quickly.

It’s hard to say which type of sleep training technique will work with a ‘slow to warm up child’, no cry techniques will certainly work, but it really depends on the child as to whether a cry it out technique will work. You’ll also want to make sure your not training the ‘slow to warm up child’ during a stage of separation anxiety (between 8 and 12 months is the hardest stage).

When you hit a bump in the road (i.e. Teething, illness or travel) you’ll again want to take into consideration your child’s temperament.

You should try and use the same technique (you may need to adapt it as your child get’s older), to get back on track. It will never take you as long to get back on track as the initial sleep training did (that is if you start getting back on track as soon as you can).

If you are interested in finding out more about your child’s temperament there are many quizzes online.

You can find out more about me and my ‘Finally get some sleep’ coaching packages at http://www.rebeccamichi.com/

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

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