Thoughts On Washington Parenting

Thoughts


Blog posts written by our friends and members on issues of interest to parents everywhere. Find out more about us at http://www.washingtonparenting.org/

12/28/2011

Taking Care of Ourselves

by guest blogger Jody McVittie
Executive Director at Sound Discipline

First I need to confess: I’m not very good at this myself. Like many of you I tend to “take care” of others before I begin to think about what I need or what requests I might make. So today I get to listen, once again as I talk about self-care – and see if this time I can say, “I can make a commitment to do what I need to do to make time for and take care of myself.” Will you join me?

What’s the deal? We’ve been here before – especially those of us who are of the female variety. We make promises – and keep the promises we make to others but we aren’t so great about the promises we make to ourselves. Here are some of my thoughts – and I welcome your comments or stories about this.

The power of culture: We are taught at a very young age (especially as girls) that we need to pay attention to and are responsible for how other people feel. It is our job to “take care” of others. No one sat us down and lectured to us or even consciously intended to teach this – but the messages surrounded us. We observed the adults in our lives. We responded to the subtle body language of approval or disapproval. Often we don’t recognize the power of cultural values unless we step outside them. Has one of your children had a tantrum in public? What kind of messages did you get?

Selfishness: Perhaps we are unable to make a distinction between being “self-centered” and “centered in our selves.” Do you hold the belief that, “If I do take care of myself I’m being inconsiderate of others?” This is natural given our culture. But it doesn’t make sense.

There is a reason that flight attendants ask you to put your own oxygen mask on first. If you don’t take care of yourself first – then you can’t take care of the ones you love.

Is it either/or? My sense is that we engage in either/or thinking about caring: EITHER I can care for myself OR I can care for my children. It is true that if we leave taking care of ourselves until the very last thing in the day it won’t happen. It becomes “them” not “me.” But there are other possibilities.

Imagine if… exercising or spending time with friends or reading or taking some quiet time were part of your routine at least several times a week. Would you feel better? Would your children (especially your girls) learn about self-care from your modeling? Would you feel less resentful about not having space for you? Would you have more reserve or “flip your lid” less often? Would it be easier for you to let your children learn how to “take care” of their own feelings and their own life (without abandoning them)? How would it feel to keep your promises to yourself? What do you want your children to learn from you about self-care?

(c) 2011 by Jody McVittie, MD

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

12/21/2011

Teaching Children to Express Gratitude

by guest blogger Kathy Slattengren
parenting educator at Priceless Parenting

We are responsible for teaching our children to say "please" and "thank you". This basic social skill is critical in showing respect for others. However, many older children have not fully developed this skill and it causes problems.

For example, one aunt explained how hard she worked to find neat gifts for her three nephews. When opening the gifts they would often say things like "I don't really like this." or "This isn't what I wanted." The aunt's feelings were definitely hurt by these remarks. The parents did not step in to help their sons learn that these types of responses were completely inappropriate.

At another holiday gathering children were wildly opening gifts without paying much attention to who the gift was from never mind actually thanking the person for the gift. The children threw aside each gift and anxiously started tearing the wrapping from the next gift. Again the parents failed to set up appropriate rules or expectations for the gift opening.

It's critical to teach our children how to politely handle situations involving gifts. It can be helpful for parents to sit down with their kids ahead of time and discuss the importance of showing their thankfulness. Discussing and practicing what to say under various situations can help prepare children to act graciously even when receiving a gift they really aren't excited about. It can also be helpful to agree on a gentle reminder signal, like a light touch on the ear, if children forget to say thanks.

Sometimes parents express appreciation for something their children have received instead of guiding their children to saying thank you. When parents do this, children do not learn that it is their responsibility to say thank you for things they've received. Children who do not learn to show these basic courtesies are often disrespectful in a number of other ways.

The holidays provide many opportunities for children to practice expressing their appreciation. This holiday season give your children the gift of learning to express their gratitude!

(c) 2011, Kathy Slattengren. All Rights Reserved.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

12/13/2011

Do Your Kids Understand the Holiday Spirit?

by guest blogger Dr. Shirin Sherkat
parent educator at Create Happy Kids


You can share the spirit of the holidays with your kids!

This is a magical time of year. It doesn’t have to be all about spending money you don’t have, getting stressed and over-scheduling your family.

Your family traditions can embrace the spirit of the season and focus on:

Giving to others who are less fortunate
Spending quality (fun) time with family and friends
Being grateful for what we have and not just focus on “wants”

5 easy ways to share the spirit and involve your kids:

1. Volunteer at your local food bank, soup kitchen, church, or community center with your kids.

2. Organize a family donation box and together, fill it with blankets, toys, jackets and other items that your family doesn’t need, then donate it together (as a family) to a center near you.
3. In addition to asking your kids to make a list of things they want from Santa, make this a family project one night. Make a list of all the things your family is grateful for this holiday! Have younger kids list all the things they have (that they should appreciate) and you write the list for them.

4. Encourage your family (and friends) to consider homemade gifts too, not just store-bought toys, for your kids.

5. For the “12 Nights of Christmas,” instead of focusing on getting something, teach kids to give, create or share something. For example, a family craft night, or a game night, or an evening volunteering at the local soup kitchen, or a movie night with family at home.

A Great Goal!

The goal is to create grateful and caring kids who grow up to be happy, and have a sense of responsibility and true appreciation for the spirit of this beautiful holiday season!

(c) 2011 by Dr. Shirin Sherkat

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.

12/07/2011

Holiday Rituals-Old Ones? New Ones?

by guest blogger Jody McVittie

Executive Director at Sound Discipline

Our community is made up of all sorts of different kinds of families from many different cultures and traditi

ons. There are lots of holidays and special events in this season when the nights are longer and the days are shorter. Your family may have special traditions or rituals that you and your children enjoy – or not!


Rituals are like seasonal routines. They can offer structure and security in times of increased chaos. Being part of a family with healthy rituals can give children a sense of belo

nging, comfort and predictability. Rituals also connect us to our culture and traditions – we become part of something bigger. However, when rituals become too rigid they become a source of stress. Now is the time to ask, “Are our family’s rituals a good fit for us?”


Fine tuning your family rituals:

Involve your family. Ask your family what makes your holiday special to them? What are the things that your family does together that help them know that this is a special time of year. Maybe it is a visit with special people, or lighting candles or traditional meals or religious practices, or a regular event that the family attends together.


Think long term. What mood do you want to create for your family for this season? Do you want a sense of connection? Reverence? Playfulness? Gratitude? Generosity? What kinds of things can you do together that might invite the mood that you would like bring to your holiday?


Some flexibility. If you already have rituals that you have “inherited” but find that they are creating stress instead of the mood you want, work with the others involved to see if you shift things a little bit to maintain the parts of the ritual that invite connection and the mood you want – but also create less stress. Sometimes families “endure” rituals because no one has the courage to ask the group to think about what they really want. 


Repetition. A ritual only becomes a ritual with repetition – but they don’t start out that way. If your family decides to try something new, spend a little time later reflecting on whether it worked. Do you want to try it again next year? Do you want to change a little bit of it to make it work better for everyone?


Creativity and simplicity. When you are thinking of new rituals for your family be creative and be willing to go exploring – but keep the mood in mind. Rituals do not need to be big productions. Sometimes simple is better. Do you want to bake cookies and deliver them to neighbors? Have a family read-aloud night? A neighborhood sing-a-long? Work at or give to a food bank? What kind of things can your family think of that would be fun, honor the holiday, and invite you all to feel connected to each other and/or the bigger world?


Share. Feel free to share your favorite family holiday ritual or activity on our blog. Others can learn from you.

(c) 2011, Jody McVittie. All Rights Reserved.

Views expressed by guest bloggers may not be the views of Washington Parenting Education Network or all of its members. Guest bloggers are wholly responsible for the content of their posts.